“Words can
break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together.”
Taylor
Swift
Having recently experienced a relapse in my mental health journey (you can read more about it at its very worst in this blog post: TW | “SHE’S ACTUALLY JUMPED! GET AMBULANCE ON LIGHTS & SIREN!” | WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE, DURING, & AFTER YOU JUMP, LESSONS LEARNT, & LOTS OF ADVICE | I'm NOT Disordered), I’m finally in a much better and safer place mentally and, a few days ago (at the time of writing) I was discharged from the caseload of my local Crisis Team. The entire relapse really brought home the fact that professionals tend to miss out or skirt over the fact that recovery isn’t linear and so, they’re often promoting this idea of once you’re in recovery that’s it; you’re better forever. When this simply isn’t true, and – I feel – it does more harm to not prepare someone to still need to face difficult days. So, with this in mind, I was inspired to write this blog post about other things professionals leave unsaid about mental health…
“Asking for help isn’t the hardest step
– accepting it and engaging with it, is.”
It’s a very common belief that asking for help is the
first, hardest step but I’d disagree and feel that I’ve personally experienced that
voluntarily accepting help when it is offered or provided and then actually agreeing
to willingly engage with it, are the most difficult. I think this is because
they are the two real and committed actions that contribute to finally setting
foot on some sort of recovery journey. Anyone can say they want help, but it
can take real strength, dedication, determination, passion, and self-love to
actually use any help that is offered or provided as a result of your ask.
Now, I understand the thought process of a lot of
people with this one who may recognise that a lot of people will feel weak, or
it will damage their pride to ‘admit’ they need help from someone else. But
actually, it was incredibly easy to think of how happy it would make others if
I could say I had picked up the phone and asked the Crisis Team for help, but
it wasn’t so easy or straightforward when they offered me an assessment and
said they’d be out within 24 hours! Like, the thought of absolutely no one in
my life felt like enough reason to sit there and see them – that willingness to
engage and cooperation with their advice and plan, had to come from me.
“A qualification doesn’t mean a
professional is the best at something.”
This can be a hard and potentially disheartening
lesson to learn because you, mostly and typically, trust in professionals and believe
they know what they’re talking about. For me, one of the hardest things when I
feel that a professional isn’t doing what’s best for me and I need to speak up
about it, is the feeling that I’m being disrespectful in some way; that I’m
telling them how to do their job. And it isn’t that I feel I don’t want to do
that – it’s the embarrassment and awkwardness that I have to do it at all! Because
doing it just confronts this lesson; that they aren’t always the best at
something – I mean, when you think about it, what makes that professional a
professional? Like, what sets them apart from you? Their education – typically,
anyway. Their qualifications – and obviously being successful in getting the
actual job(!) – have defined them.
I think that by now, in the mental health industry,
it’s mostly agreed that it is experience that can really help in providing
someone with care, help, and support. It is recognised that a survivor of rape
will be more trusting in the words and advice of a fellow survivor than they
would a Police Officer or a Psychiatrist. If another survivor told them to always
have hope and to know that recovery from trauma is possible, are they more likely
to listen and believe them than a professional making that statement. Whether
the professional is stating it based on seeing survivors recover! It’s the
experience – that’s what is validating.
“You’ll want and look for validation
everywhere until you start validating yourself.”
Leading on nicely from literally just mentioning
validation… Validation is something that’s incredibly important to me and it’s
something which means a lot to my mental health, wellbeing, and – sadly – my physical
safety levels too. Initially, learning – or realising this – was really great
and positive because it meant I knew what I needed or was looking for if I confided
in a professional and talked to them about my thoughts, feelings, and
experiences. However, when I found that even knowing I needed this response, it
didn’t mean I would always get it! And so, why did I need it in the first place?
Because I wasn’t validating myself. Because I wasn’t
sitting there and saying to myself that I had every right to be suicidal or to
be thinking about self-harming. That it was understandable and that I was entitled
to be struggling. And that’s not about promoting unsafe coping skills or
behaviours and actions, it’s more about validating that they’re there and why
they’re there. It obviously doesn’t mean you don’t then need to fight those
reasons or undermine them in some way or find alternative coping skills for them.
There’s this short (8 episodes) Series on Netflix
called Unbelievable
(trigger warning if you’re going to check it out as it’s massively about rape) and
in it, one of the survivors talks about how it’s strange to think that this one
‘short’ instant in her life has had such a massive, long-term impact on her. And
I think this is relevant to the topic of me and being validated because I think
a huge reason why I crave it is that I went through six months of abuse where validation
was never given to me. I acted out in so many ways to try to show people that
something was happening – in the desperate hope that someone would sit up and think
‘I wonder why Aimee’s acting differently…’ And I think those six months without
validation have, ultimately, meant everything. That they’ve made a huge
difference to the level of importance I place on it as a response to me.
“Crisis Teams aren’t always the calmest
in a crisis!”
One of my best-friends – when seeing these ten things
– said that this was one of his two favourites because it was something he had
neither known nor thought of before. Which goes to my point about a person’s
experiences resonating with others and being the thing that separates us all as
individuals. Someone who hasn’t had the same experiences as another person,
likely, won’t have learnt the same life lessons or put importance in similar
things. Whereas others, who have been in a mental health crisis that has
resulted in Crisis Team involvement, might not be so surprised to read this
one!
It kind of links back to the point about professionals
and thinking that having their qualifications and their job, means they know
what they’re talking about and that they’re the best at what they do. And so,
you think that in a crisis, when all these people are recommending you call a
Crisis Team, that must mean they’ll calm things and rectify the whole
situation. They’ll make it right. Make it better. But actually, they’re just as
human as we are; they will still panic or stress in situations that might cause
or influence those thoughts and feelings of panic and stress. Professionals – especially
those in mental health – aren’t robots.
“Nothing is wrong with you if a helpline isn’t helpful.”
One of the most common pieces of advice – and it’s
something I’m guilty of saying myself! – in mental health, is to ring a helpline.
I mean, I even have a whole page on the blog (have you noticed the Help Directory
page?) but, if you visit it, you’ll notice that I divide ‘helplines’ into different
methods – so there are some which are actually online, live chats, some which
are via email, some which are through phoning a number, and there’s even Apps
and text support services too! Because I recognise that people need help in
different ways – and it isn’t about accessibility and whether someone is
knowledgeable and skilled at using technology and the internet!
It’s more about recognising that actually, some people
don’t like to talk on the phone – they find it awkward or some – like myself –
who have experience of auditory hallucinations, struggle with the idea that you
can hear the other person’s voice, but you can’t see the actual person it’s coming
from. Almost like when you hear voices. And this reminder isn’t useful when all
you want, and need is help and support.
So, if you find yourself ringing a helpline – even if
you’ve done so regardless of the fact that you feel it won’t help (firstly,
well done for still going through with it!) – and it isn’t useful, and you don’t
feel supported or helped in any way after it… Do not, for one minute, think
that there’s something wrong with you. Please don’t think ‘well they help everyone
else’ and ‘everyone else says they’re useful’ and see that as evidence that
there’s something wrong with you. It means they aren’t the right or the best
form of help or support for you in that particular moment or that exact crisis,
and this doesn’t even mean you’ll never find them helpful and that you should
never ring them again (depending on how ‘unhelpful’ your experience was – I recognise
that some might feel put off forever). So, don’t turn it into a self-deprecating
instance. Move on to the next source or method of help or support. And yes,
that’s easier said than done because you can feel totally disheartened and
disappointed when you strike out with one source of help – like why on earth would
you trust anyone else after one person or service was unhelpful? But please don’t
give up.