Wednesday, 1 April 2015

APRIL FOOLS!


In honour of April Fool’s Day; here’s my most embarrassing moments; feel free to laugh your ass off – but not too hard!

Number One: I’m one of those girls who acts like an absolute idiot when I see a fit guy. So, I went to the GP in Bradford and he had a pink stethoscope, and I said “you know, men who wear pink are secure with their sexuality?” And he said “oh! I borrowed it.” That’s where the conversation should have stopped – although, it shouldn’t have even began. So, I said “oh! So there’s still a chance you’re gay!”

Number Two: During my very first Mental Health Act assessment, I had just been put on the anti-dote for my paracetamol overdose (famous for making patients vomit) and when the moody, bearded Psychiatrist sat before me asking why I’d tried to kill myself, I vomited. On his shoes. He promptly excused himself and could be heard from the corridor asking for a tissue and making retching noises. When he returned to the room, his shoes now clean, I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act. Still unsure if the vomit had much to do with it.

Number Three: On one occasion when the police detained me under section 136 of the Mental Health Act and so, were sat with me in A&E, I tried to run. The officer and a nurse had escorted me to the toilet but when I came out, they made to lead the way and so, I ran the other way! I found myself in the main entrance and I was running at the automatic doors so fast that they didn’t register me and I thwacked straight into them. The policeman said later that for a moment he didn’t know whether to stop and laugh or take the chance to restrain me.

Number Four: Once, a friend and I had snuck alcohol into school and I was fairly tipsy. A teacher found out and I ran from him and hid. My oh-so-amazing hiding spot was behind an art easel. An empty art easel. There wasn’t even a canvas upon which to hide behind. Needless to say, I was located fairly quickly. Funnily enough, I also vomited on the teacher’s shoes whilst he shouted at me.

Number Five: I was at a friend’s 18th Birthday, which happened to be on a boat along the Tyne in Newcastle. It meant that bridges were scheduled to go up so the boat could pass beneath and the boat was allotted a time out on the river and when to turn back. It got halfway down the Tyne when I got a massive pain in my tummy. Ovarian cysts playing havoc. As if it wasn’t bad enough that the guy who’s party it was, I had a massive crush on, but the boat crew had to make all these calls to sort out getting the bridges raised earlier than scheduled and to have an ambulance waiting at its docking station. Bit of morphine later and I was still cringing that I’d just ruined my crush’s 18th Birthday with my ovaries.

Number Six: Mum and I attend church on Christmas Eve and one year, we were making the ‘Christingles’ and I got the giggles. Something which is always inappropriate in a church. But I was laughing because I’d snapped the cocktail sticks and was fumbling around on the church floor for them. And apparently that, was the funniest thing in the world!