I
found a strength I've never known
I've been thrown out, I've been burned
When
I'm finished, they won't even know your name
You
brought the flames, and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
Ke$ha
– Praying
On May 2nd, I had to attend an appointment with Gynaecology to discuss having my smear under a general anaesthetic. I decided to film the day for two reasons: the first, was to provide empathy and advice to other survivors and those in a similar situation. The second reason was to give insight to those who judge people for not having this procedure. My general message from this? Don’t judge a person’s journey, when you haven’t walked in their shoes. In case there are people out there who are interested in this experience and don’t want to or can’t watch videos, I thought I would write a quick blog post about it too and managed to get a collaboration with Amazon UK for it! At the end, however, I’ve still also inserted the entire vlog from YouTube…
For
those who might be new to I’m NOT Disordered, I thought I’d do a little
introduction to why I’ve requested a general anaesthetic in the first place…
So, when I was 15, I began being sexually abused by a person in a position of
power and who massively manipulated the trust and respect that a lot of people
– including my loved ones – held for him. The abuse went on for six months and
during that, there was one occasion of rape. It came to an end on April 20th,
2007, when I managed to fight him off and he chased me through the building,
arguing the whole way. Eventually, I yelled the comment “think of your wife and
children” and his employer (whose office was nearby) overheard and asked me
what gave me the right to speak to my abuser like that. And after six months of
absolute hell, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I just
blurted the entire thing out in the middle of the corridor! His employer called
me a “manipulative liar” and promptly demanded that I leave the building and
not return.
As a
result of this traumatic experience, I have always found anything gynae related
extremely difficult, and this has been extremely challenging because I was
actually diagnosed with Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) in 2009, so I’ve had
a lot of interaction with the department! Fortunately, despite advising that
they do it numerous times, I’ve always managed to not have a speculum
examination be essential to my care, so I’ve never even had one of those. When
my PCOS has been at its most extreme, I’ve actually needed surgery. And I
wonder if this lack of experience with smaller gynae procedures has added to my
anxiety and struggle in having my smear because it’s not as though I’ve been
able to like, ease into it by having less traumatic and less difficult tests
first. I think that it’d be like gradual exposure.
So,
when my first smear came through not long after I turned 25 (the age in the UK
that you begin being invited for them) I didn’t do anything about it… Until
2021, when I had some unexplained bleeding and gynae recommended I really have
it done and told me that general anaesthetic was actually an option for those
with traumas like my own. In my first smear (which I also blogged about with a
similar angle: COME ALONG WITH ME TO MY FIRST
SMEAR | HAVING A SMEAR AFTER RAPE & ABUSE | I'm NOT Disordered), the Gynaecologist said that
typically, they do this one test and if something is wrong then they have to do
another, so she did both whilst I was under the anaesthetic and I really
appreciated the thoughtfulness that went into her idea to do that.
That
helpful experience meant that when the reminder came through to book my second
smear, I contacted gynae to ask if it could be under the general anaesthetic
again, but they said that because it had been over two years, I was no longer
counted as being under their service and needed to be referred back to them again
by my GP…
Now,
like many GP Practices in the UK right now, it’s extremely difficult to get an
appointment at the Practice I’ve been registered with for a couple of years
now. The reason I’ve only been with this one for a couple of years when I’ve
been out of the psychiatric hospital for over ten years, is because around
eight weeks after I broke my Ulna and Radius in 2022 after a seizure led to me
falling down a flight of stairs, I was still in agony and still had reduced
movement. The GP Practice I was with accused me of becoming addicted to the
painkillers I’d been put on when I first broke it, but I knew there was
something wrong. I had to argue with them to persuade them to finally put in a
referral to Orthopaedics and at my first appointment I had an x-ray which
showed that not only had the plate they’d put in the Radius been put too high
up and was rubbing off the bones in my hand, but also that the Ulna was still
completely broken!
I – and
my mental health – really thrive from feeling that my thoughts, feelings, and
experiences are validated by others. This isn’t always healthy because
sometimes, it really shouldn’t matter what other people think; but I care –
especially what my loved ones think – and so, when I received the validation
from Orthopaedics/my x-ray, it massively helped me and obviously, in turn, my
mental health too. It also made me recognise that I deserved to be treated
better than I was from my GP and so I made the decision to switch to another
practice in my hometown. Despite the fact that I believed my care would
improve, the decision was still difficult for two reasons:
1.
