Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Suicidal.Content.Medicated.

So, mood swings.
Everyone has them. When they become a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder, is when the swings are dramatic, overwhelming, frequent and uncontrollable.
8am I was excited to get to College and see my friends.
10am When I got there I proudly showed off my baking for the College Christmas Party.

10:20ish We did a silly bucket list task where we each had think of something we'd like to do before we die... I was going to write down 'commit suicide' but my sensible sidekick (Ashleigh) persuaded me to resist temptation. And then I thought about it... There's nothing I'd like to do before I die. So then I thought 'what am I bothering for?'
10:50am I began buying paracetamol
11:28am I was on the bus, thinking about how I'd wasted two years at the specialist hospital and I'd come back and it was all going to go to how it was before. I was convinced that I'm just destined to kill myself. I thought about my Mum. I thought about my kitten. And then I thought about me. I was unhappy. In pain. And incredibly tired. I won.
12:15ish I was so happy to be in my home and with my kitten that I immediately felt happy, excited for the future, and positive!
2:50pm I was talking to my funder on the phone and it was all coming back; the hopelessness, the sadness, the excitement at the thought of suicide... I was going to do it.
3:50pm I have sixteen Co-Codomol tablets in my hand, and a drink of water on my dressing table...
... It takes me ten minutes to throw them in the bin and take some Lorazepam (sedative) instead.

And now? I've had a lovely shower, I'm in my pyjamas and watching a movie with my kitten. This wouldn't have happened had I swallowed that handful of pills. And ultimately, it was mainly that which stopped me. People put a lot of pressure on what it is that stops you from acting on your thoughts of self-harm or suicide, but I think, as long as you manage to come up with some reasons that are good enough, then it's nobody's business what they are. And it's for no one to judge your reasons. It just so happens that I was thinking of A&E; how they used to treat me, all of the attempts to find a vein, the nausea, the lack of sleep from the other patients, hospital beds and having to try keep myself occupied during the 24 hour long anti-dote. I'm now sure I've done the right thing after speaking to my Mum and hearing how upset she would've been if I'd overdosed, and hearing how pleased my professional support team are that I didn't do it. And I can look forward to the College Christmas party tomorrow!