I’d like to
think that even short-term readers will know by now that I try to keep things
original and creative on, I’m NOT Disordered. So rather than do a stereotypical/predictable
post about how fantastic my Mum is (which she obviously is!); I thought I’d team
up with Cats Protection again and bring you a post about advice I – as a cat
Mum – would give to others…
Where does
advice come from and why does it matter?
I think that advice can come from a mixture of reasons; it can be
about something you failed to do and wish you had, or something you did, and feel
was wrong, or something you’ve just learnt along the way… This piece of advice that
doing research and bettering your knowledge and understanding of what having a cat
will entail, comes from the fact that I definitely didn’t do it and that I wish
I had.
At first, I wondered whether the importance I put upon the research before getting a cat was more of a quality of my mental health and thought processes and feelings around that. I mean, I really don’t like the element of surprise with the massive things in my life and I think that really does stem from both the number of times that I was told I wouldn’t be hospitalised and then was, and the general unpredictable nature of my hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. It was like I couldn’t keep up. It was frustrating because how could I possibly win if I wasn’t aware when the war was starting?! I didn’t even stand a chance.
After thinking it was just me who thought of research, planning,
and preparation as really reassuring and helpful; I discovered Cats Protection
and the incredible content they produce to promote and encourage people to carefully
consider their decision to get a cat and to be more educated on important
aspects once you do have the cat. Then, all of a sudden, I wasn’t alone. I was
right!
Prepare and
be mindful of the practical bits
Fortunately, I got my first cat (Saffy) when I was younger and living
at home with my Mum, so it meant that I didn’t really need much education on what
to expect, how to look after a cat etc. A lot of that responsibility lay with
my Mum. However, I do remember us being unsure of a few simple things like how
long it takes for them to learn their name, and where the cat should be at night-time.
We also hadn’t thought about buying a carrier for her first trip to the Vets.
And whilst Saffy was so loved and well looked after, having her was definitely a
learning curve.
Cats Protection offer so much
advice and information on the practical aspects to owning a cat:
Cat collars: Choosing
a Cat Collar - Which collar is Best? | Cats Protection
Cat carriers: Choosing
& using | Cat carrier training | Cats Protection
Diet: Cat Diet - Help and Advice
Caring for Your Cat | Cats Protection
Neutering & vaccinations: Neutering
and vaccinations | Cat care advice | Cats Protection
Poisonous flowers & plants: What
flowers are safe for cats for Mother's Day?
Know why you
want a cat
After being in a psychiatric hospital for two and a half years, I
was discharged to my own home and because Saffy stayed with my Mum, I instantly
wanted/needed a kitten to keep me company. At the time, I honestly didn’t put a
whole lot of thought into it because it just felt like such a natural decision
that was almost destined to happen. I mean, from the minute they started
talking about discharging me around seven or eight months before I was, my Mum
thought for me to buy a cat collar to keep in my hospital room to remind me of
my recovery goal (to have my own home with my own cat). That thought kept me
motivated to engage in therapy and cooperate with the hospital staff and the
medication they prescribed.
Cats Protection provide advice and
information for getting a kitten: Buying
a cat? Adopt from Cats Protection | Cats Protection
They also have this more general
article on owning a cat: Quick
Guide to Owning a Cat - Help & Advice | Cats Protection
Respect your
responsibility
One thing which I wish I had thought about more in getting Dolly,
were the pros and cons of having a Maine Coon. Saffy had been a domestic short hair,
so I had no real experience of fur care! I didn’t know she might need frequent
brushing and hadn’t thought about her fur ending up being all over the house. And
whilst knowing this absolutely wouldn’t have deterred me from buying Dolly, I’d
like to have been better prepared. To have had a more solid idea of what to
expect. Because this time, she was completely my responsibility, and after
years of not taking responsibility for anything, it’s something that I don’t take
lightly. I mean, having spent all of that time ignoring responsibility and hating
consequences, it felt like a true testament to my mental health recovery to be
able to say that I was capable of safely taking complete responsibility for this
fluffy, little life. So, to realise that there was something (the research of
Maine Coon’s) that I hadn’t done, left me feeling a bit sceptical of my
capabilities and wondering whether I had failed already.
