Friday, 12 July 2013

I Begin An Anti-Depressant

So I was watching a film and then something in my head clicked and I suddenly thought 'I can't make it through the weekend' so I went to the staff office and luckily the doctor was in. We went into the meeting room and I told her I wanted to start a medication for my feelings. I explained to her how I feel like a black cloud is hanging over me and I'm spoiling everyone else's day, I told her how it feels like everything is black and white and grey. The colours have all gone. I explained that I used to get pleasure from doing my portfolio but even that doesn't make me happy. I told her I can laugh with people at jokes and things but then it's gone in an instant. She asked if it had anything to do with how loud the voices were but I said no because it feels separate, and even when they're quiet or not too nasty, I still feel sad. I admitted that to get to sleep I think about suicide and self-harm because it calms me. I told her that I'm safe though because this sadness feels so deep that I can't imagine self-harming would make a difference or help.  The Doctor told me to stop worrying about my obs and leave because she said these feelings and things are more important. Then she asked why I hadn't mentioned all of this in Ward Round because my Psychiatrist was there so he could've prescribed something. I told her I didn't want people to think I was weak. She checked I would get through the weekend and advised I take my sleeping tablet every night and use my PRN anti-psychotic then she'll ask my Psychiatrist to see me Monday to begin an antidepressant. As soon as she said that I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. It was such a relief to know that I won't have to feel like this much longer.