Sunday, 25 May 2014

I Learnt Not To Struggle In Silence

I remember about three years ago when I first became aware of my mood swings. I'd known for a while that it was part of BPD (ever since I'd read the recommended book 'I Hate You; Please Don't Leave Me') but I'd never had a well period... All the days seemed to be dark in the beginning.  And then in the end of 2011, things got really, really good. And I had to decide how to deal with it; did I spend time preparing for the inevitable fall? Be prepared so that it wouldn't hit me as hard? Or enjoy it while it lasted? I went for 'enjoy it while it lasts' and that became my way whenever I had good weeks; although they soon became good days and eventually hours.
Since my last OD in September, things have largely been good. And although I've had days where I've cried or been sad or had my old thoughts; I'd consider the period on a whole, to have been a good one. And so many staff tried to warn me it might not last. I had Doctors worrying I thought I was better than I was. Nurses saying I shouldn't be agreeing to so many opportunities. People questioning where I'm getting my strength from that I suddenly come across when bad things come up. I didn't think on it too much; I wanted to enjoy it and as it lasted for longer and longer and sometimes got even better, I began to doubt their doubts. I was convinced this was it; I was better. I still had work to do but never again would I self-harm or run or overdose.
I don't know what's going on now... I think that for the past few weeks, cracks started to appear as more and more was going wrong in my life and as more and more was piled on top of me... And then I had a late-night chat with one of the girls I'm close to. A friend of ours has relapsed with her Anorexia and although I felt sympathy, I also found her very brave. To just... Admit how absolutely horrible you're feeling sounded, to me, like a relief. I felt I'd 'been strong' and put on a brave face for too long; I was tired. I wanted people to know I'm hurting, I'm sad and I'm scared. But it's been hard to 'come clean' because my CPA went so well and part of me felt like I couldn't tell the girls on the ward how I was feeling because I was the 'well one' and the one 'on her way out.'
I think the hardest part of this dip in my mood is that I genuinely don't want it. It's so upsetting and painful to try so, so hard to stop something from happening yet it still looms before you, getting ever closer. Before this Hospital, I didn't mind so much when my mood dipped because people were used to it, people had lower standards for me then. Now they expect more from me because I've shown how hard I can fight... I expect more from me. I feel like such a failure for this... I'm writing this post and crying because on the one hand, it's such a relief to get this all out and on the other, it's like I'm finally realising how bad it is, and for so long I've been scared to do that because I was so frightened I'd realise I couldn't make it good again. I've said since October, that if I ever overdosed again I wouldn't be able to pull myself up again the way I have done. I don't want to die but I don't have the effort to take the measures I need to, to stop that from happening. My toilet lid has been closed for two days and even the thought of passing a catheter makes me nauseous and angry. I can't do it. But I want to. And that makes it hurt even more.
This post has been very good though; it's helped me to see that it isn't actually too bad and that admitting you're struggling isn't bad either. I will never 'get better' if I'm pretending. I've watched so many girls play the game to get discharged and within a month they're back self-harming. I refuse to have that be me.
So please, if you're out there struggling, DO NOT sit in silence! Speak up.