Catch 22 (and a RIP to my hamster!)

I finally wrote my biggest secret down! Some of the staff had been encouraging me to do it but I'd been so worried because I was ashamed of what I'd done and I genuinely believed they would all hate me for it and I told them I deserved to be hated and that if they said they didn't then they'd be lying. But it put me in a catch 22 because on the one hand I wanted to tell them so that they wouldn't keep telling me I deserved help but on the other hand, I didn't want to tell them either in case they thought of me how I thought of me; with hatred, shame... But it worked out different... As I was writing it I realised I was trying to convince the reader not to hate me and in doing so, I realised I agreed with all of the reasons I thought they shouldn't hate me. And it made me wonder; why do I hate myself?
I had a horrendous night after writing everything down, I was lying in my bed and I had my eyes open, I knew where I was but I didn't physically feel like I was there; I had pain where I shouldn't have. And then when I went into my bathroom (we have en-suites) I knew my eyes were playing tricks on me in the dark because I could see someone standing in front of me so I kept flailing my arm out to show there was no one there but it couldn't convince my eyes or my brain. So I got upset and it was about 5:30 am and I just thought 'I haven't got the energy to fight this' so I went to see a nurse and usually they try not to give PRN (medication you only take when you need it) after 1am so that you're not still drowsy for the following day and groups. But the nurse took one look at me and said that it didn't matter! I went back to my room after taking the Lorazepam and cuddled up in bed with all of my three rabbits (I have them to help with hallucinatory ones I struggle with) and listened to music until I fell asleep.

Rest in peace Butter, my little hamster; 27/12/2010 - 25/01/2013. The house will be much quieter without your squeaks... But at least the cat will get some sleep!

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