WHY I SPEAK UP ABOUT RAPE AND ABUSE

I wanna sing, I wanna shout.
I wanna scream till the words dry out.
So put it in all of the papers, I'm not afraid.
They can read all about it, read all about it, oh.

Nothing to hide
Stife and I smother
Suffered and cried
Strife made me tougher

Emeli Sande – Read All About It

I hope that there are some people out there who’ll read that title and say; ‘why shouldn’t she speak up?’ but I’m more confident that there’s people saying ‘yes, why the hell do you talk about it?!’

When the abuse started in 2006, I couldn’t – for one second – imagine telling over half a million people about it; I couldn’t imagine even telling one person! In the very early days, I didn’t even recognize that what he was doing was wrong; I only knew that it felt wrong and the absence of sex education and media stories about abuse and rape, meant that I didn’t even know what it was called. I hadn’t heard those words before; I didn’t know what they meant. I didn’t know that what he was doing to me had a name and because of that, I didn’t know that I wasn’t the only person in the world being hurt in this way. Of course, all of these things would have changed if I’d just taken the chance and spoke up. 

His promises that no one would believe me and my own worry that if people did believe me, they would think I’d deserved it, made me completely reluctant to tell anyone what was happening though. I was already having suicidal thoughts about jumping from a building or overdosing and I knew that if I told someone and one of those possibilities happened then it would be enough to just tip me over the edge and solidify my belief that dying would be the only escape from the abuse. I’d lost all sight of how telling someone could do any positive or good at all. I couldn’t imagine anyone believing me and so I couldn’t imagine anyone being able to make it stop.

WHEN DO YOU NEED TO ‘GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER’?

The other day, at my Digital Marketing internship with Docere and SS Healthfoods, I was talking to one of the Marketing Executives about my long-term goals and all things Universities and careers. It made me think about how long it has taken for me to finally have those dreams/goals, and then I started to consider why I felt there should have been an age for me to have all these things decided. 


I don’t remember even thinking about a ‘dream job’ when I was younger until Middle School when a teacher told my Mum that she thought I’d end up being a Journalist (do you think ‘Blogger’ is close?) but I never really held onto that so much. When I came to the point of choosing my GCSE subjects, I didn’t really have a career in mind then either; I just chose the ones I was interested in – History, Media Studies, and Textiles. Then, when I was excluded from High School, I met a Lawyer specializing in Education and that became my goal – to be like her. I wanted to help children avoid experiencing everything that I had, when I was at School. 


So, at A Level, I took Law, Philosophy, and History, and with the abuse having ‘finished’ months before Sixth Form started, I threw myself into my schoolwork in a desperate bid to block out the memories of it. I also started working at my local Primark store in Newcastle city center but in the end, my mental health deteriorated to the point where there was no blocking anything out and I missed all of my final exams and quit my job because I attempted suicide. Even though I had an offer to study Law at Newcastle University, being sectioned under the Mental Health Act, I instantly didn’t want to work in anything to do with the law and after two weeks in a psychiatric hospital I decided to pursue my other interest; fashion and enrolled on a Summer course. Before I had a chance to attend the induction session, I was sectioned again. After my second longest admission in October 2009 to February 2010, I became interested in the notion of helping others and attempted to enroll on a childcare course but when my DBS came back with notes of my interactions with Police (occasions when I’d been sectioned or had ran away from Hospital), I was denied access to the course. In the end, I developed the belief that if I couldn’t look after myself then I shouldn’t attempt to look after anyone else.

BEST FRIENDS & MENTAL HEALTH

ps. i have so many pics with my besties that i decided to just include this one because I think it sums up friendship perfectly! 

With it recently being Best Friends Day, I was inspired to write this post all about why friendship is so important in mental health…


Growing up, I don’t think I ever paid much attention to my friendships, and that doesn’t mean I was isolated and didn’t have any. It was just that I wasn’t really conscious of the possibility that I could be friendless and that meant I wasn’t very appreciative of the fact that I had three best friends who I’d do everything with! 


