Thursday, 14 May 2015
(TW) "You were a different person then"
For the past six weeks or so I've been coming off my anti-psychotic medication because I hadn't experienced hallucinations in a very long time and I genuinely didn't believe they would come back. The thing with BPD though, is that most often hallucinations are triggered by stress, and I don't know if you guys have noticed; but I've had a lot going on recently! Here's the thing; they've all been good, amazing opportunities that I thoroughly enjoy; and then I had a visual hallucination and it made me stop and realise how much stress and anxiety I had at all of the things I had to do. I still enjoyed all of the events and blogging and vlogging but then there was the posts to write and plan and the videos to edit and other things going on and I was over-thinking everything and making so many to-do lists and I had the worst anxiety ever over the thought of Dolly's operation (I'm having her spayed). So, my community mental health professionals advised I take some time to myself over the weekend. Looking back, I do wonder whether that was a good idea or not, because I wonder if having everything going on and all of the things I needed to do, was actually a distraction. I guess that's something to think on...
I followed the advice; as I do these days, and the next evening when I was in the shower, I had an auditory hallucination. I called my Mum in hysterics and she was amazing. I cannot imagine a trained professional doing a better job! On Sunday, she came round to mine and made me feel better but once she left it all went to blackness again. And so I began overdosing...
At the end of all of the tablets, I returned to the place of my trauma and took a letter in to say that although my report to the police was too late for them to have found physical evidence; I was the evidence. The fact I was sat out on a bench opposite the building hoping all of the tablets would take my life was evidence of what had been done to me.
In A&E I was declared to have the capacity to refuse treatment for the overdose and I went home. The next morning my CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) and a more senior member of staff were at my door. And this is when things get unclear. I think that the next thing to happen was the paramedics came and I wouldn't get in the ambulance so these Doctors tried to come into my home to section me but I shut the door. Then my CPN rang and told me they were seeking to get a warrant to remove me from my home and if I didn't open my door when they came back then it would be broken down. I knew this would terrify Dolly. So, when the police and paramedics turned up, I went to hospital and at my first opportunity, I ran back home. A policeman took me back and sat with me. I was assessed under the Mental Health Act and whilst they made their decision I realised that if I agreed to blood tests and they came back ok I'd be free to go! And so that's what happened. The officer with me was absolutely amazing and so lovely! We went to the vending machines to stock up while we had the hour-long wait for my blood results; and they came back fine so I was finally ok to go home!
During those two dramatic days, I obviously took a lot of medication to help get me through it and so, for the past two days I've slept soooo much! But now I'm feeling more awake and happy!
I'm back on my usual (high) dose of quetiapine and I'm feeling better already!