Date: Friday 15th April 2016
Why have you chosen to write about today?
I've been wondering for a while when I'd feel like it was the right day to do this, but I got discharged from inpatient care yesterday so today is my first day in over 2 months while living independently with my mental health conditions, which I thought would be interesting
What time did you wake up?
10:30 - before going into hospital in February I had a terrible sleeping pattern of going to bed at around 4am and waking up around 6pm which was terrible for my depression but since my stay in hospital I've gotten into a much healthier sleeping pattern
Why did you wake up at that time? I didn't particularly have anything on today so I got to lie in until I wanted and woke up naturally
Did you have a dream? I had many haha! I have a lot of recurring nightmares that I won't go into in much detail but generally being readmitted to hospital and having a breakdown in public are in there as those are two of my biggest fears
Do you think today will be 'good' or 'bad' day? (use your own definition of these words to answer the question)
I think it will be mixed - it's great that it's my first day as a free woman after being discharged from inpatient yesterday but there's also the struggle of being on my own for the first time in a while which could be difficult as I struggle with feelings of being alone, particularly when I'm out of hospital
What are the first three things you do after waking up?
Tuck Albert back into bed - he's my toy lamb that helped me through hospital when I was younger so now I sleep with him every night and give him a kiss before bed and when I wake up haha I'm like a little kid! I'll look in the mirror and try to gage how bad my body image is this day and then go for a cig
Do you eat breakfast? If yes, what did you have?
Yeah I had 2 bowls of Special K, I had one and still felt hungry so I had another and was going to binge but I managed to fight the urge to eat any more after that and kept myself downstairs so I didn't go to the bathroom
What would be your perfect breakfast?
Oooh that's super difficult because I love breakfast so much anyway but probably either pancakes and syrup or just some good old muesli
Is there anything that you have to do today but don't particularly want to?
I need to sort out all of my things from hospital and put them all away in my room but I really struggle with being messy and disorganised when I'm depressed so my room is pretty cluttered anyway - I need to properly sort it out and throw away all the old stuff I don't need but I'm finding it hard to put away my smaller clothes from when I used to restrict so it might take some time...
List five things that you do between 9am and noon.
Normally, I'll have breakfast, go for a cig, I'd like to say get dressed but I'd be lying if I said I did that every day - I got half dressed today though, go through my phone notifications as I've got far too many apps and I'll either go to college wed-fri or go and veg-out on the sofa with some bad TV
Did you eat lunch? If yes, what did you eat?
I had some goats cheese and pesto pasta today that my sister made when she got home from college - we'd planned it as a nice lunch together which is one thing that kept me from binging earlier on
-What would be your perfect lunch?
Very difficult but possibly a brie, grape and cranberry sauce sandwich - they're delicious and my dad used to make them for me as a treat when I was younger
List five things that you have done, said, thought, or that have happened between noon and 5pm.
I sorted out 3 of my bags of stuff from hospital and put some clothes to one side in my room that I know don't fit me anymore. I got a new iPod yesterday so I spent ages trying to sync all of my music over. I love Queen so I thought "oh yeah I'll download their best-of album, which turned out to be a cover album - very disappointing! When my sister came home from college we had lunch and a chat over some fruit salad and I had a chat with my mum about how I felt today when she came home from work. Oh and a few more cigs haha.
Do you eat dinner/tea? If yes, at what time?
At home I generally eat dinner between 6 and 8 but it's hard to get back into a normal pattern after hospital as they have it at 5! Who has dinner at 5? Seriously?
What do you eat?
We had pizza tonight as we have a tradition at home of having pizza every Friday, it's kinda like mine and my sister's special thing, although it's difficult not to turn it into a binge
What would be your perfect dinner?
Chinese food I damn love chinese it's my favourite!
What do you do with your evening (5-8pm)?
When I'm back at college I should be doing work at this time but tonight I went to the village pub with my mum for some wine to celebrate coming out of hospital
Do you have a 'get-ready-for-bed' routine? If so, what is it?
On a good day I'll wash my face then get changed, take my meds and take a drink up to bed. On an average day I'll just take my meds and stumble up to bed after some wine but regardless of whether or not I've been drinking I have a very specific skin-picking routine that takes at least an hour before I can actually go to sleep. Very annoying but I've never been diagnosed with anything due to it.
What time do you go to sleep?
It used to be between 1 and 6am but recently it's been more like 10 or 11 pm. It really depends on what time I take my night time meds as they make me sleepy.
Is this when you want to go to bed? Or is it influenced by what you're doing the following day?
If I'm going to college the next day I'll try to make it before 1am but sometimes it stretches to 2.
Do you share your bed?
Nope - all to myself! I only have a single bed though so I don't have a lot of room for spreading out
Which position do you tend to sleep in? e.g. foetus, starfish etc.
I tend to go to sleep in the recovery position just because I find it really comfy but I roll around a lot in the night. I also rock myself to sleep like a baby - I find it comforting and it helps me to relax although I'm terrible to share a bed with!
What was your favourite part of your day?
Waking up and realising I'm at home and not in hospital! I have a lot of dreams within dreams and I'd already dreamt that I'd woken up back on the ward so it was a huge relief to be at home after
What was your least favourite?
Looking at all the stuff I have to sort out in my bedroom - I don't have the motivation to keep my room tidy but seeing it messy is also a big stressor for me.
Did anything happen today that you'd like to change or re-do?
I wish I hadn't eaten so much at breakfast - I know I need to lose weight but it's difficult to find the motivation to do it healthily without relapsing.
Did you 'learn' anything today? (use your own definition of this word to answer the question)
I learnt that I can cope on my own at home but that I think I need to keep myself busy. Not having anything to do is a trigger for me as it leaves me to brood on my thoughts so I need to find more productive ways of using my time
Are you looking forward to tomorrow?
I am actually! I don't often feel like this but I now have a weekend ahead of me as a free woman so I can go out and do what I want!
What do you have planned? I'm hopefully going to get my nails done tomorrow with a voucher my sister got me for my birthday - hopefully nice nails will give me a mood boost :)