Wednesday, 27 November 2013

The One With Your Jar Of Hearts

So, I went upstairs to the fundraising event one of the girls had organised. She sang a song and then another girl sang some. On the other one's second song... Well, it triggered things. I've always associated the song with my 'trauma.' You know when you read a song lyric and you think 'oh that line is like my life'? Well this entire song is like a story of the 'trauma!' I ended up sitting in the corridor upstairs, shaking and crying with the staff trying to find help to get me downstairs. Once we got down they sat with me and I told them what was wrong and they explained that it's not my fault I have all these confusing feelings around the 'trauma' and that it doesn't make me an 'idiot.' So, I went to a Nurse and she gave me 1mg Lorazepam (mild sedative) and I watched TV in bed before having lunch and falling asleep. I slept 'til 3pm and then when I woke up, I had the energy to sort things out; when something is triggering there are a number ways you can stop it being so. One is gradual exposure where you gradually introduce the triggering thing into your life in small pieces. The opposite to this, is flooding. This is what I did. I put the song on my laptop on repeat and printed the lyrics off. After hearing the song for about the twelfth time I was sick of the sound of it! Hopefully, it's now lost it's hold over me.

No, I can’t take one more step, towards you
Cuz all that’s waiting is regret,
Don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love, I loved the most

I’ve learned to live half alive,
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ‘round leaving scars,
Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart
You’re going to catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul,
So don’t come back for me,
Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around;
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong,
To ever fall back in your arms

.... 

And it took so long just to feel alright,
Remember how to put, back the light, in my eyes,
I wish I had missed, the first time that we kissed,
Cuz you broke all your promises,
And now you’re back?
You don’t get to get me back!
- Christina Perri  - Jar of Hearts