Saturday, 30 November 2013

The Revelation

[note: this post contains discussion of self-harm]

In Reflection, it got bad though; I couldn't keep my head in the Hospital... This, is dissociation. It can vary from a form of detaching from immediate surroundings to
severe detachment from physical and emotional experiences. It's different to psychosis which is losing touch with reality rather than detaching from it. Anyway, it felt like I was physically clinging onto any little thing I could feel or touch to remind me that I was in Hospital and not School. I was so scared to open my eyes and move in case it stopped me being anchored and I really did just drift away. But I had to get out of that room. I went to my bedroom, locked the door, turned the light off and lay on the bathroom floor. Usually, the cool of the floor helps but I had the urge to move at the same time as staying still. I compromised by lying on my back and cycling my legs in the air as if I was pedalling away from something or someone but I could still feel the solidness of the floor beneath me.
Once I knew I was in Hospital and I felt stable here, I went to speak to the Nurse. I told her that recently I've felt like I've been putting all the effort in, as it's been me who has come up with the ideas to help me e.g. the flooding with that song and the rabbit thing the other day. I told her that I don't want to be sat thinking "if I leave, no one will notice or help and I'll had put myself into a situation where I could self-harm." I told her that now my best-friend has gone no one notices when I'm struggling. I also told her that I'd brought myself out of it by exercising but that it would've been better to have talked it through. Then she started on about how they've hardly seen me out my room all day and I was getting fed up of the staff being broken records so I left.
I spoke to my Mum and told her everything and she managed to rationalize things out for me so I went back to the Nurse to tell her what we'd realised. I explained that since I'm nearer to discharge ("you're well on your way") they need to be taking a step back and because I've thought up my own solutions for struggles, they know I have the ability. Also, they know there's nothing I can do and she told me she had noticed me leave the Reflection and that she thought I just couldn't be in there any more. She told me there are times when she worries I'll do something and that they're not thinking I'm 100% already. Was so chuffed that I'd sorted all of that out and even more chuffed that it was with the help of my Mum. It's just confirmed what I already knew, that she can help and it eliminates any possible worries for my Home Leave (first drop-off overnight next weekend) because I know 100% that she will either figure out how to help or if I tell her what's best she will do it. I can't wait to get home with my Mum and my cat for a WHOLE weekend :)