Cats Protection talk about the five
welfare needs of a cat and how you can take responsibility for providing them: Your
Responsibility to Your Cat - What You Need to Provide (cats.org.uk)
Trust your
instincts
That worry about failure became even more intense and overwhelming
when there was a huge miscommunication, and the Police caved my door in when
Dolly was alone in the house and only a few months old. I can’t even imagine
how scared and lonely she must have felt with all those loud noises and the
huge boots belonging to a number of complete strangers who were stomping all
over her territory, completely uninvited and without me to provide her with reassurance
and comfort. To be honest, it kind of breaks my heart even just to think about
it.
That sadness and heartbreak, though, proved to provide me with a
strong ability and dedication to watching Dolly closely and acting on the
massive changes I noticed to her behaviour. My lovely little fluffy kitten
became this hugely aggressive cat who would scratch and bite anyone/everyone
who came into the house. They didn’t even have to touch her; she’d just come
over and attack them! So, I paid for a Behaviour Therapist from my Vets to come
to the house and assess her. When the Therapist saw Dolly sitting on the
windowsill watching the birds out the front of the house but noticed that even
though she was doing something deemed as pleasurable, her tail was twitching (a
sign that a cat is annoyed). She explained that it was an illustration that
Dolly was never relaxing. Never not anxious. Never calm. She was always on the
alert and ready to defend herself.
I think that whilst anyone would be saddened and upset to hear
something like that, I was particularly distressed because I felt as though I had
an inkling of how Dolly was feeling. I felt as though I’d spent years always on
the go. Either literally because I kept running away and self-harming, or psychologically
because I seemed to just be constantly waiting for the hallucinations to come
back; terrified of what they were going to do and say this time. Having that level
and quality of empathy meant that when the Therapist made recommendations, I
tried all of them and put so much time and effort into helping Dolly because I
didn’t want her to have to go through another minute of feeling that way. But, unfortunately,
none of the advice worked and one night she scratched me for the first time,
and it drew blood. I called the Vets and they said that she should go on
medication because if she didn’t, and I said I didn’t want her, she’d be
euthanised because her aggression meant that they couldn’t rehome her.
So, even though the mild sedating medication was costly, I wasn’t
ready to give up on her. The way I looked at it was that she’d been through a
trauma and just like the one I experienced, it had the potential to end her
life. And just like my loved ones felt about me, I wasn’t prepared to let that
happen to Dolly. So, I paid for the medication and even though it took a year
to get her better and back off the medication, her recovery was worth every
penny.
Cats Protection have an excellent
piece about stress in cats: Spotting Signs
of Cat Stress - How to Care | Cats Protection
Don’t feel like a failure if they get poorly
As it turned out though, I didn’t feel like a good Mum for very
long, because then Saffy was put to sleep. My Mum had noticed she was breathing
differently and when she took her to the Vets on Boxing Day 2016, it turned out
she had fluid on her lungs which, after being drained, was found to be covering
a huge tumour attached to her major organs. Thankfully, the Vet explained that
actually – even though there was nothing they could do for her – my Mum had
caught it a whole lot more quickly than other owners who seemed to not notice
anything until their pet was in pain. So, I’d like to think that mitigated any
of her thoughts that she’d missed any symptoms and could have saved Saffy.
My thoughts of failure, stemmed from me not having a clue of what
difficulty breathing in a cat could be a sign of, and when the Vet gave her
diagnosis, I asked so many questions in a desperate attempt to understand
something I felt that even though it was so important, I had a hugely insignificant
knowledge of it. And that felt like a failure. To know nothing about something
that could take the life of a best friend. Of a family member.
Cats Protection have an entire, thorough
section about managing and maintaining the health of your cat: Cat Health - Help and
Advice for Care | Cats Protection
They also have advice for getting
insurance for your cat: Pet
insurance for cats | choosing cat insurance | Cats Protection
Balance
your heart and your head
Another instance of research I needed to do and didn’t exactly do(!),
was when I decided to add a bunny (Pixie) to my home with Dolly in 2017. In
fairness, I did seek guidance from the Vets and pet store about introducing the
two of them to each other; it was just that I didn’t exactly follow their advice!
And whilst I can’t and wouldn’t recommend ignoring the advice of professionals,
I think it’s important to recognise instances where you may feel that you know
your cat better than anyone and wholeheartedly believe something other than
what a professional is saying, would be beneficial (in whatever way) for your
cat. The essential aspect of this, is that you ensure your head, and your heart
are recognised and balanced. That you aren’t thinking unreasonably and that in
no way, are you risking a decision that has the potential to harm your cat in
any way.
