Goodbye,
goodbye, goodbye,
You
were bigger than the whole sky,
You
were more than just a short time,
And
I’ve got a lot to pine about
I’ve
got a lot to live without
Taylor
Swift – Bigger Than The Whole Sky
I’ve always said that since Day One of creating I’m NOT Disordered back in 2013, the content has been about what I want to publish, what I want to create, and what I – and my mental health – benefit from writing about. So, when I found myself full to the brim of sad thoughts and feelings when my youngest bunny; Gracie, passed away on November 1st, I immediately thought ‘I’ll write a blog post; that’ll help!’ I fully recognise that it might not ‘do well’ in terms of gaining readers but ultimately, it’s helped me to process these thoughts and feelings massively and that actually feels so much more important and worthy of publishing…
For
Professional Help & Support with Pet Loss:
How
to cope with the loss of a pet - RSPCA - rspca.org.uk
Blue Cross Pet
Loss Support | Pet Loss
How
to cope with the death of a pet - PDSA
Grief and loss |
Dealing with your cat's death | Cats Protection
Why Rabbits Matter So Much To Me
So, I thought I’d start with some background and do
a bit of context for you… Firstly, I figured I’d explain why I even have
rabbits in my life and why they are so important and beneficial to my mental
health.
When I was younger – I’m not too sure how old but
old enough to remember(!) – I had two black and white rabbits called Happy and
Thumper. They turned out to be male and female and had babies. Unfortunately,
we didn’t realise that you aren’t meant to interfere with the nest and touch
the kits (baby rabbits) so we’d kept checking on them. The next thing, the
rabbits had killed their babies. Now, this isn’t unheard of for rabbits but of
course, being so young; I had no real appreciation for it simply being an element
of ‘nature’ and something that can happen. And I remember the blood around the
hutch.
I don’t recall being overly traumatised about it or
being too upset, but it obviously subconsciously stayed with me because when my
mental health started to deteriorate in 2009 after going through rape and six
months of sexual abuse, I actually began hallucinating rabbits. Some might
think that’s quite an innocent and fun hallucination to have but the rabbits I
saw were dirty and they just filled me with almost this instinctual feeling of
fear and they somehow made me so sure and so convinced that seeing them meant
something bad was going to happen.
In 2017, when I teamed up with my local NHS mental
health Trust: Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust
(CNTW) and my local Police force: Northumbria Police, to co-facilitate mental
health training for their new recruits, the Inspector I worked alongside always
asked me to relay this one story… I had been detained under section 136 (which
is the Police’s sectioning powers under the 1983 Mental Health Act and allows
them to take you for an assessment with two Psychiatrists and an Approved
Mental Health Practitioner who can then decide to section you to a psychiatric
hospital) and was in this little room with a female Police Officer in A&E.
I’d tried to run away, been restrained and given a mild sedative injection, and
then had the assessment and was told I was being sectioned. The Psychiatrists
and Approved Mental Health Practitioner had gone out the room to arrange a bed
for me at the nearest psychiatric hospital and to figure out how to get me
there, so it was just the Officer and I in the room.
I remember blinking and when I opened my eyes my
vision went straight to the area underneath this little plastic chair that was
on the opposite side of the room and there were a little group of mud-covered
rabbits. The Officer – without me saying or doing anything – noticed I was
staring at something she couldn’t see and asked what I was looking at, then she
asked me if that was a good thing or not and I told her ‘not.’ Next thing I
knew, she had picked this chair up (being plastic, it wasn’t exactly heavy!)
and began stamping her big black boot all over the space where they were and
again, it was like I blinked, and they’d gone. I couldn’t have been more
grateful to her in that moment. I think the largest, most beneficial feeling I
experienced from this action of hers, was validation. I knew that she couldn’t
see those rabbits – but that wasn’t enough to make me question whether they
were there or not. I knew they were, and I just came up with all these
far-fetched reasons why I could see them, and she couldn’t e.g. I was magic or
I was cursed with this ability…
The validation I felt from her doing that meant
that I ended up cooperating with the staff and she agreed to take me to the
psychiatric hospital in her car so that we didn’t have to wait for this private
ambulance to come. She also said that since she didn’t feel I was of any
threat, she wouldn’t put me in the cage in her vehicle and she let me turn the
lights and siren on! And I just remember thinking: she did this really simple
but thoughtful thing and look at the impact it’s had on this whole situation! Like,
what effort did it take for her to do stamp her foot on ‘empty space’? But how
much importance had it held for me?!
