Sunday, 18 January 2015

I'm Not Suicidal; I'm Lost

17.01.2015, 20:35
I'm miles away. But I'm not. I'm right here. And I hurt. But I'm at school and he's hurting me. And it all went so fast, sorry for both things.
This is different, I'm not suicidal but I'm lost. Stuck between times and places. And I don't belong in either of them any more. I don't know if it's my choice. All the tablets in my coat pocket say that it is.
I can't be here any longer. Ow.


Whilst doing the WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) with my therapist, we covered 'Early Warning Signs' which I've heard of before. I don't think I've ever fully understood what this meant... Until now.
Yesterday, it began with seeing things out of the corner of my eye. I know that this happens to many people, they think they see something flash past and they do a double take? That's fine, that's ok for those people. But for people who have experienced visual hallucinations; it isn't. It's a bad sign. And it's different... I see something out the corner of my eye and I do a double take, but the difference is that I then think 'the rabbits are back' (I hallucinate rabbits mostly) and panic.
So this was happening yesterday morning and through the afternoon and I kept saying to myself 'next time I go in the kitchen, I'll take my PRN meds' but I never did. I had a shower and it was like... Do you know when you're doing something on your laptop and all of a sudden someone is like '...so what do you think?' and they've been talking all that time but you've only just heard them? That's the easiest way to explain mild disassociation to those who haven't experienced it. The world goes on, things are happening, people are speaking; but you aren't aware of any of it. When I became aware, I was putting my make-up on. That sounds normal but I was staying in for the night; I didn't need to put make-up on. And I didn't know why I had, and I didn't know why, when I became aware, that I continued to do my make-up.
As the night went on, I felt impulsive. The old impulsive. I couldn't find any piece of the new Aimee to hold onto. To cling to for dear life. I kept trying; it was as though she was there - somewhere in my head and I was begging her to come forward and stop it but she stayed quiet. Watching. Challenging me. I got my hammer and hit my hand with it, trying to cause something. Anything. Any emotion other than this numb daze that I felt I was in.
Without know what I was doing or what my plan was; I found myself changing out of my pjs and stuffing my coat pockets with my phone, iPod, money, bus pass and all of my tablets. Then I left my home; avoiding Dolly so that I didn't get too upset at the thought of leaving her when I felt as unsafe as I did. I think I knew that looking at her would make it harder; in the same that in the past I had to be selfish and not think about my Mum so that it wouldn't stop me from doing what it felt like I had to do. And I think, I was worried that maybe it wouldn't stop me, and it should.
So, I walked into the town centre in the pitch black, with drunks all over the place. I sat at the bus station, waiting for the next bus to go to the place of my trauma. I didn't have a plan. I'd always liked the thought of sitting by the place and overdosing and I know I had all those pills but that wasn't the plan... At least I think it wasn't. Then, I don't know what happened, but it was like I was there. I was cold. I was waiting for a bus in the middle of the night to go somewhere I didn't want to go and where I wasn't sure what I'd do if I got there... I didn't want to do this. I wanted to be at home with Dolly, taking my PRN and snuggling up.
So, I got a taxi home and rang my Mum who talked to me while I cried, took my meds and got into bed.

♫ it hurts, that I remember every scar, and I've learnt, but living is the hardest part, I can't believe what I did for love, I can't believe what I did for us

So, I've learnt that seeing things out the corner of my eye is an early warning sign and I need to take my anti-psychotic meds to nip it in the bud. I also learnt my Mum never disappoints. And, I've learnt that no matter how much of me feels and thinks like the Old Aimee, I'm not her any more. And the new Aimee will ALWAYS win.