So, in my instance, I believed that with Dolly having come through
her trauma and being off her medication, she was so much stronger and more confident
that I felt it unlikely that she would become stressed or upset in anyway if I
weren’t to introduce her to Pixie in a gradual way (as was advised). If I had
thought there was even a remote possibility that it would distress her, I would
have followed the guidance of professionals. I mean, the things they
recommended weren’t very easy to do in a practical sense, but of course I’d
have made changes (no matter how drastic) to make it possible if I’d believed
it was the only way Dolly would be ok with Pixie.
Fortunately, I was right about the situation and Dolly and Pixie
bonded immediately and were pretty much best friends by the end of that first
day of them together! I think it helped that Pixie was only little because it
meant that Dolly wasn’t really intimidated by her, and that Pixie was growing
up with a cat around her, so she didn’t really know any different.
Something I would really like to say here though, is that if you
100% believe your cat will react in a particular way, and then they don’t…
Please don’t feel like you’ve failed them in any way, and don’t start to doubt
your relationship and bond in wondering whether you actually know them well at
all. Everyone can sometimes get it wrong with their loved ones. I mean, you
might think your best friend is ok but actually, they’re really struggling. Or
you might think your child needs to see a Doctor, but when they do, it turns
out they’re not actually all that poorly. I think that as long as you do everything
with the belief that it’s for the best and with the best intentions… That’s the
important thing.
Cats Protection have a ton of brilliant
advice for introducing a cat to other pets, other people, and children etc.: Cats and
Your Family - Help and Advice | Cats Protection
Know when to
let go
Pixie and Dolly’s bond didn’t become a negative thing until Dolly
became poorly in October 2018. For about a week, I was pretty much backwards
and forwards to the Vets with Dolly. They would do some tests, keep her in,
send her home, she’d get worse, so I’d take her back in… Whilst a lot of my
attention was obviously on her and the instinctual feeling that this wasn’t
going to end well; I felt so sorry for Pixie too. I mean, I felt dizzy from it
all, so I couldn’t even imagine how Pixie felt, having her best friend home,
wanting to play with her, and then her going away for a while, and then coming
back… It’s one of the very few frustrations I have with my pets – you can’t
explain things to them and check to see how much or how little of it, they understand.
The other thing made harder by their bond was that when it came
time to make the decision as to whether the Vet tried one more treatment which
he warned could cause her pain and stress and might not even work, or I finally
let her go. I was all too aware that I wasn’t just making the decision for
myself. I wasn’t the only one who was going to suffer if I agreed to end Dolly’s
distress… I mean, it was kind of like if I’d had a boyfriend or something – I would
have regarded their thoughts and feelings on my decision with as much gravity
and importance as I regarded Pixie’s. It was almost physically painful to know
that if I let Dolly go, I’d be going home to Pixie completely empty handed… And
I was even more saddened with the fact that once again, she actually might not
really understand what’s happened.
But, of course, Dolly was the priority in that situation and there
was no way I was going to be the one who caused her any more suffering just
because I was terrified of the heartache, I knew Pixie and I would experience. Dolly’s
pain had to matter the most. So, with all our wonderful memories – with the
fact she’d been my recovery goal for so long, with the knowledge that I’d really
helped her after the trauma, and the thoughts of all the lovely, fun times she’d
had with Pixie – I held onto her paw whilst the Vet put her to sleep. He hadn’t
even finished administering the injection when she passed away though, and he
explained that illustrated just how close to death she’d been and that it meant
I’d done the right thing. Made the right call. But I couldn’t feel relieved or
comforted for too long because before I knew it, I was walking into my home to
a lonely, quiet Pixie.
I was surprised that Pixie wasn’t as confused as I thought she’d
be when I came home empty handed; it was as though she knew her best friend had
gone. So, as I opened the door she came hopping towards me and then began
circling my legs until I sat down on the floor, and she jumped onto my lap as I
started to cry.
