I've now had two nurses telling me I should be on 30minute obs so on Monday I fully expected my obs to be changed in zoning. But they didn't do zoning. They didn't do it yesterday either. Today, I had my hopes up. But the staff just told me they didn't change them. I couldn't believe it!
These past two weeks, I've stopped eating for four days, I've started hearing a new voice, I've had my first tactile hallucination and I've been let-down numerous times by staff making promises they couldn't be bothered to keep. My point is, I've had all this shit and I've not self-harmed. The lectures and support with the eating wasn't helping so I gave myself a stern talking to and put a stop to it myself. With the voice, I went straight to a nurse about it. With the tactile hallucination, it made me question a lot and my trust in staff wavered but it lasted days and I took the first step in speaking to staff about it. And when I've been let-down, I haven't lost my temper or mouthed off at staff; I've gone to my room, cried and ranted to friends. I've also had this massive sadness inside of me; it swells up and feels like there's a cloud above me and that everything is grey and bleak. I've barely managed to enjoy anything I've done and there've been times when all I've wanted is to feel some pain to stop from feeling all of this sadness. But I haven't. I've used DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) skills and grounding techniques. Even today, when I was struggling so badly with the voices that I went for PRN but before the Nurse could get me some a doctor took me into a room and quizzed me things. While she was talking I found myself scratching furiously at me left arm to the point where I drew blood. She stopped me and said we needed to stop talking so that I could get meds. I told her I felt like I could manage it myself now but she was adamant and was convinced I was going to go to my room and self-harm. I refused the medication, went to my room, scratched my arm a bit more, cried then lay on the cold bathroom floor and took some deep breaths. After about half an hour, I went for my dinner and took my usual 6pm meds. I was so proud of myself but all of this effort feels completely wasted when the staff aren't even acknowledging it. Instead, they've told me today that everyone is concerned about me because I usually attend and participate in all my groups but yesterday they said I didn't go to groups (they were in the sun in the courtyard all day and I had a migraine) and that I didn't participate in any today. It's like nothing I do is good enough. It makes me wonder why I don't just self-harm or do what the voices say. It makes me wonder why I bother. The staff are quick enough to punish you when you self-harm or don't co-operate but you put a bit of effort in and work hard and it takes them a bloody month to even realise!
Luckily, it's Ward Round again tomorrow so I still have the chance of changing my obs and getting my Home Leave this weekend but it hurts that I have to persuade them to change my obs and beg and plead. And I don't know how I'm going to cope if they still say no.