I
had been with my GP practice for around eight years and so, even though it was
becoming negative, I had built a bit of a rapport with some of the Doctors
there and I worried I wouldn’t be able to do that at the new practice.
2.
I
knew it would be a bit of an upheaval in completing the necessary
forms/paperwork, having to have a first appointment with them, updating the
name of my GP with the organisations it was relevant to, and making sure they
prescribed my medication.
Since joining
this GP practice, I’ve actually not had too many problems in getting
appointments; but I think that’s likely because I only ever go when I really
need to and it’s for something medically important. With this request for the
Gynae referral though, I didn’t want to take up an appointment just to ask
that, so I ended up submitting an e-consult. I’m unsure if my GP practice is
the only one with these services, so in case yours doesn’t: it’s basically an
online system where you’re asked a series of questions and a couple of these
aren’t multi-choice; they’re boxes so you can write a lengthy amount of
information about your reason for submitting the e-consult. Despite there being
quite a few questions and some which really aren’t applicable to your reason for
contacting them, it actually doesn’t take too long to complete and the typical
time for a GP to respond is just a few working days.
Unfortunately,
my GP’s initial response wasn’t good, and I have decided to put word-for-word
what the response was in order to avoid anyone thinking I have para-phrased
things and have been unfair in selecting only particular parts of it…
‘Having
a general anaesthetic carries a considerable risk of serious harm which is
difficult to justify for the purposes of taking a smear. Please carefully
consider whether you would be prepared to try to get this done at the surgery
without anaesthesia and sedation. We can try to make reasonable adjustments
such as ensuring a female professional takes the smear, providing extra time
for the procedures, and allowing you to have someone to attend with you to
provide extra support – we could also consider bringing you in a week before
for a ‘dry run’ where you can chat to the smear taker and talk through what
will be involved and your concerns.
I
have every confidence that you can face down and overcome your fears in order
to get this done without needing an anaesthetic.
I
would only consider writing to the hospital if we have at least one failed
attempt first with doing a smear in surgery.’
The
first specific bit of the response which I struggled with was the comment about
finding it ‘difficult’ to ‘justify’ using a general anaesthetic for the
‘purposes of taking a smear.’ I’d think to think it’s actually fairly obvious
and understandable why it would have a negative impact and that is a
challenging thought because it makes me wonder how he didn’t think it would do
that too. And the upset and negativity are all about feeling that the fact he’s
known my thoughts, feelings, and the experiences of rape and abuse, it isn’t
‘enough’ to justify doing something that I would find helpful. Like those six
months of sheer trauma and those years of being suicidal and self-harming, don’t
mean I deserve what I was asking for.
In all
honesty, sometimes this (feeling worthy) is a feeling I struggle with anyway,
and it’s something my blogging massively helps with because enjoying creating
content, and then seeing it help others, makes my horrible experiences
worthwhile. It gives them a point. A purpose. Like, ‘that’s why that happened.’
It wasn’t all meant to destroy me – to kill me. It was intended to make me
stronger and to give me the ability to help others and on really good days – especially
now I’m finally in recovery – I actually feel glad that I went through what I
did. Because of all the amazing, positive, productive, exciting opportunities
and just generally good things to have come from it.
I also
really struggled with the remark around being confident I could ‘face down and
overcome’ my ‘fears’ to ‘get this done.’ Like I said, I recognise there was no
bad intentions in these comments, but this bit was kind of hard to not be upset
over whether there was spitefulness or not. Like, the background to it was
totally unimportant or just not enough to counteract how difficult and
upsetting it was. Actually, another thing to note here is that I also recognise
that this negative impact this had for me, was a lot about what the comments
meant to be and how I sort interpreted them or felt about them. Again, it
wasn’t as though he intended for me to respond in that way, nor – I’m sure –
did he intend for the comments to have this meaning to me. However, if you’re
unsure why this part of the response around fear etc. was so hard…
1.
I
would never label rape and abuse making me struggle to have a smear as a
‘fear.’ Now, that’s not to say that fears are insignificant in any way at all,
because I’ve actually seen people with fears of heights and vomit etc have
their lives fully turned upside down and having to go to really inconvenient lengths
for avoiding those things. In my situation, however, I don’t think it’s the
right word to use at all. I mean, even fundamentally in the thought that it’s
definition just doesn’t match or apply to my thoughts, feelings, and
experiences here.
