Friday, 1 February 2013

My 22nd Birthday

[note: this post contains discussion of suicidal ideation]

It's my 22nd Birthday today!
I thought it'd be hard because of being in here but it's been surprisingly easy! It's helped knowing that I've needed to keep safe to go on my home leave tomorrow but I've had genuine fun too!
My Auntie (who lives abroad) called me this morning, then as I was getting ready my Mum called, some of the girls gave me presents (the girl I'm closest to got me some bracelets and purple Converse, three others got me a charm bracelet, another got me a five pound gift card, some hair clips and a sleep mask, two others got me a cardi, and another got me some chocolates and false eyelashes) then in Morning Meeting everyone sung Happy Birthday, including the staff and Hospital Manager who'd popped in! I had a nice relaxed morning; I'd missed the previous week's Problem Solving because I'd had my 1:1 DBT instead after missing that from being ill so the OT said I had to go through what I'd missed; I had to do a questionnaire with him about areas I might struggle with in life and which ones I found most important. I chose managing my finances, getting along with people, being involved in voluntary work or having a college course and using my abilities. And then we decided on plans to make them less of an issue, so for managing my finances we're going to do some budgeting work so I can pay off my overdraft, for getting along with people I'm going to have fortnightly 1:1's with him to do a chain analysis (when you go through an event, the feelings leading up to it, the consequences, and how you could've dealt with it differently) if I've had any arguments with people, for getting voluntary work or going to college, I acknowledged it'd be too soon for me to do that but he said we can work out a plan with the MDT to decide when I might be ready and how we would know and what would happen when I am. I told him I was upset because in our Ward Round yesterday (they still wouldn't give me the unescorted leave back) and in my Ward Round summary, they'd wrote that I look forward to visits but I don't plan for my future because I'm planning on killing myself! I said that just because I have suicidal thoughts it doesn't mean I don't know what I'd like to do with my future if I had one. It doesn't meant I don't want a future, it just means I don't care that much about it and I don't think I will get one. And then, the one I was most happy with is using my abilities. He explained that I'd not been able to do that exercise in Arts and Crafts with the drawing because I'd lost confidence but that I wanted to get it back because I used to enjoy drawing a lot and my Mum and everyone used to say how good I was so, once a week I'm going to have a 1:1 with either OT staff or an NA (Nursing Assistant) and they're going to get me some fashion drawing books so I can build on my skills and get my confidence back. It made me feel positive and hopeful.
Then, I failed miserably at two games of Frustration, and at 1pm I went out with one of the staff to Asda which also has a McDonalds inside it. Seven of the girls had gone out too and joined us in McDonalds then started singing Happy Birthday so I was soooo embarrassed! Back at Hospital, I slept for the rest of the afternoon ready for my party! All of the girls had chipped in a few quid for food and pop and after Reflection I put some music on in the Sitting Room and we all ate, stuffed our faces, danced like nutters and sung until we almost smashed the windows! I cut up my cake that the kitchen staff had made and handed it out, then my Named Nurse came and I went and had my slice with her, she apologised for not getting to spend time with me today and I put cream on her face!
Now, I'm going to try for an early night ready for the drive up home tomorrow! Very exciting, and I think it's been the best birthday I could hope for... All things considered!