It was also about the thought that went into it…
Like, knowing she couldn’t see them I recognised that she hadn’t thought to
stand on them to protect or benefit herself in any way. She’d literally done it
purely for me. For my mental health. For my safety. My wellbeing. My happiness.
And that level of compassion wasn’t always experienced – particularly in mental
health crisis and particularly when the Police became involved! So, not only
did I start to cooperate in that one instance, but she also helped me to
develop a better, more positive and productive opinion of the entire Force.
I’ve always said that rightly or wrongly, one professional is a representative
of their entire organisation or service and so if they have a poor attitude or
something, it can really set a tone for your thoughts on all the others in that
organisation! Even without giving all of them a ‘fair’ chance, that one
professional or member of staff could have created a reputation for them all.
So, I actually found myself willing to trust in Officers a lot more and found a
whole new level of respect and appreciation for their efforts to save my life.
In 2012 – around a year or so after this instance
with the Police Officer – I had made a suicide attempt that left me on life
support. When I woke up, I was sectioned again and transferred to a specialist
psychiatric hospital. At some point whilst I was there, I told one of the staff
about this instance with the Officer and she said “perhaps that’s something we
could do too… If it helped?” I told her how much it had meant to me and so
whenever I hallucinated them on the ward, the staff would come and basically
believe me! There was one time actually, where the Nursing Assistant had me
stand in the hallway while gathered them all up in a ‘net’ and threw them all
out the fire exit door!
Despite the majority of the staff doing this, there
were a few who actually disagreed, and I ended up overhearing one argument
between them when the unsupportive staff made the comment that they were
‘playing into’ my hallucinations. I appreciated that I think she was just
genuinely worried that if they did these kind of things that validated the
hallucinations, I’d question why I should be taking an anti-psychotic
medication and wouldn’t engage in Therapy to try to stop the hallucinations –
or at least build some sort of understanding about them and develop coping
skills to safely manage myself and my mental health when they were there. But I
explained that I recognised the staff’s responses didn’t mean they were real. I
understood that it didn’t mean the staff could see them too. I also explained
that whilst they were validating and helping me with them, that didn’t mean I
wanted to keep seeing them and so I still had the motivation to take medication
and engage in Therapy!
After two and a half years in that hospital, I was
without hallucinations and coping safely with any upsets, so I was finally
discharged in December 2014! But, almost three years later, I began seeing the
rabbits again and I was so terrified to tell anyone because I was convinced
that I’d be sectioned and sent back to hospital again. I was also afraid of
what it meant… Like, if I was hallucinating again then surely that meant I was
out of recovery? Surely that meant I was poorly again…? Surely that meant the
suicidal thoughts and feelings and attempts were going to come back/happen
again? And the self-harm – would those thoughts come back too? But, despite all
of these fears, I was also aware that I wouldn’t get rid of them by myself. I
needed help. And I couldn’t get help unless I talked and told someone why I
needed it!
So, I was in my local Pets at Home store in
September 2017 with my Mum, and I was looking at all of the rabbits they had,
when I had this thought: what if I held one? Maybe it would help to recognise
reality. So, out of all the bunnies there, I picked this lop-eared Lionhead and
when I held her, I started to cry and found myself telling my Mum that the
hallucinations were back. The next day, I returned to the store to buy the
bunny – who I named Pixie – and her hutch and all the bits and pieces and took
her home (I wrote a blog post at the time, you can read it here).
That may sound very impulsive, and it sort of was, but I did put some thought
into it… Mostly, into the thought that what if I got her and also got help and
the hallucinations went, would I lose the motivation to have her? I decided no!
I came to the conclusion that even if I had no hallucinations, rabbits would
now always be important and special to me, and I thought that owning one – even
without the hallucinations – would be like the ultimate sign of recovery. It’d
be powerful and it’d give me the feeling that I’ve overcome them, that all
those evil and dirty rabbits didn’t win! I had ultimately won by being brave
and strong enough to have one in my life permanently!