Cats Protection have some helpful
supportive advice around making the decision: When
to Let Go Of Your Cat - Help & Advice | Cats Protection
They also have a piece on the
euthanasia process: Putting
a Cat Down - Advice On Euthanasia | Cats Protection
As well as advice on coping with the
loss: Losing
a cat - Coping with Bereavement | Cats Protection
And their own free, confidential support
service: Paws to Listen, which you can call on 0800 024 9494 (Monday to Friday,
9am – 5pm)
Don’t be pressured
into adopting and not ‘shopping’
Six days after losing Dolly, I found myself looking for a kitten
on the website I’d used to find/buy Dolly. So many people thought it ‘too early’
for me to even be considering getting another cat so soon after losing Dolly… But
I was the one who was living in this house that was suddenly so quiet and just so
completely different because it never felt ‘full’; no matter how many times Pixie
and I cuddled and soothed and comforted each other. As much as we loved each
other – and it was A LOT(!) – we weren’t meant to be a family of two. This
house wasn’t meant for two. And so, Emmy made the house a home when became the
third member of the family.
Whilst I was desperately searching this website for a kitten, my Mum
spotted Emmy, on an Adoption Centre’s Facebook page and I couldn’t believe I
hadn’t thought to find a kitten in that way… I mean, my Mum had adopted Millie from
a rescue centre after losing Saffy, but it didn’t occur to me to try doing it
that way. And after seeing Emmy’s little calico face and hearing her rescue
story of being abandoned on the streets at just a few weeks old, I very deeply
began to feel like she was just the perfect match to be the missing piece of
our little family. It was really humbling to hear she’d gone through such a
rough start and was now safe, healthy, and happy. She’s like a little inspiration
for me. For my mental health.
When I was talking to the staff of the Adoption Centre, I got Emmy
from, they made a few comments that were basically very judging and
stigmatising of people who ‘buy’ their pets from private sellers. I like to
think that even if you’re a new reader, you’ll already think of me as honest
and truthful; so, it shouldn’t be a surprise to say that I spoke up. I mean, I
couldn’t just sit back and let them continue to believe and assume that I had
never ‘purchased’ a pet; because, whilst it felt so amazing to hear Emmy’s
story and know how lucky she was to have made it; I had absolutely no regrets
on how I’d gone about getting Dolly. And Pixie! I think that rather than
concentrating on where you got the pet, the important thing should be that you’re
giving them a loving, safe, and happy home.
Cats Protection have some articles
on adopting a cat and what the process is:
Adopting
a Cat - What You Need to Know | Cats Protection
Then they also have a piece about
buying a kitten online:
Buying
a kitten online during COVID-19 | Cats Protection
Don’t make
comparisons
When I brought Emmy home on October 22nd, my first
thought was ‘how do I introduce her to Pixie?’ In all honesty, the Adoption
Centre had actually said they didn’t think that the two of them would ever be
able to meet because of Emmy’s traumatic start they didn’t want to risk causing
her more distress. But, once again, I found balance in my heart and head and whilst
I had only just met Emmy, I knew Pixie so well that I was 100% sure she needed
Emmy in her life. And I knew she would find Emmy’s presence comforting,
reassuring, and stabilising. This confidence meant that in so far as
considering Emmy in the introduction process/decisions, I knew Pixie wouldn’t
hurt or scare her and I thought those the two most important aspects to their first
meeting.
From the beginning of getting Emmy though, I was very aware of an
almost natural inclination to compare her to Dolly. I found myself thinking
either ‘if she doesn’t like Pixie as much as Dolly did, shall I still keep her?’
or ‘if Pixie doesn’t like her as much as she liked Dolly, do I still keep Emmy?’
I think it’s incredibly easy to fall into this trail of thought
though where you’re adding a pet to the family after another has died. But the
most helpful thought (for me) to cope with these comparisons was to remember
that Emmy wasn’t a replacement. She wasn’t Dolly 2.0! She’s Emmy. She’s a whole
different cat. And whilst this thought definitely helped in reducing me
comparing her to Dolly, it was also kind of scary and intimidating to think
that I had a whole new cat who I needed to get to know and be able to
understand. With Dolly, the connection was so solid and bright that I felt I
could predict her every move. Like, I knew what she wanted and when she wanted
it. And Emmy? Well, I was just getting started.
