Dear Luna,
I feel like the way a pet comes into your life says so much about the bond and relationship you’re going to have. It’s like a hint or a sign of what’s to come. If you find a pet as a stray or if you adopt them from a shelter or buy them from a store… The difference in a beginning can hold a lot of importance for the journey you’re going to have together. And I believe that our beginning was no different…
In April
2021, my first bunny; Pixie was put to sleep and after six weeks, I wrote a
blog post stating that I’d made – what felt like at the time – the biggest
decision since losing her; I’d decided not to get another bunny. In the post, I
talked about how after losing Pixie, my relationship with my rescue cat; Emmy,
had actually started to improve because I felt like Pixie and I had always had
such a special bond that as loved as Emmy was, it was tricky to create as
intense a relationship or connection as I had with Pixie. It felt like I was
always comparing them, and that Pixie just always had that extra special
meaning in helping me with the rabbit hallucinations that had plagued my mental
health and safety for so long. And that was probably one of the largest
challenges I had in that decision not to get another bunny – without a rabbit,
were the hallucinations going to come back and be just as hard to cope with as
they had been without Pixie? Did that mean I’d end up sectioned again and back
in hospital?
I
prioritised my improving relationship with Emmy though and stopped looking for
bunnies for sale! But, within weeks things changed as the house began to feel
emptier and emptier. As though no matter how loved Emmy was – no matter how
many memories we made together – there was a piece of the jigsaw forever
missing. And that piece was rabbit-shaped! In my journey to finding you, I had to
confront a few obstacles: There were a few stumbling points with viewings of
rabbits that went poorly and prospective ones that fell through at the last
minute and so many people took that as a sign that maybe I wasn’t supposed to
get another bunny. I also had people voice their concerns that getting a bunny
wasn’t fair on Emmy who was perhaps only just adjusting to life with Pixie and
becoming accustomed to having 100% of my attention 100% of the time. But I’m a
very determined person – especially when it comes to my pets – and when I know
something is right, then I know. And seeing your photo and your little (as it
was then!) moustache? Well, how could I not have fallen in love? And how could
I not have fought to add you to our home?
When
you were finally home, I wrote a blog post introducing you to the world, and in
it I talked about how I had realised that the hole Pixie had left in the home
would always be here, but you had carved your own little space in the jigsaw
and that, from the moment I first held you and sniffed your soft fur, I couldn’t
imagine doing this life without you. And from Day One, I’ve had the distinct
feeling that Pixie is watching over all of us and that she was so happy I
changed my mind and got a new bunny because she knew her whole life how needed a
bunny is for me… And whilst, three years on, of course things have changed with
my mental health and my safety; I don’t think I will never stop remembering the
rabbit hallucinations or that I will never stop being scared that they come
back. It really helps to know that I have all the Therapy skills I learnt in
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy to battle them and any impact they have on my
safety levels and my use of unsafe coping skills, but there are no Therapy
skills in the world that are as good as having an actual bunny in my life!
Watching
you first meet Emmy and that first night when you were both on my bed and
started washing yourselves at the exact same time right next to each other?
Well, they are memories I will never forget and will always cherish and I’m so
incredibly grateful that I filmed and photographed so much of those early days!
I also loved that whilst I put a lot of importance in getting another rabbit,
you are so completely different to Pixie was (something which I talked about in
your 1st Birthday blog post!). So, I think that the largest
difference with you and Pixie, is your energy! Initially that was difficult though
because I had been so used to Pixie’s attitude and behaviour and hadn’t
recognised that bunnies aren’t really ‘meant’ to be that placid and docile! The
Vet regularly commented on Pixie’s placidity and how calm she was. She would
sit still once you put her somewhere – which was so useful for photos! – and I
could always pick her up for hugs that would last forever if I had the stamina
to stand there and hold onto her for that long! You, on the other hand, were
always on the go when I first got you! I mean, I tried to keep you on the bed for
the best part of your first day, but you were forever wanting to jump off it
and explore the rest of your new home. I grew to love this huge difference
though because it really helped separate you from Pixie and recognise your uniqueness
and individuality. It helped to make you so special.
One
place you would sit for ages though, was the bedroom windowsill when you’d jump
up on the bed that was pushed against the window! That was lovely, but also
hard to see because Emmy was very much an outdoor cat and since Pixie was a
good 4kg heavier than you(!), she used to go out too, but I always had visions
of you being in the garden and seagulls picking you up and flying off with you!
So, I worried that you enjoying watching the world go by through the window was
kind of sad and meant that you wished you could go out too. But when you got
bigger and seemed to grow out of that as you started exploring other rooms more
and playing inside with Emmy.
