[Note: of course this is not my routine every single day (neither for the 'then' nor the 'now' but it is the average for most days]
THEN
Barely
sleep from excitement, listen to Mum leave the house for work, begin taking the
tablets I have stored in my bedroom. Take a shower and pack a bag then head for
the bus stop where I’d get the 309 bus (the timetable
memorised in my head). Sit at the back of the bus where I couldn't be seen; swallow more pills. Get to Newcastle city centre and go to a newsagents; buy cheap
magazines, a big bottle of water and some ready salted crisps. Go to a Boots
store and buy an over-the-counter anti-sickness tablet and a packet of
co-Codomol. Go to the train station for the train I’d planned online the night
before to go to the place I’d Googled the night before. On the train, sit by
myself and take tablets two at a time so as not to raise suspicion, take
anti-sickness tablet. Get off the train at my destination and follow the signs
to leave the station and find a toilet to take the last 16 tablets. Sit on the
floor of the cubicle, take my coat off because I'm all hot, open my crisps and
eat a couple before popping all 16 pills out of the packet and swallowing them
with the water. As I leave the toilets, I feel hot, sick and have adrenalin so
powerful that I pass out. When I wake up, I'm being told not to move and that
an ambulance is coming. Either the general public, staff of wherever I am or
the police are usually the ones looking after me. The ambulance will come and
I’ll tell the paramedics how I've taken a staggered overdose of Paracetamol and they’ll say I have to go to A&E. I’ll tell them that I can’t; that the
voices won’t let me and if the police aren't already there then the paramedics
call them and I'm put in the ambulance and taken to A&E. I have blood tests
and Doctors struggle to find a vein to give me the anti-dote treatment that has
to through a vein, but they get there in the end... Usually through doing a central line in my neck. And I start the treatment and
the vomiting starts, and the police make excuses to leave my cubicle why the
nurses give me anti-sickness meds and vomit bowls. After an hour of treatment,
I’m taken to a ward and ask that the curtain can be permanently pulled around
my bed area so the other patients don’t see that I have police with me. If
they’re nice officers then we might talk and have a bit of banter or I’ll read
my magazines before going to sleep – if there’s a gap in my vomiting. And then I'm assessed under the Mental Health Act and have to explain to strangers why this happens.
NOW
I’ll have a
bit of lie-in until 10am, I wash the dishes, feed my kitten (Dolly) and clean
out her litter tray, make a brew and take my meds. Then I get washed, get
dressed, do my make-up and walk to my therapy appointment. We talk for about an
hour and sometimes I cry. If I don’t cry then I’ll meet my Mum and I’ll do some
shopping then we both go to mine and Mum plays with Dolly. I feel like I’ve
given her a grandchild. Mum leaves and my community support comes and takes me to
do my food shop and pick my medications from the pharmacy. She helps me unpack
my shopping and leaves. I make tea and eat then have a shower and watch Grey’s
Anatomy in my bed with Dolly whilst blogging/vlogging or doing Sudoku. I take
my meds and then I read and go to sleep.
Note: To see what I've been up to recently, go see my vlogs on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxkWBmMgubKY3zfqH_VkZJg
Note: To see what I've been up to recently, go see my vlogs on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxkWBmMgubKY3zfqH_VkZJg