2.
That
same sentence and comments about overcoming things, has also led to feelings of
weakness and failure. And it actually wasn’t even totally about generally
feeling like I’d failed in life; it was feeling like I’d failed him. A GP who I
didn’t even know that well because we’d only met a handful of times! But still,
it’s one of those situations where when something has happened a few times, if
it happens again, it’s like… Just piled on top of what’s already there. So,
feeling I’d failed him made me think: ‘add him to the list!’ There have been so
many people – who have played all different roles in my life – over the years
who I feel I have let down, failed, or disappointed, and so a GP now? In a way,
that made me think: ‘why be so bothered?’ Like, who is he compared to the
other, very important people in my life who I’ve failed, but whose
disappointment I have coped with and moved on from?
Now,
I’m fully aware that some might say the GP’s response was actually quite
reasonable and, in a way, I would be in agreement. I would especially agree
that it was all written in a very careful and non-confrontational or spiteful
way. I felt there were no cruel or negative intentions to it, and that actually
meant that it made it more difficult to speak up against it and express why I
disagreed/wasn’t willing to do the ‘dry run.’ Ultimately, however, I recognised
the importance of having my smear and that was especially because of my history
of the PCOS and needing two surgeries on my ovaries (one to drain a cyst which
had kept growing, and one to drain the fluid from a burst cyst which hadn’t
drained by itself). And so, with that in mind, I decided to call the GP (as
there wasn’t a reply function on his e-consult response) and asked them to pass
on a message that I was prepared to take the risk of the anaesthetic and that
there was absolutely no way I would be willing or able to do a dry-run.
I
decided not to mention my upset and disagreement with those bits in the
response because I worried that doing so might be – or seem to others to be – argumentative
and confrontational. I was also concerned that having that attitude and saying
those things, would make the GP even more reluctant to go ahead with the
referral. Like, would I deserve for him to change his mind if I was causing
drama on the phone?! Of course, that would be a very unprofessional response
and so I’m not too convinced it would happen, it was more just one of those
things where you can be concerned that it might happen – despite how
unrealistic it could be.
Around
a fortnight after the reception staff said they would pass the message on, I
received this:
‘Thank
you for getting back in touch with the surgery following my previous response
to your e-consult. I have discussed your case with Dr ______ who is our Women’s
Health Lead. She has recommended we proceed with a referral to Gynaecology at
____________ which I have done. A final decision on whether they are happy to
proceed with your smear under a general anaesthesia will rest with them.’
From
this message, I had one huge thought: ‘why the hell did he put me through that
first response, when all he had to do was ask an expert and it would influence/inspire
a completely opposite decision?!’ Why on earth didn’t he ask that Doctor first?
Like, that role of hers (Women’s Health Lead) surely, makes her a very obvious
person to go to in a situation like this! I mean, the only excuse I can sort of
think of, would be that he was so sure that his opinion and response was
correct and justified, that he didn’t think it necessary or relevant to ask
anyone else. I just can’t believe that he would have felt like he could truly
empathise with things and understand my position, and if you feel out of your
depth and unable to appreciate another person’s experiences, then surely a good
first step; is to ask someone who might be able to do those things…?
As much
as I wanted to speak about this and voice those thoughts to the GP, I made the
decision not to. Now, I actually wrote a blog post a little while ago about
disputes (you can read it here) and in it, there’s a little
section where I talked about choosing your battles and listed the five
questions which I ask myself in order to determine whether I should speak up
about something. Voicing your thoughts and feelings about an injustice seems
like an obvious good and productive move you should make, but it’s not always
appropriate or helpful. In that previous blog post, I talked about considering
the response you’re hoping to receive if you were to raise a complaint and, in
this situation, I felt it pointless speaking up when I had received the
response I wanted. I recognised that voicing anything now, wouldn’t have a
whole ton of rationale because I’d finally gotten what I wanted. It would
literally be about trying to ensure it doesn’t happen to others but then, also
in that blog post, I talked a lot about making sure that there is a worth
within a dispute; that it’s important to be able to feel that no matter what
response you receive from doing so, you’ll be glad that you spoke up. In this
situation and mentioning that a complaint might help others, the risk that it
might make no difference at all, felt more powerful and made me thinking about
the next bit; that it’s not just about how the other person/people/organisation
directly responds, as I said in the blog post, it’s also about a response in
terms of what process will you have to go through to register any kind of
complaint. So, I considered that in this situation too and upon weighing
everything up, I decided to leave the issue with the referral being done.
