In honour
of April Fool’s Day; here’s my most embarrassing moments; feel free to laugh
your ass off – but not too hard!
Number One:
I’m one of those girls who acts like an absolute idiot when I see a fit guy.
So, I went to the GP in Bradford and he had a pink stethoscope, and I said “you
know, men who wear pink are secure with their sexuality?” And he said “oh! I
borrowed it.” That’s where the conversation should have stopped – although, it
shouldn’t have even began. So, I said “oh! So there’s still a chance you’re
gay!”
Number Two:
During my very first Mental Health Act assessment, I had just been put on the
anti-dote for my paracetamol overdose (famous for making patients vomit) and
when the moody, bearded Psychiatrist sat before me asking why I’d tried to kill
myself, I vomited. On his shoes. He promptly excused himself and could be heard
from the corridor asking for a tissue and making retching noises. When he
returned to the room, his shoes now clean, I was sectioned under the Mental
Health Act. Still unsure if the vomit had much to do with it.
Number
Three: On one occasion when the police detained me under section 136 of the
Mental Health Act and so, were sat with me in A&E, I tried to run. The
officer and a nurse had escorted me to the toilet but when I came out, they
made to lead the way and so, I ran the other way! I found myself in the main
entrance and I was running at the automatic doors so fast that they didn’t
register me and I thwacked straight into them. The policeman said later that
for a moment he didn’t know whether to stop and laugh or take the chance to
restrain me.
Number
Four: Once, a friend and I had snuck alcohol into school and I was fairly
tipsy. A teacher found out and I ran from him and hid. My oh-so-amazing hiding
spot was behind an art easel. An empty art easel. There wasn’t even a canvas
upon which to hide behind. Needless to say, I was located fairly quickly.
Funnily enough, I also vomited on the teacher’s shoes whilst he shouted at me.
Number
Five: I was at a friend’s 18th Birthday, which happened to be on a
boat along the Tyne in Newcastle. It meant that bridges were scheduled to go up
so the boat could pass beneath and the boat was allotted a time out on the
river and when to turn back. It got halfway down the Tyne when I got a massive
pain in my tummy. Ovarian cysts playing havoc. As if it wasn’t bad enough that
the guy who’s party it was, I had a massive crush on, but the boat crew had to
make all these calls to sort out getting the bridges raised earlier than
scheduled and to have an ambulance waiting at its docking station. Bit of
morphine later and I was still cringing that I’d just ruined my crush’s 18th
Birthday with my ovaries.
Number Six:
Mum and I attend church on Christmas Eve and one year, we were making the
‘Christingles’ and I got the giggles. Something which is always inappropriate
in a church. But I was laughing because I’d snapped the cocktail sticks and was
fumbling around on the church floor for them. And apparently that, was the
funniest thing in the world!