With this being the eve of Time To Talk Day 2019, I asked Peer Support Worker; Paul Nicol what he thought the benefits are of talking about mental health...
Quite a question to be asked. My trusty armour automatically
attaches to me, offering protection at first consideration. Like some sci-fi
character, I feel the chunks of metal bolt on to me as my first thought
is....... there is no benefit for me. That first thought is a response to the
shame I carry of mental health having influenced large chunks of my life. Why
would I tell anyone that I felt worthless, pathetic, weak and struggle to
survive the now, let alone consider a future? Why would I tell anyone that the
monkey on my back keeps me in a regretful past of underachievement; losing job
after job because I was just too lazy to get out of bed? Why would I tell
anyone that I self-medicated for years and found cannabis and alcohol gave me a
reason to continue and chemicals gave me a weekend party to look forward to?
I’m vulnerable enough, with all of this, why would I tell anyone about my
mental health?
My
ego takes over and the second thought is......... it benefits others. Sharing
my lived experience can offer something to other people. Sharing with people
the insight I have about living with tortuous suicidal thoughts, where the
reasons to complete life and the reasons not to, clashed and grappled
internally in such a way that I was exhausted for months on end. Sharing an
understanding helps a person, at the most isolated time in life. It can help
people start to consider that the world is not as lonely a place as it has felt
of late and that there are other people who know this dark, dark place. Sharing
how difficult it was to get some traction, to find some momentum, to get things
moving, in life’s landscape of challenge, after challenge, after challenge
which often becomes setback, after set back, after set back, in those early
stages of recovery. Sharing this difficulty of coping with life in the early
stages recovery, and constantly taking three steps forward and two steps, back
helps other people understand that this is not only a personal or individual
thing. Nor is it indicative of an inability to find a recovery path. Sharing
this aspect of recovery helps normalise the experience and offer hope. Sharing
bits of my timeline around mental health and recovery shares further hope.
Armour
off, ego appeased and eventually I accept the benefits of talking about mental
health as my third thought is ........ it benefits me too. At the risk of going
twee, now the armour is off....... talking about mental health and talking
about mental health and recovery as part of who I am, has enabled me to be the
most authentic version of me to date. To quickly qualify that statement and
borrow a fellow peers analogy, following every episode of mental health
difficulties, I would regenerate into a slightly different version of myself,
trying to find a way forward where I fitted in and the problems my mental
health had caused, could be left alone. This time around, becoming a Peer
Support Worker and taking that leap of Faith to become intrinsically linked
with mental health and my experience of it, I have a greater sense of
belonging. Of course, that sense of belonging ebbs and flows like most things
in recovery and I still carry that monkey on my back which wonders if this bad
day is indeed the start of an episode, rather than a blip or simply a bad day.
With the sense of belonging that comes with the authenticity, (yes I read
Brene Brown’s work) I have developed what I believe to be stronger, loving
relationships, where I can openly talk about how I feel with the people I love
and trust. One of the most ground breaking insights I gained to help me make a
sizeable shift in this area, occurred on a Wellness Recovery Action Plan
Educator Course. While looking at supporters. I eventually understood why key
people in my life, who were so supportive repeatedly, felt like they were
letting me down. I was asking them for something they were not able to offer.
Like asking lovely uncle Jim who will do anything for you except lend you
money, for a fiver. Asking a loved one who is a problem solver, skips
validation and goes straight for the solution to help me appreciate and
understand why I feel the way I do, after something which has just triggered
me, is only going to lead to frustration and disappointment. I eventually
understood why my needs were not being met. I was expecting people to be or do
something beyond who they are. Accepting the authenticity of the people around
me and understanding the bounds of their supportive roles helped me understand
which conversations to have with whom and when.
Keeping
the conversation alive with peers is like a perpetual recovery and well-being
tool kit, live exchange forum. Where talking about mental health leads to
conversations of how to manage the difficulties, where new skills and
techniques are swapped and shared, building a recovery capital for all involved
in the conversation. Talking about mental health and recovery helps me make
sense of my life to date. My understanding of those lived experiences evolves
as my insight evolves and as a peer described to me recently, that baggage
becomes so much easier to carry as I take items out of thin, splitting carrier
bags and place them into a large padded rucksack.
And
then there is stigma, the thought that pops into mind while considering all
which has been written before. Why do I feel shame around mental health ?
Stigma. My stigma, my friends, families and communities stigma of mental
health. Why would I armour up and ‘protect myself’ from conversations which
have helped the relationships in my life flourish? Stigma. The stigma the
awkwardness of telling a loved one or hearing from a loved one, just how low
one has reached, now or in the past.
Starting,
sharing and continuing the conversation about mental health is the way we beat
the illness, the stigma and the shame. Locked away in a darkened place, all of
these aspects grow. Out in the open, aired, seen, discussed, building a shared
understanding and retaining and developing connections, stigma, shame and
perhaps even aspects of mental health difficulties, shrink. As recovery is one
foot in front of the other, talking about mental health is one conversation
after another, evolving the conversation and spreading the benefits of staying connected.