Friday, 30 May 2014

I Lost My Capacity

[note: this post contains discussion of suicidal ideation]

♪ I keep falling down, don't catch me, I keep falling down, don't catch me, it's not your place to try to save me, yeah, I keep losing hope, don't help me, I keep losing hope, don't help me, it's not your place to try to save me; I must try to save myself ♫


So, times have been hard recently, which I guess I talked a little about in my last personal post (http://imnotdisordered.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/the-one-where-i-learnt-not-to-struggle.html)...
Last week, on Friday, I admitted that I hadn't passed urine for about three days and I talked it through with staff and found myself telling them that I didn't want to pass a catheter to drain it because right there and right then, I wanted my kidneys to fail so I would die. I can't even remember my reasoning for it but I remember feeling very fed up and hopeless. Later that evening, I was told I was being taken to the local medical hospital as during the talk earlier, I had apparently been assessed for my capacity and it was decided I didn't have any. This meant if I refused to go to the hospital I would be taken there by force. So I went along... I'd been given so much medication that by the time I was being seen in A&E I was really drowsy. They did a bladder scan and found I had over a litre in my tummy and apparently I agreed to try and go to the loo one final time. I remember feeling almost drunk on the drowsiness and the staff who'd been with me said I'd kept falling asleep while the Doctor was talking to me!
I managed to wee eventually but since then, things have changed; I don't want to get kidney failure - I don't want to die. But I'm still really struggling with all of the urology type things...
One night, things got bad. The staff were trying really hard to support me to pass a catheter and I was sat in my bathroom with the anaesthetic and all I wanted to do was swallow it to see if I stopped breathing. And the next thing I knew my wardrobe was empty! Apparently I disassociated and told staff I was looking for my PE kit.
Then yesterday, the Doctor spoke to me about how they've put a care plan in place for my urine stuff and that not all staff are following it. I thought she was going to stop me going to a meeting that afternoon but she just reiterated things to the staff on that day. When I returned from the meeting though, changes had been made to the care plan and I got really, really angry and upset. I was so ashamed at how rude I was to the staff and I couldn't stop crying. It was like the floodgates had been opened. And I had to make a phone call to sort out my dongle and I was crying through the entire thing! After it, I spoke with a nurse and was given PRN.
So, I guess I shouldn't have really been surprised when I was told the Doctor and nursing team had decided I shouldn't go home this weekend. They told me I need to take this time to take care of myself, build my strength back up and get things straight in my head. The staff were worried how I would react as it was after all the swearing and things but I understood why they'd made the decision.