Finally,
whilst I’m on the topic of this blog post, at the end of it, there’s a few
links to help you determine your rights because I think that having that
knowledge will provide information and encouragement to make your decision to
speak up. The links, however, were largely to do with being sectioned under the
1983 Mental Health Act or the 2005 Capacity Act, and so I’ve hunted out some
more relevant ones to knowing you rights in community care e.g. that which is
provided by your GP or outpatient care…
To know
how to provide feedback or make a complaint against NHS Services (including GP
Practices):
NHS England » Feedback and
complaints about NHS services
A way
to find the contact details for your local Patient Advice and Liaison Service
(PALS) who can offer support and aid in raising concerns (but not formal
complaints):
Find patient advice and liaison
services (PALS) - NHS
The
principles and values of the NHS and how to make complaints is also on gov.uk:
NHS Constitution for England -
GOV.UK
For
complaints around Social Care, you can take your complaint to the Local
Government Ombudsman who is independent of your local authorities and
healthcare providers:
Information
on complaining about the use of the 1983 Mental Health Act is on the CQC
website:
https://www.cqc.org.uk/contact-us/how-complain/complain-about-use-mental-health-act
To find
your local Independent Statutory Body who will ensure your feedback is listened
to:
https://www.healthwatch.co.uk/your-local-healthwatch/list
The
Family and Friends Test (FFT) is a quick way to provide anonymous feedback
about NHS services:
https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/about-the-nhs/friends-and-family-test-fft/
The
next challenge in this entire process, was then being patient whilst the
Gynaecology department worked their way through the referrals they received to
prioritise and triage each of them. Doing this, is what determines the speed at
which you receive an appointment, an assessment, or a procedure – obviously depending
upon what your referral is regarding/requesting because initially, everything
will pretty much go in the same ‘pile!’ So, my referral went through in the
second week of November 2024, and my appointment wasn’t until May 1st,
2025! The NHS app actually alerted me in January to call Gynae because their
wait time was actually listed as twelve weeks and so I got worried I’d been forgotten,
or that they had decided not to see me and just hadn’t let me, or my GP know. With
that concern in mind, I made a phone call to Gynae, and they told me that my
referral had been triaged and accepted and that they were literally just
waiting for an appointment to come up. I asked if she roughly, knew how much
longer it’d be, and she said “no” and I almost thought ‘why did I bother
ringing?’ but then I realised that at least I knew it was accepted, and they
were going to see me at some point.
In the
almost five months it took to receive an appointment (but six until the actual
appointment) I had two massive challenges:
1.
The
first was that despite it being my GP surgery who had made the actual referral,
I continued to receive letters from the NHS and texts and messages from my GP
surgery telling me that my smear was overdue and to book it asap. The first
instance it happened I thought perhaps it was just taking some time to register
the referral. The second time, I hadn’t received the appointment so I wondered
if the reminders would continue until then… But they persisted – even after
receiving the appointment. So, I ended up ringing my GP to point out that
they’d made the referral and that I had actually requested it as soon as I
received the notification that the smear was due, so it really wasn’t my fault
or responsibility that it was taking so long to be sorted. Despite my call, I
received another reminder from a Nurse at the GP surgery so I called them again
and was told that a note would be sent to the Secretaries to stop any further
messages. But they persisted! To the point where even though I had my
appointment four days ago (at the time of writing this bit) I received another
message today! I had cancelled an appointment for blood tests (because I’ve had
some in hospital recently) but they messaged saying that I’d missed it and, in
that message, they added: ‘Also a reminder that you are due/overdue your
cervical smear if you can book this...’ I get that there’s nothing sort of
lending itself to it being ‘nagging’ and it’s not judgmental that they think I
have ignored it, so my upset with it was really more about frustration.
Frustration that I’d called them twice and pointed out the referral and I also
actually worried that if this goes on my records that I’m basically ignoring
the smear and their messages to book it, it’ll make me look quite bad to some
people who might read it.
2.