How Gracie Saved The Day
I lost that first bunny Pixie in 2021 after five
instances of Gut Stasis the Vet said that she would continue to experience it
and that it was getting harder and harder to pull her through them. It was no
quality of life for her, so she was put to sleep. It took me a few months to feel
ready to get another bunny and I had a cat at the time too called Emmy, so I
didn’t want it to seem as though she was in any way inadequate or something. But,
my importance around rabbits won in the end and so, I got Luna in September
2021 (you can read my blog post introducing her, here).
Unfortunately, Emmy and Luna were only together for
just over one year when Emmy passed from Feline Leukaemia in October 2022
(there’s a blog post for her death here).
Afterwards, Luna would get the cat tunnel in her mouth and drag it round the
sitting room and, at first, I laughed and videoed her thinking it was cute and
funny. But the Vet pointed out that actually, she could smell the cat and was
looking for someone to play with so really, it was a sad thing. It was grief. Then
she started searching the house all the time and always seemed to be looking in
the places where Emmy used to sleep and when the Vet pointed out that she’d
likely bond better and faster with another rabbit than a new cat, on January 9th,
2023, I brought Gracie home!
In the blog post introducing her (which you can
read here)
I explained that I’d done very little research on introducing her to Luna but
that I had a basic understanding that you’re supposed to do things gradually.
Some sites or professionals even recommend just getting their scent on an
object and then giving it to the other bunny first and then letting them sniff
each other through a cage… I can’t explain it, but I just felt that it would be
ok to just have them meet and bring Luna through after Gracie had been shut in
the sitting room for a few hours. I also felt certain that Luna needed a new
connection and friend sooner rather than later. I know it sounds dramatic, but
you hear of animals dying from heartbreak a lot and I honestly felt that Luna
was on the cusp of giving in because she was becoming so lonely.
They immediately sniffed each other, and that first
day – like I said in the blog post I just linked – it was a bit rocky in
wondering whether I’d actually caused some stress, so I kept Gracie in the
sitting room that night and Luna was shut in the Kitchen. By day three though,
again, as I said in the blog post, I ended up crying numerous times from seeing
how they had bonded! They were washing each other and snuggling up together,
following each other around, eating next to each other – often stealing a leaf
directly out of the other one’s mouth(!) – and just generally connecting. It
was honestly so amazing and heart-warming to see and it’s one of a few special
moments in my life where I’ve honestly felt like a good Mum! Like, I’d made the
right decision for Luna. The best decision. I’d helped her. I’d done right by
her. I’d picked up on her feelings and I’d acted in her best interests. And I
had been right in assessing what she needed, how she needed it, and when she needed
it. It made me feel like I really did know her, and I felt that it showed the
magnitude of my love for her too.
However, it was a two-way thing! Gracie had been
the bestest choice too – I honestly believe that just any rabbit would have
been the right one for Luna! I don’t think she was so desperate for love and
bonding that she would have connected with just any bunny, Gracie was the right
one for her. Her soulmate. And for the last two years, I’ve witnessed countless
moments of that solid-as-a-rock relationship grown from strength to strength…
I actually created a few videos of some of their most
lovely moments together on my YouTube channel; here are my favourite two and
there’s more on the channel: Aimee Wilson - YouTube
Losing Gracie: How It Happened &
All My Worries & Decisions
So, two days ago (at the time of writing this:
November 1st, 2025) I started to notice there was some soft rabbit
poop in their hutch and litter trays… I sadly learnt through Pixie that this is
a bad sign for a rabbit because they’re meant to actually eat their soft poo to
digest their food twice. So, if you’re seeing it, it’s a sign of Gut Stasis or
something else that could affect their tummy and digestive system. However,
having two bunnies who were both absolutely fine in terms of still eating,
drinking, and running around; meant that I couldn’t pinpoint who was leaving
the poop.
This has been one of the elements to losing Gracie
which has caused me a lot of upset is the thought that if I’d only had the one,
I could have gotten them help sooner… And the thought worries me because I
don’t want to ever seem as though I resent any of my pets and I fear that this
type of thought is almost an inkling of doing that. It made me question the
decision to have gotten Gracie and left me thinking that she might still be
alive if she’d been the only rabbit.