I felt like this all through First School until we started Middle School and each of us found their own friendship groups. It seemed to be fairly natural and with us all being in different classes anyway it’s kind of just made sense that we’d find other friends who were in our class. A huge milestone and test in the group’s friendship came when one of my friends lost her mother very suddenly. Our other two friends had no real reaction – that I know of – but I (and my Mum!) were there for her and her family in a flash, and our friendship seemed to repair itself a little for the duration of Middle School.

A CHAT ABOUT TRUST IN MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES | TW

After self-harming over a week ago I was put under the care of the Northumberland,Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust Crisis Resolution Home Treatment Team (or the Crisis Team basically!) and on the day before I was discharged from their caseload I self-harmed again. When I did it the staff arrived to see me and ended up taking me to A&E for stitches. When they went on to their next visit with another service user, they ended up leaving my care plan at that person’s house and as soon as they realized they returned to the house and got it back. Then I got a phone call with an apology to tell me what had happened and that the Team had reported the breach of data protection. The support worker who called me asked if I wanted the complaints procedure and it didn’t take me long to reply with ‘no.’ I think he was surprised but I came to that conclusion because I knew that the Team had done all that they could to rectify the situation; they’d realized what had happened, gotten the care plan back, reported it, and apologized to me. It was that last bit that really helped in my decision not to make a formal complaint. I’ve talked before about how important apologies are to me and how I think they’re essential in mental health because they’re the cornerstone of building – or maintaining trust in a person or a service. The Manager of the service called me and asked if there was anything else they could do because she didn’t want me thinking that I couldn’t trust the Team and therefore wouldn’t utilize them as support in a crisis. But that trust has been maintained with the apology.

“HOW CAN YOU BE SO HONEST ON SOCIAL MEDIA?”

I was recently telling a neighbor about my latest post: ‘THE REALITY OF LIFE AFTER ABUSE | TW’ and describing what I’d talked about in it when she asked me that question; how could I be so honest so publicly? And it got me thinking… then one of my inspirations; Victoria from InTheFrow wrote a piece titled ‘The Problem with Social Media & The Removal of Instagram Likes’ and I was even more confident about writing a piece on my thoughts and rationale behind being honest and upfront on social media.


You know that whole saying about having ‘a weight lifted’ and ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’? I had no idea what that meant or felt like until I started blogging on, I’m NOT Disordered. From November 2006, I wasn’t being 100% honest until January 2013 when the blogging began. That includes the times when I first told someone about the abuse, when I reported it to the Police, and when I had to tell my Mum what had happened to me. Yes, I was telling them something I’d kept a secret, but I wasn’t honest about all of my thoughts and feelings surrounding the abuse. I guess that I was still warming to the idea of talking about what had happened to me and so talking in more detail and in more depth? Well the only reason that didn’t scare the hell out of me was because I didn’t consider it would ever happen. If we went back to that day I was being interviewed in the horrible, falsely home-y room at the Police Station, I could never have imagined that I would end up writing the posts that I write these days. Keeping a huge aspect of my life a secret and then talking about it only halfway…? Well I hadn’t realized what a weight it had been until it was lifted.

MY TOP TEN FAVOURITE THINGS ABOUT BLOGGING

1.      Being able to meet like-minded people

It’s obvious that you won’t always see eye-to-eye with everyone in life but having huge aspects of your life in common with others gives you a pretty good opportunity of meeting people who you’ll identify with. I only have one friend who has a Blog (Marty from gumonmyshoe.com) and I’d honestly be lost without him! It’s so helpful to have someone who truly understands some of the challenges and accomplishments I go through from having I’m NOT Disordered. He knows that when I’m on my phone while we’re out together it doesn’t mean I’m being rude or prioritizing my notifications over friend-time. And he appreciates what a huge achievement it is to land a new collaboration with another organization/individual.