The
other challenge whilst on the waiting list was the very typical, obvious, and
understandable nervousness and anxiety. With my belief and recognition that
it’s very likely I’m the only person feeling anxious and nervous about being on
a waiting list, I have created a graphic below which is full of numerous bits
of tips and advice on safely coping with those thoughts and feelings in a
healthy and productive way. Below that graphic, there’s then also a list of
helplines followed by a part which is in collaboration with Amazon UK and
features links to all the items you can use to practice the DBT skills I have
found most helpful for coping with this situation. But I haven’t really mentioned
or talked about how I cope with those things myself… So, for anyone wondering,
I guess I utilise a combination of two bits in the graphic: for the ‘support
system’ part, I tend to lean on my Mum, my best-friends, and my Recovery
Workers from Waythrough for help and support when I’ve
been struggling through the waiting process. Then, the other part is the ‘DBT
skills’ section. For this, I typically use self-soothing, radical acceptance, and distraction; which are all from the Distress Tolerance module. If you click on those skills,
I have actually linked them to my favourite website for learning about DBT, practicing
the skills, and completing the various worksheets they have available for
download from each of the skills/modules.
.png)
There
is so much help and support in the UK now for survivors of rape and/or abuse
and whilst it’s incredibly sad that those organisations are needed, it’s also
very reassuring and comforting to see so many services available. I also find
it really helpful that different organisations have differing forms of
supportive and helpful services that can vary from live webchats to good old
phonelines! I think this factor is really important because it acknowledges
that, at the end of the day, survivors are individuals. Having a trauma with
the same meaning in common shouldn’t define everyone and put everyone in the
same ‘box’ by assuming that if one method of support works for one survivor
then must for everyone else.
So,
with the recognition that all these services exist, and that there are a ton of
organisations who offer ‘Help’ pages on their website with lists of the various
charities etc out there, I have decided to list nine of those
organisational Help Directories instead. I thought it would be more effective
in making it likely that I don’t miss too many services out:
Helplines & Webchat Services
- Survivors Network
Help after rape and sexual
assault - NHS
If You Need Help Now - The
Survivors Trust
Support for victims of sexual
violence and abuse - GOV.UK
BBC - Information and Support:
Sexual Abuse and Violence
Our list of organisations &
groups that help survivors of abuse.
Support for men and boys | Rape
Crisis England & Wales
Get help after rape or sexual
assault | Rape Crisis England & Wales
Recovering from Rape and Sexual
Trauma - HelpGuide.org
All the helpful items for the DBT
skills I’d recommend | In Collaboration with Amazon UK
Total De-Stress Roller Ball: £5.95
Relaxing Shower Steamers: £12.99
Wind Down Twinings Tea Bags: £3.69
Relax Bath Salt: £4.00
The Relaxation and Stress
Reduction Workbook:
£25.00
31 Day Mindfulness Challenge: £6.95
Mindfulness Activity Book: £8.99
Mindfulness Workbook: £7.99
Mindfulness Puzzles: £6.99
Mindful Colouring Book: £7.45
Soothing Sleep Butter: £6.66
Sleep Candles: £7.99
Sleep Dreams Pillow Spray: £5.33
Sleep Eye Mask: £18.99
Rescue Night Pastilles: £7.99
Stress Relief Colouring Book: £7.42
100 Classic Games: £14.99
Harry Potter Book Collection: £35.99
Grey’s Anatomy Season 1: £8.98
Vintage Scrapbook Kit: £13.99
30 Days of Gratitude: £6.99
50 Positive Affirmation Cards: £14.99
Sensory Self-Care Journal: £6.99
The Path to Self-Love by Ruby
Dhal Hardback:
£16.99
Self-Care Weekly Tracker Pad: £6.95
You’ll
see in the vlog, that in the beginning, I talk about how I’d booked a taxi in
advance of the appointment so that I had less stress with my transport in
getting to the hospital. I was diagnosed with Epilepsy last year and the
law/guidelines state that you have to be at least one year seizure free before
you’re allowed to drive. Fortunately, I actually haven’t taken my driving test
(though I did have lessons as soon as I was old enough) and I say ‘fortunately’
because if I had, and then wasn’t allowed to drive, it would have been really
hard to adjust to. So, I feel lucky that I’ve never relied on a car and have
always used public transport. But, with so much experience of buses; I’ve
learnt that you can barely trust them to turn up or, if they’re going to turn
up, you can’t rely on them to be on time! So, with that in mind, and the fact
that it was such an important appointment which I was already extremely nervous
about the thought of, I decided to book a taxi. In doing so, I also thought to
book it with plenty of time for the risk of traffic jams because quite a few
roads are blocked and have traffic lights around my town at the minute. I
figured that even if we don’t need the time for the traffic, I could just spend
it at the café in the hospital and grab a brew before I go for it.
