Saturday, 11 January 2014

The Voices

At the moment, I have this idea that if I can give you all some kind of insight into the way things are for me and for so many others out there who have mental health problems then maybe everyone will get a better understanding on them and the stigma might reduce.
So, this is what I hear when none of you are listening...

Harry
H: It's boring in here Aimee
A: It's night-time; we can't go out yet
H: What about a game?
A: Remember last time? I looked like a right wally playing Mouse Trap alone
H: *laughs* yeah you did!
A: What about a movie?
H: Yes, please! Oooo that cartoon Alice in Wonderland one?!?!!
*I put the animated version of Alice in Wonderland on*

Albert & Annie
Al: you haven't been listening to Annie recently.
A: so?
Al: why not?
*I shrug*
Al: well she wants to know why!
A: I don't want any more scars or needles and that's what happens when I listen to her
Al: she says you can't just blank her out
A: she's my hallucination and she's in my head so I think I can!
Al: she says you're getting too clever for your own good and that she'll leave you alone for now but she'll be back

Henry
me: I wonder what these scratches are on my chest
He: you.
A: excuse me?
He: you did them, silly. Don't you remember?
*shakes head*
He: well that's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard; you did it. You said you wanted to scratch your heart out to stick it back together but you fell asleep while you were trying.
A: That can't be right
He: Why would I lie?
A: I know but... why would I do that? And I think I'd know if I had!
He: you said He'd broke your heart and it was the only way to mend it.
A: oh... I was talking about that with the staff; about how no one can mend a broken heart but they can stitch up a cut... You're probably right then
He: of course I am and you're obviously not going to remember because you keep taking them silly pills from the staff... That's if they are staff... You're probably in one of them experimental Hospitals to see how mad they can make you
A: Don't be stupid. The Hospital has a website. And a proper history of people being discharged. Stop being paranoid over every little thing.
He: me being paranoid?! You're the one thinking that socket in the meeting room is feeding through a camera!
A: you told me it was!
He: and you believed me because you know I'm telling the truth so why wouldn't I be now?
A: you need to shut up because I'm not even listening to you
He: fine, let me know when you've forgotten where you are again and I'll fill in the blanks, since I'm a good friend who'll do that for you even when you treat me like this.

That was a tiny example of the things my four (and sometimes five) auditory hallucinations say. It isn't often that what they say changes... Other than Henry, at the moment. But this is just a record of one conversation... We probably have about 30-40 a day. Every day. So when staff say I'm 'isolating' myself in my room? Well, you can understand why I'd say 'I'm never alone.'