On Tuesday, I lost my own hope. My experience with overdosing and services, made me cocky. I thought- I believed that if I had overdosed over a duration of 24 hours, nothing could be done about it. And so I did. 90 paracetamol from Tuesday afternoon until Wednesday afternoon. And I was wrong. An ambulance was called. I believed that being in your home meant that you couldn't be forcibly taken to hospital. And then I was. I refused to get in the ambulance. I was wrong. And the police put me in it. I then believed that if I could show I had capacity whilst still being suicidal, I couldn't be forcibly given treatment. And then I was. I told the Doctor that I knew where I was and understood the risks in refusing treatment and was told I had capacity. But I was wrong. And then two Psychiatrists and a Social Worker came and sectioned me under the Mental Health Act and took me to a psychiatric hospital.
I was so angry; probably because I felt so stupid at how wrong I had been. But, also because I genuinely wanted to end my life and I felt that if people really knew what I'd been through, knew how I felt, what had been done to me and how I'd been made to feel, then they would agree. They would agree with my wish to die. And they would say "I understand. If that were done to me- if I felt like that, I'd want that too." So I was angry that people were 'saving' my life to make me feel the hurt for even another minute. It was too much. The hurt. It was more than anything. The memories and the hurt were more than all of the good things in my life. More
I missed Dolly (my kitten - in case you've been off the face of the earth) so much. And, when I used to live at Mum's, and I went into hospital, I wasn't too bothered. But now I have my own home that I made and that has me and my baby in it; I was homesick. At first, I regretted being admitted, and then I realised that it was the overdose which had put me in this situation where I had to be admitted and it should be that which I regret. Since, I've frequented between feeling suicidal and being passionate about life but I'm a lot happier to be home with Dolly literally sleeping in my arms
'The odds mean crap! So people should face it, and they should fight!"
I've put a vlog up about the OD and time in hospital, it was incredibly hard but I think it perfectly illustrates the ups an downs of BPD... You can watch it here