In
October 2022 – just over one year after adding you to the family – we lost
Emmy. We. Because you and I – in the saddest way/for the saddest reason possible
– became a two-man team! I think that honestly, the hardest thing about losing
Emmy wasn’t the impact it had on me and how destroying it was to hold her in my
arms whilst the Vet administered the medication that was going to make her
leave us, it was coming home to you without your best-friend. Coming home
empty-handed. And, as huge an advocator as I am for the fact that I believe
animals – especially bunnies – are so much more intelligent than a lot of
people give them credit for or believe they are, I still believed that there
were no words in the world that would help me to explain Emmy’s death to you. Even
if you were a full-grown person, I think I would have felt that way! How do you
tell someone that someone they were so attached to has gone forever? How do you
tell them that you’re all they have left? How much do you hope that you’re good
enough? And that’s what I struggled with next – trying to be good enough to
keep you going after losing Emmy.
And now
is the hardest bit which I was least looking forward to confronting in this message
to you… It’s an apology. The biggest, most sincere apology I can ever give, I
promise. I’m sorry that I didn’t immediately recognise your grieving behaviours
after losing Emmy… Of course, I knew you missed her, and I realised this is
what was meant when you seemed to search around the house for her and would go and
sniff where her scratch post and toys had been, but when you began using your
head to push that crinkle tunnel around the sitting room? I’m sorry I laughed.
I’m sorry I thought it was funny and cute. And that I made others feel that way
too. I’m so eternally sorry. It’s taken a lot for me to come through the guilt
and terrible self-hate that this failure of mine caused me. I’ve always prided
myself on having some sort of almost sixth sense when it comes to my pets and
feeling that I have these unparalleled instincts and certainties – especially when
something is wrong. So, to feel that I missed this huge sign from you? Not only
did it feel like a failure, but it also panicked me that I wasn’t as in tune
with you as I thought I was or as I had been with other pets. And I think this
exacerbated those worries that I wasn’t good enough of a companion once Emmy
was gone.
The way
I managed to come through that guilt, was by focusing on two thoughts:
1.
You
wouldn’t have wanted me to feel bad for that.
2.
As
soon as I did realise something was wrong, I did all that I could to help you.
I
remember asking the Vet what the best thing would be for you, and she said
getting you ‘a friend.’ She explained that she believed it would be a lot
easier to introduce you to another bunny than a whole new cat, so after
Christmas – in January 2023 – I picked up your brand-new friend (who I would
have never envisioned would become an even greater soul mate), a fellow mini-Lionhead,
Gracie. So, something which I think I’ve actually never shared with anyone… I
named her ‘Gracie’ because I believed she would be our ‘saving grace.’ I
believed she’d be the answer to your grief and, with all the research and
documented cases of animals dying of a broken heart after losing other animals
in their household, your actual, little lifesaver. I honestly don’t think you
could have held on much longer after losing Emmy if I hadn’t got Gracie when I
did and so many others agreed with me, so I had a ton of support for my
decision to get her. And do you know what? It wasn’t even an issue considering that
getting her was kind of like admitting or facing up to the fact that I definitely
wasn’t a good enough support for you. This was beyond that. Beyond my
self-confidence and self-worth. This was your life. And I repeated those two
reasons I mentioned earlier; you wouldn’t want me to feel inadequate in any way
and I had done what I could as soon as I knew I needed to.
Not to
be cocky or arrogant, but I think that getting another pet for the sake of one
of the ones you have, is an actual, upmost testament to your love for them. Getting
a pet is a huge decision to make, and whilst it wasn’t as though I didn’t want
Gracie, I did feel like the one reason I was getting her for me was actually because
I needed to see you happy again. The part of me that needed her was the same part
which massively loves and dotes on you. And boy, did I make the right
decision?! The two of you are as thick as thieves now! I mean, if I see you separate
from each other I immediately think something is wrong and that there’s been some
kind of fall-out because it happens so rarely! And I think that a testament to
this is the fact that you two were always so together all the time that I
needed a companion for myself(!) and so – in May 2023 – I finally decided to
get our fluffy Maine Coon/Rag Doll mix, Ruby!
The
three of you have made me feel so complete and whole again. Finally. And I will
always believe that you instigated that feeling Luna, so, from the bottom of my
heart to the absolute top of it… thank you.
I hope
you have the happiest of Birthdays and I love you so much – we all love you so
much! Don’t ever stop being you; my energetic, little, fluffy moustache!