To help with this thought, I try to focus on all
the positives that came with having Gracie. All the cuddles between her and
Luna. The two of them literally always being within eyesight of each other at
all times! But then this starts painful thoughts and feelings around the brutal
and sad reality around the idea of Luna no longer having that companionship…
On Halloween (October 31st), I noticed
that for at least over three or four hours, Gracie hadn’t moved from her
hunched up position (another sign of Gut Stasis because when the assume that
position it can mean that their tummy is painful or uncomfortable) on the
platform in their hutch, she hadn’t eaten any breakfast – but Luna had dived
straight in. Gracie also wouldn’t come when I called her name or when I put
food nearer to her, and Luna kept going up onto the platform and licking Gracie
and she just wasn’t budging or responding in any way.
So, I immediately rang the Vets and asked for an
appointment for her the following day (November 1st). In all
honesty, I’m one of those people who fully believes that you know your body
better than anyone and I feel that I get that sort of… gut feeling with
my pets too – I always seem to know when it’s going to go badly. I get a
feeling. So, with Gracie, yesterday… Well, I didn’t have a great feeling; I had
envisioned the Vet recommending she be put to sleep but actually, not
necessarily because she was that poorly right now. It was more that I was worried
they would have a similar attitude to that with Pixie because Gracie has actually
been on the cusp of Gut Stasis on one occasion last year (where the only thing
stopping the full diagnosis was that her temperature was still ok, and it’s
meant to drop with Stasis) and has had the full diagnosis only a few months
ago. So, I was concerned the Vet would say that a third episode meant it would
keep happening and that – similar to Pixie – that meant a poor quality of life.
So, I honestly had no visions of her dying through
the night. If I thought she was that close to it, I’d have rushed her to the
Vets when I rang them! But despite knowing that I’d have done differently, I
can’t help but kick myself for not realising in the first place. It worries me
that perhaps I didn’t have as good a bond with Gracie if I hadn’t been able to
tell just how poorly she was. However, the Vets have explained that with
rabbits naturally being pray animals, they tend to hide when they’re poorly for
as long as possible because they recognise that would make them weaker and more
vulnerable to predators.
On Saturday (November 1st) morning, I
heard scuffling under the bed and was so excited to think that maybe Gracie was
under there with Luna, and that she’d pulled through – when she went through
that last bout of Gut Stasis a few months ago, she made a quick turnaround
because as I said about the prey animal thing – this means that a rabbit shows
it’s either on death’s door or totally fine; they recover quickly… So, I wasn’t
being totally unrealistic picturing her under there. But it was Luna by herself.
So, then I went to the Kitchen and looked to the platform in the hutch, and she
wasn’t there either. I looked behind the washing machine because for two hours
before I’d gone to bed that night, Gracie had been tucked behind it. She wasn’t
there. I went to walk into the sitting room and there she was… Lying on her
side on the floor with her paws out-stretched as if she’d been mid-hop (that
positioning has led to the questioning as to whether the Gut Stasis had caused
something suddenly fatal like a seizure or heart attack – Gut Stasis itself can
be fatal within 24 – 48 hours).
Now, if you’ve ever seen a bunny lie down, you’ll
know they can flop rather dramatically – like, to the point of it looking like
they’ve literally just died. So, when I first saw Gracie lying like that, I
stood there for like a minute or two watching her side, desperately hoping to
see it rise up and down and to be able to breathe a sigh of relief and laugh at
myself for being so scared. But no, no breath. I bent down and felt her
freezing cold, stiff body, and finally, I knew…
I realised my phone was in my hand so I called my
Mum and just burst into hysterical tears that were so pronounced I could barely
get my words out or say anything my Mum could understand! When the words came out,
I felt myself struck with a sudden panic about what on earth I should do with
her… I mean, I didn’t want to bury her in my garden but then I didn’t know
whether the Vets could have your pet cremated – as they have for the last three
pets I’ve lost – if they hadn’t put it to sleep. So, I ended the call with my
Mum saying that she and my almost-Step Dad would come over as soon as they
could, and then I called the Vets. It was still early so I called the emergency
out-of-hours number and when she answered I just remember saying “ultimate
emergency: my rabbit is dead – is there anything I can do?” She asked me to
feel for a heartbeat and I almost threw up having to touch Gracie when she was
so cold. It just felt wrong.