I
couldn’t believe the irony that I’d literally just filmed talking about the
thought and care I’d put into the considerations and plans around my transport and
then I received a notification that the taxi was running late! Added irony was
when I watched my assigned taxi on the tracker of the company’s app making its
way to my home before becoming stuck at the traffic lights, I’d been worried
about getting caught up in! I was so frustrated that I just burst into laughter
as means of letting it all out without screaming or ringing the taxi company
and arguing with them about it. And laughing about it was really, obviously so
much better for my mental health!
In the
vlog, before the stress and delay, I advised that others consider their
transport and budgeting plenty of time for travelling and so reflecting on that
since the stress and delay have actually happened, I’d 100% stick to that
advice, but I’d add that it’s seriously super important and I’d honestly try
budgeting an extra 20 – 30 minutes for your travel. I certainly will be from
now on!
I
talked earlier about why I needed to ask to have my smear under a general
anaesthetic, but all I really said was what had happened to me, and I didn’t
really explain exactly why that mattered. I mean, I think it is fair to say
that when you hear someone has gone through abuse and rape, it would be
understandable to also then hear them say they’re reluctant to have intimate
tests and examinations, but there’s more specific issues that I have. Please
don’t assume that everyone who has those traumatic experiences and is
uncomfortable with smears etc feels that way for these same reasons though,
these are more my personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I mean, I say
that, but I can’t imagine I’m alone in them. Just allow someone the space and
time to explain their own.
For me,
when the sexual abuse first began, it was actually the first time I had
experienced those sorts of actions or behaviours – not in terms of the abuse,
but what was happening to be labelled abuse. See? I’m even awkward
saying/typing the words and names for these things! Anyway, with it being the
first experience, it meant that I experienced a lot of pain in intimate parts
of my body, and, at the time, I hadn’t really had any painful experiences… I
hadn’t broken any bones or really been injured in any way. So, in addition to
me never having this kind of pain, I hadn’t really had any pain at all. This
meant that it was actually really scary, and I literally just didn’t know how
to even cope with it! Like, there was one point where – if it happened the way
it had, and I didn’t have all the reasons I had not to report it – I was
honestly thinking; ‘should I be going to hospital or ringing an ambulance or
something?’
The
other element of the abuse which has shaped my reluctance to undergo gynae
procedures – though it shouldn’t always be relevant for smears – is the
bleeding I experienced when the rape occurred. Again, it was my first
experience of that because I had been a virgin, and because it was without
consent, there was obviously an even higher chance of there being bleeding
afterwards. And there definitely was. I remember being so afraid that it would
seep through to my trousers and worrying that if I told my Mum that it was just
a period, she would realise it was out of sync with my usual cycle and question
things…
Now,
whilst I had an enormous, very valid list of reasons why I couldn’t report the
abuse, that didn’t mean that I didn’t want someone to stop it. And this meant
that I would often exhibit behaviours or say things with the hope that someone
would sit up and be like; “why’s Aimee doing that?” That it would cause some
suspicion so that I wasn’t afraid of not being believed if I reported it
because someone else had actually realised it for themselves. And so, the
bleeding was one of those things where I questioned whether I should be hiding
things and making excuses because not doing so, could lead to someone
developing and voicing their concerns. In all honesty, one of the most
difficult things in reporting the rape and abuse to the Police, was hearing
that several of his colleagues had said in their statements that they’d
‘wondered’ if ‘something like that’ was happening! Everyone else made a
different comment but completely along the same lines: “I didn’t see it, but I
can believe it happened.” And it wasn’t just them, when my Mum was told what
had happened to me, she – on numerous occasions – has voiced realising that
certain things I did or said during that time, actually made sense and were
easily connected to what was happening to me e.g. she pointed out how I used to
shower every single night for over an hour.
