Thursday, 31 January 2013

The One When It Sort Of Helps

One of the staff read through everything I'd written since she'd last read it and it felt so good because I got some answers for questions that I never thought I needed to ask because I'd never even thought about what we were talking about. The answers helped me to understand things that'd happened to me which helped me to accept more easily and to forgive myself for some of the things I've done now that I can understand why I did them... One of the main things that has been spurring me on to hurt myself, I had to write about but when I wrote about it, I wrote it to try and convince the person reading it that they shouldn't blame me and as I read it back I realised something; why am I blaming myself when I believe everything I just wrote?! I left the 1:1 feeling like I'd made a massive improvement... But then things went 'wonky.' The voices I hear, begun unpicking all of my hard work and telling me that I was wrong to have changed my mind. I wasn't sure of myself enough to argue against them and put up a fight so I cried. I cried for literally an hour straight. Staff had to take me out of Reflection because I was almost hysterical and then after I'd managed to sit through the rest of the meeting, I asked for some PRN. The next day, I told them I was going to say that I only needed one milligram but I knew they'd say I needed two and they agreed. Even after the medication, it took a while of me sitting on my bathroom floor before I calmed down, and then a Nursing Assistant came and spoke to me; I explained I was having replays of what I'd written about and told her about the voices. She understood and sympathized. Then my Mum rang and afterwards, I fell asleep from the meds. I slept through the majority of the night but had nightmares that just didn't wake me.