Thursday, 19 June 2014

They Said 'Renal Failure'

So I had Ward Round today.
I was actually excited for it because I planned to request leave to go see my best-friend; Chels and I was dying to be able to tell her I could definitely come and have us both scream down the phone. So, my main worry for the ward round was not being granted that; I'd read my Ward Round summary and it wasn't too bad. The worst bits were that I'd worried staff with my dip in mood (a result of this thing I can't broadcast to the world) and that I'd been hospitalised twice for my urinary retention.
I had a plan up my sleeve if my mood was mentioned because I've reacted completely normally considering the situation. And that's what I said when they asked why I don't like to admit that I'm not always 'ok.'  
For some reason, I didn't for one minute, think that the urine thing would even be mentioned let alone discussed! I guess I just thought the whole issue was under control; like, there was an understanding - I needed to try harder to pass catheters and be more honest if things begin to go wrong. But I thought that was it. Apparently not. They talked about how some people have trouble weeing and it could be because they're anxious, feel rushed or there's lots of noise. I was told to take some 'quality wee time' to just sit on the loo. And that was me done! I told them it was unfair to talk about this sort of thing especially in Ward Round where there was someone who wasn't involved in my care and staff who I didn't want to discuss this in front of. I was told 'I know it's hard to talk about' and I explained it wasn't 'hard' it was 'embarrassing.' So I managed to get the topic changed and we begun talking about my leave requests which got me a brief comment about whether my refusal to pass catheters was classed as self-harm. I told them that there was only so many times I was going to explain this and repeat myself and told them I'd rather talk about it in private. And then, out of nowhere, I was told that I have to have blood tests done once a week because they're so uncertain about all of this urine stuff and they can't rule out me going into renal failure. They told me they were worried that I wouldn't speak up if I felt poorly and they didn't want to risk it going too far. I cried. I wasn't really sure why, so when a Doctor asked me, I didn't reply. Afterwards, I thought about it and I think it was because it was such a shock. No one told me that sort of thing was even being talked about and then it was just sprung on me when I least expected it. And also, it kind of ruined the ward round; I ended up getting the leave to Chelsea's granted and I couldn't properly celebrate it. And when I told her, I also had to tell her about the blood tests so she was crying too.
And now, I'm being told I can only see Chels if I have my bloods done and they're ok and because I have such shit veins, I'm having to go to the local medical hospital to have them done tomorrow morning in the hope the results will be back before the day's over so I can see Chels. I'll go to any lengths to see my best-friend though.