With
the comments from his colleagues, my largest thought that I wanted to literally
scream in their faces, was “why the hell didn’t you do something about it?!” I
mean, if I had even the most vague and unfounded suspicions, I would speak up –
and not just because of what has happened to me. I would have the belief that
if I didn’t, and found out I’d been right, I wouldn’t have forgiven myself
having that knowledge that I could’ve stopped that and saved someone from being
traumatised forever. In fact, that was a huge reason why I eventually reported
things to the Police; I was so worried that because he’d faced no consequences for
what he had done to me, he would have no reason or motivation to not repeat it
with another person. It’s meant that even though CPS refused to take the
Police’s recommendation forward and prosecute him, I’ve recognised that any
future instances (which there have been) were absolutely not my responsibility.
That I was at no fault because there was literally nothing more, I could do to
have saved them. It was on CPS.
So, the
reason why I’ve talked through those was because in my actual appointment with
the Gynae Consultant, I explained this rationale to her to explain my request.
In all honesty, she actually didn’t ask a lot of questions or request detailed
information and details about my experiences at all. Now, whilst it’s still
incredibly difficult and horrible to tell others about the rape and abuse,
having I’m NOT Disordered and creating the content that I have created for over
twelve years, has meant that I actually rarely get too upset when I’m
recounting it all to someone else. A lot of survivors – and I used to too –
voice the notion of being triggered (to properly understand the meaning behind being
triggered in a psychological sense: What Does 'Triggered' Mean?
Types of Triggers and How to Cope)
and finding themselves almost reliving the entire experience. This is often
also described as re-traumatisation and it’s a huge issue which many charities
and organisations such as Victim Support (who actually have a really useful
article about this topic: Court process re-traumatising
victim-survivors of sexual violence, new report reveals - Victim Support), have tackled in regard to the
legal process around rape and abuse and in particular, the interview and
questioning stage.
I feel
extremely fortunate that this is no longer something I experience, because when
I did; it would render me really unsafe, and I often resorted to very unhealthy
coping strategies in order to escape the difficult memories. Those experiences
have taken a number of years to deal with – they haven’t gone as soon as I
started blogging. In fact, I have created a number of pieces of content on the
topic:
2.
HOW TO COPE WITH TRIGGERS ON
SOCIAL MEDIA | I'm NOT Disordered
3.
AFTERMATH & MENTAL HEALTH |
I'm NOT Disordered
4.
HOW THE ABUSE HAS CHANGED MY
LIFE | I'm NOT Disordered
6.
If Memories Don't Go Away, How
Can You Ever Get Better? | I'm NOT Disordered
7.
WHAT DISASSOCIATION REALLY FEELS
LIKE | I'm NOT Disordered
8.
THE REALITY OF LIFE AFTER ABUSE
| TW | I'm NOT Disordered
9.
HOW TO COPE WITH EVERYTHING YOU
SEE ONLINE | I'm NOT Disordered
I very
much appreciated that in this appointment, the Consultant actually didn’t ask
for too many details in terms of why I needed the sedation for my smear.
Ironically, not doing that made me feel comfortable in disclosing more than
what she was really asking for because I felt she was trustworthy and
understanding.
So, the final plan for my smear is to try a strong sedation and if I still can’t tolerate the procedure, we’ll move straight to a general anaesthetic. Fortunately, they’re going to be prepared to do both right there and then so if the sedation isn’t enough, it won’t be as though I have to go home and back another time for the general anaesthetic. I’ll also likely be staying in hospital overnight as I have Epilepsy and have been known to have seizures after surgeries and also because I tend to get extremely sick after anaesthetics and usually need a few IV doses of anti-sickness medication. So, it’s reassuring to know that doing that is already arranged and planned for and I won’t have to worry about them deciding on the day.
The Consultant
said that the procedure should happen with the next two months, but I have a
lot of things to keep my mind busy and distracted from just sitting here worrying
about what’s going to happen. I guess that’s my final piece of advice or
insight; try to stay busy whilst waiting for your procedure so that your mental
health and emotional wellbeing doesn’t become controlled or influenced by
something which hasn’t even happened yet. Of course, that can be a heck of a
lot easier said than done, but hopefully the fact it’s working for me – a survivor
– can bring hope to others.
One
of my best-friend’s Martin has actually also published a blog post over on his
blog about this appointment and his thoughts on the vlog: