[note: this post contains discussion of self-harm behaviours and suicidal ideation]
It's been brought to my attention that it's been a while since I last published a day-to-day kind of post. I guess a lot has been going on and I haven't really known how to write it up... I've decided to just copy it from my diary.
I was ok when my CPN left then every now and again it'd come into my head that that's it. But I pushed it out because I'm worried it'll hurt too much if I let myself feel it. I'll have to wait until the staff get me tomorrow. A rabbit just darted past! Got such a shock!
I'm worried. I remember once when I was in Hospital and I refused to see my Psychologist. She left me a note and it was really horrible. Later on, I looked at it again and I said something different, I think that's what's happening now; The Simpsons and my books all seem to be part of their plan.
It's amazing how suicidal I get when I'm this tired! All day I've felt like my brain wouldn't rest even for a second - it was going 100mph! So I didn't have my afternoon nap or sleep on the way back. I'm shattered. I was worried in the hairdressers today. I kept imagining me trying to make a run for it and Mum flattening me. And then there were rabbits. I told myself to just stay safe and that I could take my PRN once the staff got me. And when they were running late, I panicked that I couldn't keep smiling until then. But then it was two of my favourite staff who got me and I told myself to just have a laugh with them to get back safely and without taking meds. Once I was back, the sadness started creeping back though but I kept myself busy and let myself take Zopiclone so I could finally get some rest.
I am so tired and sad. I just want to curl up and be left alone. Sick of how much effort it takes to breath sometimes - not in a suicidal way. Just.... tired.
Didn't think I would ever stop crying! It suddenly got hard to stay here. In this hospital. In this year. I think that what I wrote for College has confused my mind. It was all so real and I got quite lost in my writing. I think that's where it started to go wrong. And then my Named Nurse tried to pass me off onto agency so it got worse. They speak to me about fighting what I'm being told from the voices but then the staff do these things and they give them more ammunition and I have to fight even harder. Because the staff who should be helping me, have made my battle even harder. I know I have to put effort in to get better but sometimes I'd rather sleep.
Those Lorazepam were just what my head needed. It's as though I didn't even realise how loud it was getting in there until there's silence. I feel calm and sleepy.
Glad I went to College even though the Doctor wasn't too sure. It ended up being a good distraction. The beginning was a bit hard because one of them had wrote about school and it got to me because I wasn't prepared for it or in control of it. Ended up cheering me up but as time goes by and I get more tired, I'm drifting away again. Sleep time!
I think I feel better. But part of me thinks I'm only better in so far as I can pretend to be happy now. Yesterday, I was too sad to pretend. When I was waiting for meds this morning the clinic door was left open and I looked to see no one was watching. I imagined myself crawling in, grabbing the box of paracetamol and going to my room. I hate those really impulsive ideas. It's so much harder to consider the consequences than it is when voices are telling me to.
Henry is in his element with all of these strange, random bruises that keep turning up. I feel like there's no one here for me now. Like, my first Named Nurse has gone, Chelsea has gone and my new Named Nurse clearly isn't going to be any good as a Named Nurse - she's far too busy to have any idea what's going on for me. Everyone is. All the staff are stressing and rushed off their feet. I feel so left-out and alone. I know what people mean about staff changing when you're well. It's like no one puts any effort in to you. This spurs Annie on though; saying I need to test if they still care. I just keep telling her that they've proven it enough times these past two years. I don't want to overdose just so I can say 'oh yes; they do still care.'
Last night everything got loud and strange. I got given Lorazepam but I cried for ages at feeling so alone and not wanting to self-harm etc. It would've been so much easier if I'd just wanted to do what they were saying. An NA checked my bedroom for rabbits and the Nurse stayed with my until the meds had kicked in. Today, I had to leave self-esteem group and a Charge Nurse gave me two more Lorazepam. I pushed myself to go to Creative Writing but then suddenly I was anxious and suspicious. The air vents looked different - as though they were doing another job. And then I felt like I'd be trapped in here because when the government come to take me and Henry there'll be nothing anyone can do about it. You can't say no to the government.
I'm tired but my head is finally peaceful. The Psychologist was back in today but she didn't even bother to apologise and re-arrange. Makes me want to say 'forget it.' I just want to be discharged now. I'm going to push for everything next Ward Round.
Just needed another catheter. Luckily there was an NA in who could do it so it saved me an A&E trip. I felt even more lonely after that so I went into the sitting room and sat with the girls listening to an NAs hilarious stories. It was nice to be included.
My concentration has gone to shit. I literally can't watch something for longer than 30mins. I'm managing to do other things though like word searches, colouring-in and reading.
I miss him. I have to speak to him. Wondering if I could just ring and ask to speak with him. I just want to hear his voice. Oh God. I want him back. How could he do this to me? Deny that WE ever happened? It hurts. My heard hurts.
So, apparently I didn't hand my laptop in last night. The staff said they talked about it and will let me off because it's unlike me and they know how much I struggled yesterday. The thing is Henry says I did hand it in and that the staff are conspiring with the government and have planted something on the laptop so I'm terrified to turn it on... I can just imagine turning it on and MI5 come into my room. About 20% of me knows I can be forgetful when I have Lorazepam but that's not enough to fight Henry, so I took PRN Quetiapine. The Ward Manager took me into her office, I thought it would be about the evidence, but it wasn't. She said I've been really subdued and sad and that she's barely seen me. She checked she hadn't done anything wrong then asked how she could help. I started crying because I just wanted to say 'make it quieter and take away the pain.' But she can't.
I was feeling quite hopeless about how quickly things seemed to have gotten so bad but now I'm looking at these past few days, remembering how hard they were, and I'm proud of myself. I'm getting through it without self-harm. And even though I'm not 100% sure it's passed, I am confident that I won't self-harm because of it and I think that's a massive achievement. I'm using DBT skills now, to cope. I'm distracting myself, talking to staff, using PRN... And I know that it'll end eventually.