2.      Having the opportunity to empty my mind

When I started to blog from the Psychiatric Hospital in 2013, it was all about getting my thoughts out of my head and it especially became about venting through the drama that would go on between other inpatients and staff. There was a lot of explosive relationships on that ward and sometimes hiding in my room wasn’t enough of an escape from the yelling, aggression and swearing. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that I was never a part of the arguments, but blogging gave me a more productive outlet and helped me reign in my frustrations when things were getting really heated.

MY TOP TIPS FOR TWENTY SCENARIOS IN MENTAL HEALTH RECOVERY

I learnt the hard way that mental health recovery isn’t linear. It isn’t about suddenly not self-harming, not wanting to die any more… I hope that my blog has shown this so that it doesn’t give people a misunderstanding in the way that I had. So as well as making this point, I wanted my blog to also support others as they learn this too…

1.    Feeling like you’ll never stop crying?

It has to. It has to stop eventually. But crying doesn’t have to be a bad thing – it doesn’t make you weak. You can view crying as a relief. It can almost be cathartic and therapeutic to allow the pent-up emotions, thoughts, and feelings leave your body in a – physically – painless way.

2.    Desperate for a distraction?

Be creative about this. A distraction doesn’t have to be the usual ones that mental health professionals ferociously advertise and recommend; like watching TV or reading a book. It can be cooking your favourite meal or going for a walk, completing a wordsearch, playing an online game, or de-cluttering your shelves.

3.    Angry?

Anger doesn’t have to be a negative emotion. It’s all about how you manage it. Does it mean you’re unsafe? Does it mean you push people away? Or can it just be a natural response to a particular situation? Can it be an anger that anyone would feel? Can you cope with it in a healthy, and safe way? There’s the age-old advice of screaming into or hitting a pillow but there’s so many more productive things you can do too! Like throwing yourself into your work, education, or hobby. Letting go of anger can be one of the most powerful actions.

TWELVE THOUGHTS FOR TWELVE YEARS SINCE THE ABUSE ‘ENDED’

When I say ‘ended’, I mean that the physical side of the abuse finished because it’s so important to recognize that there never really is an end to abuse. I don’t say this in a hopeless way; but more as an acknowledgement that the memories, the thoughts, the feelings; they don’t just ‘end.’ 
Note: why am I not posting this on the actual anniversary? Because I'll be too busy having fun with my best-friend! 

1.        I’ll never forget the day I really first reported it

This is something that you may think I’ve spoken about but actually, I’ve only ever talked about my reporting the abuse to professionals and the Police. The reason I haven’t been able to talk about the first reporting is that it’s been hard to find a way to see it in a way that doesn’t reveal who my abuser was because - for legal reasons - I can’t do that. So basically, the first time I ever told someone what was happening to me happened after a huge argument with my abuser and something in me snapped and I thought ‘this is never going to end if I don’t do something about it.’ So, I told my abuser’s ‘boss.’ I was called a manipulative liar and it, obviously, left me completely convinced that I could never tell another person. 

2.       I can still feel unconditional love

I always thought, going through what I had, and dealing with it by dissociating, meant that I’d always stay cut off from the world. I – and others – put a lot of trust in my abuser and I actually relied on him at some point before it began so I worried that I’d never trust in another person again. That I’d never feel another feeling towards someone because I’d be forever scared that someone would destroy me the way that he had. It did take a long time to get to where I am today in terms of relationships but going into recovery helped me to appreciate all of the people who had been there for me through the hard days and in stabilizing my mental health, I’ve learnt how to build stable and healthy relationships.

HALF A MILLION READERS!!! | LESSONS LEARNT, ADVICE & MORE!

To those who’d ground me,

Take a message back from me,

Tell them how I’m

Defying gravity

Wicked – Defying Gravity

HOW IT ALL STARTED:

There’s a lot of things that happened whilst I was poorly that I don’t remember so I’m massively grateful that even though I was in Hospital (Cygnet Hospital Bierley), I can still remember the beginning of I’m NOT Disordered. I’d just had a 1:1 session with my Named Nurse and we’d decided that I’d begin writing about my trauma every night and agreed on a plan for staff to support me whilst I did so. When I walked back into my hospital room and saw my laptop lying on the bed (we were only allowed them on an evening/night) I just seemed to automatically open it up and start typing. Even though I was writing for myself, I think that I always knew it was destined to be read by others. Granted those ‘others’ didn’t include half a million people but the decision to post the link for my first blog post on my Facebook page wasn’t something I debated.

TEN THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY

1.      “I’M TWENTY-EIGHT!”

It’s like I wrote in my blog post on my twenty eighth Birthday (February 1^st 2019), when I took my first overdose aged eighteen (in 2009) I don’t think there was a huge concern that I wouldn’t make it to my next Birthday because the overdose wasn’t really life-threatening and I think people just assumed it to be a ‘one-off.’ But by 2012, when they’d calculated that I’d taken over 60 overdoses in the space of three years and I ended up on life support, I think people became… ‘concerned’ is probably an understatement… especially after I ended up on life support in Intensive Care.

2.      “I LIVE IN A BUNGALOW”

So often I get asked questions about my ‘flat’ and I’m so proud and lucky to be able to correct people with ‘I live in a bungalow.’ It’s sad that I only got this home because I’d been in a psychiatric hospital for two and a half years and so I was high priority on the list for a council property. But I could’ve just been housed in a crappy little flat! We dubbed my little bungalow my ‘forever home’ but as I progress through recovery, I can see that it’s almost inevitable that I will move at some point in the future but for now, I’m grateful for my little one-bedroom bungalow! 

AN OPEN LETTER TO MARTIN BAKER OF 'GUM ON MY SHOE'

Dear Marty,


After reading one of your recent blog posts, I know that you’ve been feeling sort of lost recently and have been questioning your place in the mental health world so I thought that perhaps this letter might motivate you through these doubts and struggles. 


Firstly, I wanted to say how glad I am to have met you at that Time To Change event – it’s always nice and fun to meet someone who you’ve connected with online, in person. But there was something special about you – something different. You were genuine. I think that, these days, it’s incredibly hard to find someone who is the same in person as they are online, not a lot of people are genuine and of course there those who hide behind a keyboard but I feel like you and I are both learning that there’s also a huge number of people on social media who can be of invaluable support online. And you have helped me to see this as I’ve gotten to know you – especially during a recent visit to A&E(!) – I’ve seen how many people you support through social media. Learning that number really did leave me speechless! It’s inspiring to think of the strength you have in order to be there for so many people.

FIVE SONGS HELPING ME THROUGH MY MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS

I won't live inside your world

'Cause your punches and your names
All your jokes and stupid games
They don't work
No, they don't hurt
Watch them just go right through me
Because they mean nothing to me

-          Grace Vanderwaal – Clay

The huge catalyst for this recent ‘blip’ in my mental health was the news about my abuser’s new job role. It brought back all the old feelings about him – the anger, frustration, sadness… it all came flooding back, overwhelming me and taking over all of the positive thoughts and feelings. To come through the blip, I’m trying to regain some control over all those negative feelings and bring them in check so that they’re manageable and aren’t influencing my thoughts to self-harm or cause me to feel suicidal. Instead, I’m trying to adopt the attitude that no matter what he says or does, I’ll just get on with my life. I have to.

FIVE WAYS TO BUILD EACH OTHER UP | HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY

For International Women’s Day last year, I wrote a post about my twelve favourite women. Some of those women are no longer in my life so I considered writing a up-to-date one but then, I thought that it might be nice to write something a little different this year. After all, I sing the praises of my favourites so often that I don’t think there are any words left in the world that I haven’t used, to describe and thank them.

So, this year I wanted to focus on some of the ways that people – though women are the focus today - can support one another:

1.      No pressure

With social media being everywhere at the moment, it’s become a very influential platform and the old saying of ‘sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me’ is becoming less and less true. We’re always inundated with criticisms and the goals for weight, style, health, relationships, etc. are constantly changing. Just when you think you’ve achieved something, it seems that there’s someone there to better it and leave you feeling inferior and insufficient. I think that one of the greatest awareness’s you can gain in life is the insight that there’s consequences for your words and actions. But there needs to be a balance between pressuring a person into being someone they’re not and encouraging a person to grow, develop and take on new challenges.  

WHY I BLOG

Today, I wanted to talk a bit about why I blog. When I was speaking with the Team Lead for RichmondFellowship Tyneside yesterday she asked what motivated me to do everything I do, and it made me wonder if other people might also want to know the answer to that question. At the time, my answer was ‘there’s a ton of reasons but I think the main one is to help others.’ So, I thought this would be a nice opportunity to think a bit more about my rationale for doing what I have for six years now.

I feel like I’ve told the story of starting I’m NOT Disordered hundreds of times, but I recognize how many new readers I’ve had recently and it’s safe to assume that not many people will scroll back through the archives and read all 752 posts since January 2013.

WHY I’M ALL ABOUT SELF-LOVING THIS VALENTINES DAY | FOUR TIPS TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER

I couldn’t decide what to write this post about; family relationships, friendships, or the absence of romantic relationships on a day when ‘romance is in the air.’ And then I came to the conclusion that an important factor in any kind of relationship is the one you have with yourself. When you don’t feel good in yourself then you’ll struggle to both maintain healthy relationships and create new ones.

1.       PUT ALL THE FEEL-GOODS ON

That includes feel-good music (mine is Keala Settle – This is Me from The Greatest Showman because it’s so empowering), a movie (Alice in Wonderland for its far-fetched storyline), and book (Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald because I feel so accomplished finishing it in one day!). Filling your life with happy music, movies and books can provide for both a much-needed boost to your mood, or a welcome relief from reality. 

HOW WORDS HAVE IMPACTED MY LIFE | THE POWER OF WRITING

Sticks and stones may break these bones,

But then, I’ll be ready

Are you ready?

-          P!NK – What About Us

The inspiration for this post came from my recent fuss with my medication… After the development of the new delusion/hallucination (which I talked about in this post there was many discussions around increasing my anti-psychotic medication. My Psychiatrist was reluctant; stating that studies show most people with Borderline Personality Disorder rarely benefit from medication and my CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) played Devils Advocate and attempted to remain neutral whilst clearly supporting the Psychiatrist! So, my medication was increased for twenty-one days and after taking a week to get into my system, it made all the difference. The delusion was gone, and I was safe again. But the professionals are still hesitant in making the increase permanent. As the days have gone on with me waiting for some sort of response/decision from the Community Mental Health Team, I’ve considered whether writing down everything and giving it to my CPN would help. Over the years of I’m NOT Disordered I think it’s safe to say that I’ve learnt the power of writing! But some old fear creeped in… what if I poured my heart and soul out and they still didn’t listen to me? It’d all have been for nothing! Another reason that stopped me from writing it all down was a feeling of stubbornness; they should listen to my words in the first place so that I don’t feel like I have to write them down for them! Either way, it got me thinking about the power of words – both written and spoken.

THE BENEFITS OF TALKING ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH BY PAUL NICOL, PEER SUPPORT WORKER | TIME TO TALK DAY 2019 | GUEST POST

With this being the eve of Time To Talk Day 2019, I asked Peer Support Worker; Paul Nicol what he thought the benefits are of talking about mental health...

Quite a question to be asked. My trusty armour automatically attaches to me, offering protection at first consideration. Like some sci-fi character, I feel the chunks of metal bolt on to me as my first thought is....... there is no benefit for me. That first thought is a response to the shame I carry of mental health having influenced large chunks of my life. Why would I tell anyone that I felt worthless, pathetic, weak and struggle to survive the now, let alone consider a future? Why would I tell anyone that the monkey on my back keeps me in a regretful past of underachievement; losing job after job because I was just too lazy to get out of bed? Why would I tell anyone that I self-medicated for years and found cannabis and alcohol gave me a reason to continue and chemicals gave me a weekend party to look forward to? I’m vulnerable enough, with all of this, why would I tell anyone about my mental health?

TEN LIFE LESSONS LEARNT FROM HARRY POTTER

Since ITV are currently showing all the Harry Potter films, I thought it appropriate to blog about all of the life lessons I’ve learnt from the magical series that is Harry Potter!

Also! I’d like to dedicate this post to one of my absolute best-friends; Ellie who’s forever working her ass off juggling children and education so hopefully this post will help cheer her up!

So, here’s my top ten:

1.       Love can save lives

I thought it would make sense to begin my list with a lesson learnt from the very first film; Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone. This lesson comes from when Harry’s Mum Lily protects him from Lord Voldermort’s killing spell (avada kedavra) by giving her own life.

2.       We are not shaped by our childhood

Harry grows up being lied to; told his parents died in a car crash, that there’s no such thing as magic, he’s emotionally abused by his Aunt and Uncle who keep him in a cupboard under the stairs and regularly berate him. Yet he remains honest, kind, and caring.

HOW I COPE WITH THE ANGER OF ABUSE

“You’re blinded by hatred!”

-          Professor Lupin, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

TW: self-harm

For such a long time I felt this overwhelming, powerful, uncontrollable anger towards my abuser and really, the entirety of the abuse, for so many reasons that it felt like I was drowning in it.

I was angry that someone could be capable of doing what he had. I was angry at myself for not fighting back each and every time. I was angry that I was lying to my Mum, that I wasn’t in control, that he wasn’t being punished for doing something wrong, and that I couldn’t think of an instance where I’d deserved all of this.

 Like a lot of things around the abuse, I feel as though there aren’t enough words in the world to allow someone the ability to comprehend just how powerful this anger was. So, to put it into – perhaps – an easier emotion to understand; it’s like when you’re so happy that you smile at everyone you see. Or when you’re so proud of an achievement that you want to tell the world about it…? It’s almost as though when any emotion is overwhelming, you have to share it. So why should something like anger be any different? I felt as though it was spilling over and out of my head; landing on other people. But really, it was me. I was putting my anger on others; I felt like I had to because at the time, it was the only way I thought I could cope with it all.

MY CURRENT FEELINGS ON THE ABUSE

A little while ago a reader asked me how I’d come to terms with the abuse – how I’d come to accept it and it got me thinking…

Can you ever ‘accept’ abuse?

And what does it mean to have ‘accepted’ it? Does it make it ok?

I think that what the reader meant by ‘accept’ was how I’d moved on from it. How I’d come to be unstuck from the flashbacks and memories.

Being in ‘recovery’ is – I think – about being safe with your emotions. Having the power to resist any thoughts or urges to self-harm; because it’s not that you don’t have them anymore. It’s that they don’t control you. Your life. Your relationships with loved ones. Your hobbies and free-time. Your work. Your confidence. So, I think that becoming safe with my thoughts and feelings has had a huge impact on my ability to move on from the abuse because it’s allowed me the opportunity to feel all the emotions, I’d been either blocking out, or overwhelmed by, since it started in 2006. And over the years, I’ve learnt – with the help of professionals – that a lot of my hallucinations come from pent up thoughts and emotions. It’s almost as though my brain becomes so overwhelmed with all these secret feelings that it just breaks and that creates a hallucination! I think I’ve become safe with my emotions around the abuse because of two things; medication, and sheer hard work!