[note: this post contains discussion of self-harm]
Crossed your fingers, I'm yours to lose, what if I told you, that things will never improve? ... The grass is always greener, someone else's past is always cleaner... - Lived a Lie by You Me At Six
Today, I asked the Doctor for a 1:1 because I'd decided to tell her about my nights... For the past four nights I've found myself in a different area of my bedroom... The first time I was in the bathroom, the second time I was over by my window and the other two I was in the bathroom. Each time I had no recollection of how I'd got there. At first I wondered if I'd disassociated but then I realised I would have remembered waking up before disassociating and I couldn't. So I told the Doctor about it and that I was starting to get scared of going to sleep in case I ended up God knows where or did God knows what. She suggested having someone with me through the night but I used my powers of persuasion to negotiate that my obs would just be reduced to 15's during the night until Monday and then she said she'd see about referring me to the sleep clinic. I thought that would be the end of it but she started asking what I was dreaming about (overdosing and running away) and at what point in the dream I was waking up in a different place (when I'm found by staff or police). And then it all led on to much deeper things about how I've been feeling recently and why. I tried to explain how hopeless I'm feeling since I've been here for so long and have finished my DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) and I'm pessimistic that trauma therapy is going to make a difference. I told her that it seems that as soon as things start getting better, quieter, calmer and happier then it's like this thing... These voices and rabbits and... BPD... It just ups a notch and things get a bit louder, chaotic and sadder. And all of a sudden things are even tougher than they were earlier. For so long now, I've felt like I'm just plodding on. Surviving. Going through the motions to make people happy. I feel like since I've been here I've learnt that you're not allowed to self-harm or commit suicide. People won't just 'let' you do it. But this is still a strange idea to me since once psychosis was ruled out, I went through about a year of self-harming, overdosing, admissions and voices with no diagnosis and therefore was given the label of 'attention seeking.' For about a year, people took a step back. The only person who fought for me was my Mum. All of the professionals just let me get on with it. I would overdose, have treatment and as protocol I'd see the Deliberate Self-Harm Team or Psych Liaison and tell them I'd be doing it again and they'd still let me go. It used to hurt so much because it meant that I had to stop myself from doing things and I felt so alone and uncared for. Many times, in acute psych wards they would admit me in an 'attempt to break the cycle' but I felt that I had to earn my bed. I had to deserve to be in Hospital so I'd continue self-harming, going AWOL, overdosing, kicking off... I'd do all of this in an attempt to prove I needed the help but it just made them think that the admission wasn't working. Now, I could go for months - I have gone for months, without self-harming and I know I still wouldn't be discharged. The Doctor said today that no matter what I do, I won't be discharged until I'm better. Sometimes, though, I miss the days when people weren't bothered. It's silly how you can get what you thought you wanted then you stop wanting it...
