Wednesday, 8 May 2013

I Came So Close

[note: this post contains discussion of suicidal ideation]

I dreamt I'd overdose. I woke up disappointed. That's bad; you should never wake up and feel disappointed you're still alive.
I tried to fight - I blocked my ear but it only made them louder and angrier. I was going to tell you so you could stop my leave but then I lost my fight. I started wanting it - death. The peace and quiet of it all. I promise I'll get help once I feel ready and if I never do then I'm sorry.

That was the note I wrote this morning, the plan was to run away on my unescorted ground leave (to overdose) and leave the note on my bed. But, I managed to find my fight, I got it back by hurting myself but at least I got it back! I now have a sore ear (I put something in it to block out the voices) and an aching leg (I scratched it to make them happier). I asked for PRN and then got permission to miss the non-compulsory groups. After a snooze I felt better. Things were quieter and I had managed to avoid overdosing which felt like a massive achievement considering how close I came to doing it. And the best part of it all, is that I don't regret not doing it. In the past, in the community, I've ended up wishing I'd just done it and got it over with and I've went off the next day. But in the community I didn't have the support I do here or the reasons I have here to fight; I want to get out, I want to get better, I want to have a life!
On Friday, I'm supposed to be going to the local church to help with a fashion show the local charity shop is putting on, and then they've asked if I can help do their window displays which is what I'd like to do with my future; fashion and retail but the marketing side of things e.g. window displays, mannequins etc. It's something I want to do and I couldn't have done it if I'd been in the medical hospital hooked up to the anti-dote for an overdose! If I want my future as badly as I do then I need to prove it. It sucks that others get what they want without so much as a battle and yet I have a full on war going on inside my head but it'll make me a stronger person!