[note: this post contains discussion of suicidal ideation]
Isn't it weird how you can have this idea of how the day is going to go and more often than not the days that change things the most are the ones that you don't expect to; the ones you think will be the most mundane?
Yesterday morning, we had Goal Setting group and one of the OT department spoke askedo speak with me after the group; I assumed it would be something simple to do with one of the recent meetings I've attended with her or the list for our Christmas party that I'd just given her. But it wasn't; she started saying she felt nervous as we sat in the Dining Room and suddenly I panicked as I realised it wasn't going to be as straight-forward as I'd thought... She began by saying that she thought we had a good therapeutic relationship (a phrase favoured by staff here, to say they get on with you but won't be adding you on Facebook!) and that she hoped I'd be as honest with her as she is with me. And then it came; "are you planning another overdose?" I didn't reply because I was so confused and surprised. She explained that her brain had been putting together all of these jigsaw pieces; she said that she'd heard me talk about overdoses and paracetamol with one of the girls yesterday, that she remembered I talked about stocking up before an OD so that when I lost my leave I wouldn't care and that she knew how much pop I have in my room (10 2litre bottles) and then she said that I'd once said to her that I'm really happy when I'm planning an OD and she knew I'd been in a really good, positive mood recently. It was so difficult because it's like, when I'm actually planning things no one realises and then when I'm totally innocent and nothing's going on everyone's suspicious! We both ended up a bit emotional but my tears were more because I was so overwhelmed by her consideration and it was lovely that I finally have staff like this to help me and that they're not limited to the three people on my Community team.
Then my usual night-time phone call with my Mum was very emotional. I told her about the chat with the OT in the morning and she worried that I was planning one but I told her what I'd said that morning. And she was crying and telling me basically how I made her feel when I self-harmed or overdosed. I ended up in tears to the point where one of the girls came to check I was ok and another gave me a bundle of tissues. Mum apologised for making me cry but I told her it was a good thing because it meant I was finally have the right emotion and reaction to what she was saying. We both agreed that in the past, and especially before I came to this Hospital, I was quite cold and cut-off from others. That's how I managed to do so much to upset people because I really was too deep in and too far gone to see how much I was hurting them, to care when they told me I was or to want to change. Before, whenever my Mum has told me how sad she feels or upset, I use it as an excuse. I make it into a bad thing and hurt myself or overdose and say that it's because I've made my Mum feel like that. Whereas now, I used our emotional chat as a good thing and it's motivation to make her feel better, happier and prouder.