When I tried to lift her paw to get to her chest,
her entire body moved and the girl on the phone said that meant she’d likely
been gone for some time and that there was nothing I could do. She said that I
could still take her to the Vets, and they could have her cremated though so
when my Vets were open, I called to say that I didn’t need the original
appointment, explained why, and checked I could bring her in. Whilst I waited
for my Mum and her partner to come, I found this blanket that I use when I sit outside
on the grass in my garden and whilst my bunnies are indoor only, I did used to
bring grass in every so often and Gracie loved it! So, I put that blanket over
her and asked my Mum to put her in a box I had from a recent delivery.
When we got in the
car, I rang the Vets again to ask if there was a room or somewhere else, I
could sit with her whilst waiting for the Vet so that I wasn’t just holding her
in the waiting room with everyone else there. And they had the sweetest
response: “we have a room ready for you.” They then also suggested that I ring
when we were in the carpark, and someone would come and let us in the backdoor
so that I didn’t even have to walk through the waiting room! But I didn’t mind
that bit so much if I knew I was going straight into a room, so walking into
the waiting room my eyes went straight to the desk because at the corner of my
vision I saw something flickering. On the reception desk, they had an electric
candle on with a sign saying that if the candle was lit then someone was losing
their best-friend and to be mindful of this. Then, the room: they had set up a
blanket on the side table and there was a form sitting on it that had ‘Gracie’
and ‘brown mini-Lionhead lop’ and ‘2 years’ on it. Then there were options for
me to tick the type of cremation I wanted and space to write in which sort of
urn I wanted for her and whether I wanted a hair clipping and/or paw print too.
The Vet Nurse came in
and quickly listened to Gracie’s chest to confirm her death and then showed me
the catalogue for the urns… I opted for the individual cremation and ticked
that I wanted her back, then I picked the same metal urn with pawprints on the
lid that each of two of my other pets are in, but in a gold-y brown
colour/design that I thought was more nicely matched to Gracie’s fur than the
slate colour the other two have. I also asked for the paw prints but no hair
clipping. The Nurse explained that they would take her paw prints and put them
in a condolence card and send it to me and then said that the cremation service
picks up any animals on a Wednesday so she’ll be collected on the 5th,
and I should get her back the following week. In all honesty, even standing
there, I was already looking forward to getting her back so that I could bring
her home again.
Since Then,…
So, it’s now the 3rd
of November and so I thought I’d just let you know how we’re all getting on…
1.
Luna (and Ruby)
In my opinion, the
most important one in all of this… In all honesty, a lot of my upset has been when
I’m thinking of Luna and how she might feel without her best-friend – her
soulmate – rather than how I’ll cope and how I feel with the loss. It almost
feels wrong to prioritise myself to be honest because I recognise just how
bonded and close the two of them were. It would kind of feel like I was taking
the attention away from the one who deserves it the most.
Now, I’ve been
incredibly surprised with Luna’s response to this… So, with how she was after
losing Emmy in mind, and recognising that she was a hell of a lot closer to
Gracie than she was Emmy, I was incredibly concerned. Like, worried she’d die
of heartbreak – that level of concern! But, she’s been ok and I think that the
largest reason for that, is Ruby (if you don’t know because I haven’t mentioned
her yet, Gracie and Luna were always in a different room together and I felt
lonely, so a few months after getting Gracie in 2023, I got my maine coon/rag
doll mix cat; Ruby to have a companion for myself!). When we lost Emmy, Luna
had no one else on her level. And so, she’s been following Ruby everywhere –
and vice versa actually! Like, I’ll be on the bed and Ruby will be on my lap
and Luna will be under the bed, and she’ll run out the bedroom and Ruby will
wake up and go running after her.
I think this is good
for Ruby too, actually. Because she was quite fond of Gracie – she was always
swiping her on the head – which some might think sounds the opposite of ‘fond’
but it was literally never in an aggressive way. In all honesty, I think that
if anything; it’s been her trying to get Gracie to play with her or pay her
attention in some way. She never really interacted with Luna that much, but I
also think that might be because everyone knows Luna’s in charge because she’s
the eldest and doesn’t stand for any messing around! There was once, actually,
where Ruby kept hitting Gracie on the head (her claws are never out so it’s
never going to really hurt her) and Luna just came charging out from behind the
TV unit and jumped in front of Gracie and then sort of hopped at Ruby with that
deep grunting noise rabbits make when they’re pissed off! Like she was
defending Gracie and standing up for her. Protecting her.
