Thursday, 6 February 2014

#TimeToTalk

As promised, I tweeted throughout the day... Unfortunately, it happened to be quite a loud day so in the morning (when I realised the volume had been turned up for the day) I made the decision not to tweet absolutely everything; mainly because it was all so constant, fast and loud that it would've been impractical and perhaps a little upsetting because the worst thing I've found that I can do with these voices, is to pay too much attention to them.

10:30am in kitchen to make momma a brew and voice number 4 "look at the size of them knives!" voice number 3 "no! they're scary Aimee!"

10:44am Voice number 2: "you could totally get out the back door" me: "shut up. It's never gunna happen!"

11:02am On the bus to go shopping Voice number 2: "remember sat at the back overdosing? The good old days" me: "prefer sat with mum"

 2:43pm Buying treats in Boots, voice number 2: "look at how close those paracetamol are" me: "look at how horrible they are"

3:18pm Passing the Hospital, voice number 2 "that used to make you have all those feelings, you've lost your touch" me: "no, you have"

3:25pm Voice number 3: "I don't want you to get old! It'll be even more hard for me!"

8:29pm Bathtime, voice number 2: "we could have drowned you if we'd wanted to, aimee. We're not weak... Like you"

Throughout the day my Mum kept checking on me; asking if I was ok, if I was struggling and if there was anything she could do for me but I was having a dilemma; I wanted to tell her what was going on in my head but I didn't want to worry her unnecessarily and I wasn't all that sure if I'd be able to explain it rationally whilst it was still going on. I contemplated taking Quetiapine PRN (an anti-psychotic to take when things are worse) but then I realised it was only half an hour until I could my night time meds at 9pm. As it turned out, being back downstairs (after my bath) and keeping busy and being in the company of my Mum and cat helped enough to get me through until meds time and after. And then when things were finally calmer and quieter, I was able to talk to her about the day. I told her how people without experience of auditory hallucinations might struggle to understand this but that there's a difference between them being loud and being bad. It's not that only one can make you struggle, just that you struggle in a different way for each. I told my Mum that it's a lot harder to talk about what's being said when it's just that it's loud because you can't really form your own thoughts or slow things down long enough to be able to repeat them to someone. Now though, it's like... It's as though there were a storm in my head, that there was one wave after another, they were strong and powerful and continuous, there was no break... And now the water is calm and settled.