Cats Protection have a brilliant,
useful page about all the ‘common’ and ‘typical’ aspects to cats which can be really
educational in whether you need to get help for your cat: Cat Behaviour -
Help and Advice Caring For Your Cat (cats.org.uk)
Don’t give up
on them
This one is actually really similar to something Mums of humans(!)
experience… Emmy isn’t fully litter trained! At four years old, she’ll still only
wee in her litter tray and do her poops outside of it. And when I say I’ve
tried everything to teach her to poop in her litter tray, I mean EVERYTHING! The
advice I’ve acted on has varied from putting the poop from the floor into the
litter tray (she just started weeing outside of the tray!) to putting soil in
the tray in case her being on the streets at a few weeks old had meant she was
used to that texture when she went to the toilet (no change!)!
When I was talking to someone with two cats about this, she said
she couldn’t believe I’d put up with it for four years now, she said she would’ve
taken them back to the Adoption Centre by now! But I think this is one of those
situations where the person in it (me) can’t understand the thought process of
others, and the others looking in, don’t/can’t understand my thoughts and
feelings on it. And it should just become a mutual agreement that I’m the one
in it, and my decision is to keep my little Emmy and to not moan every morning
when I have to clean poop up off my wooden floor (not having carpet is
definitely helpful!).
In the grand scheme of things, the way I see it, as that all this
situation costs me is five minutes of my time, a few sprays of air freshener,
and some cleaning wipes! And the benefits I get from having Emmy in my life and
in my home? Insurmountable.
And that benefit from the belief that there is nothing that could
change my love for Emmy, was massively validated when Pixie was put to sleep in
April 2021. In the same way that my relationship with Pixie has grown when we
lost Dolly, my bond with Emmy was really cemented after losing Pixie. I mean, I
felt like I had no one else to turn to – of course my Mum and my friends and
everyone were incredibly kind and supportive… But unless they’d lived with
Pixie 24/7 for the four years I had and the three years Emmy had, they couldn’t
possibly understand what had happened to me, Emmy, and our home. You know they
say that thing about footprints on your heart? Pixie had pretty big feet!
And whilst this doesn’t mean I loved Dolly less because I got Emmy
so soon after losing her, it took a good few months for me to feel able to add
a bunny back into our home/family. I mean, I really enjoyed those months
getting to know Emmy even better and finding a real groove for the two of us to
live as a family of two… But when Emmy continued to scratch at the door to the
room I’d kept the sawdust and hay in to the point where I invested in Feliway,
and that she would get really distressed and confused going from room to room
if you just said Pixie’s name… Well, I realised that neither of us could do
this without a bunny by our side. And so, our little mini-Lionhead lop, Luna,
joined us.
Cats Protection have some specific
advice about toileting for cats: Cats and
Toileting - Help & Advice on Cat Care | Cats Protection
Know you’ll need
to advocate for them
As I mentioned before, one of the very
few frustrating things I see in having a pet is that they can’t talk and there
can be validity in questioning the authenticity of their real understanding of some
things/situations. That frustration comes in feeling completely unable/uncapable
of either being able to explain what is happening, or fully understand how they’re
feeling. To tackle my frustration I try to remind myself that it’s my job to represent
them. I have to be their advocate now because I’m the closest person to them.
To understanding and simply knowing them. You know? Like, you can take your cat
to the Vets and they’ll say, “well they’ve only been off their food one day”
and you’re like “yes, but that’s totally not like them! Something has to be
wrong for that to happen!” The Vet might be specifically qualified, but in that
situation; who really knows the pet best?
This responsibility I’ve taken on
in having my pets has actually been massively therapeutic for me/my mental
health too! I mean there were literally years where I felt I was either being
silenced by the Mental Health Act or dismissed under the Mental Capacity Act! There
are so many dangers or risks in sectioning someone, but one of the biggest that
I experienced regarding this, was that once I had been, anything and everything
I did or said was perceived as being some sort of ‘symptom.’ A ‘symptom’ that
warranted some kind of response. Rather than being listened to and validated, I
was prescribed more medication or my leave from the psychiatric hospital was
cancelled. Feeling as though I had no real advocate myself for so long, really
helps me to imagine my pets needs and the importance of me speaking up and
acting upon their behalf.
Cats Protection have a piece about
cats and the law: Cat
laws | Animal Welfare Act | Cats Protection
They also have an article on neglect
and cruelty: Protecting
Cats from Cruelty and Neglect | Cats Protection
Enjoy and
photograph every single second with them!
See more pics and videos on my pets Instagram:
Emmy and
Luna (@big.pawslittle.paws) • Instagram photos and videos