Do you remember the first time you self harmed? Try to think about whether something had happened to trigger this.
I took a pin from my noticeboard and sat in my bedroom using it to scratch myself. I did it to feel. To hurt, because I believed I was the only person with the right to hurt me and at that time someone else was. I wanted to hurt myself more... I wanted to win.
What were you feeling/going through?
I felt alone and like I was the only one who was hurting this badly. I felt like I had no one to turn to and so I had to deal with it alone. I had to help myself. I felt shocked too. Nothing bad had happened in my life and now there was. And it was massive. It hurt to be alive and I needed to see it; for it to me physical and visible rather than invisible and emotional.
Did you get any support for this experience or those feelings?
When I finally told my Mum, I didn't explain why I was doing it, I just let her assume. I saw a counsellor who tried to help me express my feelings verbally but it was voluntary so I soon stopped going. It was months before I reported the reason I was self-harming.
What help do you think you would have liked?
I wish I could've told my Mum what was happening so that she could've made it stop. I wish I'd even felt like I had a friend to talk to, even if it was just about what I was doing.
Nowadays, what feelings might cause you to self harm?
Being angry, feeling scared, lonely and irritated. Wanting to overdose, see blood or run-away. My head feeling full, feeling empty and numb.
What particular events might make you hurt yourself?
The voices being particularly loud or there being a lot of rabbits. Remembering being hurt and my overdoses and admissions in the past. The build-up to something stressful e.g. CPA, Home Leave etc.
What thought and feelings make you feel like hurting yourself?
Loneliness, anger, irritation, sadness, frustration, numb, empty, chaotic.
What signs might be there that you are starting to feel that way?
Looking far away and distant, being irritable, shaking and refusing to talk to anyone. Wanting to be alone.
Is there anything other than self harm that makes you feel any better?
No, otherwise I'd do that.
Is there anything that might prevent you from self-harming?
Telling staff so they can take away the opportunity to do it, keeping distracted and busy.