So, with that lack of
contact between Ruby and Luna, I think that’s why I hadn’t really thought about
the fact that at least they would still have each other after losing Gracie. And
having Ruby, has meant that Luna hasn’t actually behaved too much differently
to usual… Like, she’s coming when she’s called and – most importantly, I think
– she’s tucking straight into her meals! I thought that would be the first or
biggest thing to happen; I thought she’d go off her food. But I was saying to
my Recovery Worker from Waythrough today, I don’t think I’ll relax or get too
confident that she’s going to cope for a week or so maybe. I’m just so worried
that she hasn’t yet realised that Gracie really isn’t ever coming back. Now,
one thing working in favour of her having realised, is that this is the longest
they’ve been apart… Like they’d never even been separated overnight before so
it’s not as though they’ve been apart and that might mean Luna is thinking ‘she
came back eventually last time…’ Do you know what I mean? So, I’m not exactly
convinced things will change within one week, I just think that if she’s still
ok for that period of time; I’ll feel a bit more relaxed that she’s going to be
ok.
On the evening of the
day of losing Gracie, I picked Luna up and we had a really long hug and I
decided to film it but I cut the audio out because what I was saying to her –
this might sound stupid – but it felt private and special. Like it should be
between us. Anyway, towards the end of the video (which I’ll put below) you can
see that I start to really cry and she turns her head and tucks it under my
chin…
Another element in
losing Gracie which I think is different than when Emmy passed which might be
contributing to Luna managing better, is her age. She was really just over one
when Emmy died and she’s now over four years old. But, in all honesty,
regardless of how well she’s doing; whenever I see her sat by herself, it’s
like my heart aches for her. I just worry that in her head she’s wondering what
on earth is happening but the final element contributing, I think, is that she
saw Gracie dead. As awful as that is to think about, but it wasn’t like Emmy
where I took her to the Vets and came back empty-handed. And I’m a huge
believer that people massively underestimate how clever animals – particularly
rabbits – are and so I wonder if seeing Gracie has aided in Luna understanding
that she’s gone. Because I saw her nudge Gracie’s body numerous times as though
trying to wake her up so I know she had some sort of interaction and awareness.
2.
Me!
I’m painfully now
aware of that thing people say about how grief can sneak up on you… I was
sitting in Greggs waiting for my Recovery Worker when an emotional song (I
can’t, for the life of me, remember the name!) came on in the café and I just
started bawling my eyes out. The lady on the table next to me realised and
pulled her seat closer to me and held my hand while I cried and told her what
had happened.
I also spent Sunday
afternoon with my Mum and almost-Step Dad and he has a lovely dog called Meg
and when we were in the sitting area, every time I felt myself started to fill
up or think about Gracie a lot, she was coming over to me, sitting in front of
me, looking at me, and then putting her head on my knee to stroke her. But when
we were eating, I looked to her, and she was lying on her side on the floor
next to me but she was in the exact position I had found Gracie in and that
upset me quite a bit because it felt like a random and unexpected reminder that
I just hadn’t been prepared for.
Otherwise though, I’ve
been putting a lot of time, focus, and attention into my best-friend’s upcoming
(April 2026) Wedding (at which, I’ll be Maid of Honour) and ended up messaging
him to apologise for tagging him in so much wedding-related content on
Instagram! I explained to him that I was trying to focus on happy, positive
things and stay productive, so he understood and said he loved all the content
anyway!
Plus, Christmas is
literally RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER! So, I’ve been shopping for Christmas gifts
for my three best-friends and shopping for new decorations because I want to
change my colour scheme (to red, pink, and teal) this year for the Christmas
tree and house/room decorations too so I’ve been hunting out nice pieces for
that! I’ve also been looking for new stockings for myself and Ruby and have
decided to put Gracie’s with her ashes (when I have them) as well as this
little Christmas decoration I literally only bought about two weeks ago with
her name on it. It feels really wrong and incredibly sad to just throw them out…
The
Takeaway From This Post:
If you take one thing away from this blog post, I’d like it to be to spend as much time as you can with your pet – or multiple pets! Love them and be with them for as long as you have them. Because you don’t have them forever and the last thing you want is to lose them and think that you hadn’t spent enough time together. Believe me.