“…Like,
it’s physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don’t
come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people’s
words do... So, you just keep quiet.”
Ned
Vizzini
In the early hours of August 24th, 2025, I jumped from a small bridge near my home which crosses a disused railway track. In this blog post, I’d like to share everything that happened before it, during it, and after it. This post is not intended as ‘attention-seeking’ but instead, to raise awareness of a lot of different issues which crop up throughout it and I want to do that (raise awareness) to help others. To help those who have also jumped, to feel less alone. To help professionals see good, helpful, and supportive work. To help provide the loved ones of those who have jumped with some sort of insight. The content also is definitely not intended as any sort of negative or unsafe influence. Nor do I want it to upset or trigger anyone – hence the ‘Trigger Warning’ in the title; if it does, please visit the blog’s Help Directory and reach out for professional support where relevant/necessary. With all of that said, thank you all for providing me with the platform to hopefully do some good with my content and to experience the personal, therapeutic benefits I receive in writing like this; I might have created I’m NOT Disordered, but it wouldn’t be where it is today without all of you – and for that, I am eternally grateful…
The Background
Around two years ago, I began experiencing strange beliefs and on
voicing one to the Crisis Team, they arranged a Mental Health Act assessment
(where two Psychiatrists and an Approved Mental Heath Practitioner – AMHP –
determine whether you should be detained to a psychiatric hospital) and was
promptly sectioned (under Section 2 of the Act). From the moment I was
discharged around ten days later, I began fighting for a diagnosis review... I
had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD – now referred to
as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder; EUPD) since 2009 and for a year
or so leading up to the admission I had felt it no longer fit me and my
difficulties.
When I was first diagnosed, the criteria for it were that you had
to have at least five of nine possible symptoms (for more on what they are; the
NHS website has the full list – and other information about the Disorder – here) and it
was determined that I had all nine. And so, despite my hatred of the name of
the Disorder, I recognised that it was true and accurate from Day One. I also
found it helpful because it meant that I wasn’t alone – they wouldn’t have
created a Disorder if no one else was struggling too – and it meant I could
access specialists care and Services, where staff were better trained in
helping and supporting someone with this diagnosis. And I think having that
positive experience of a diagnosis, really motivated me to put so much effort
into asking for a new one now that I was at a point where I felt I no longer
had the same difficulties.
After numerous appointments, a lovely Psychiatrist agreed with me
that I had recovered from BPD and no longer met the diagnostic criteria of
having at least five symptoms (I wrote a blog post about it here). He
also concluded that yes, I was clearly struggling with all these strange
thoughts and beliefs, but that he couldn’t pinpoint a diagnosis for it/me, and
I was finally discharged from the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) in June
2025.
Tips To Assert Yourself
Having just discussed the fact that I managed to fight my way to
succeeding in getting the diagnosis review I desperately wanted and felt I
needed and deserved, I thought perhaps this was the perfect opportunity to add
some tips on how to assert yourself the way that I did in the hope that it
helps you to achieve your goal…
ü Stay
calm – being angry or rude won’t get you anywhere; it’ll give others more
reason to not want to help you to achieve whatever it is you’re fighting for
ü Do your
research where necessary/relevant/appropriate – looking into your rights and case
studies for others achieving what you’re wanting could help support your point
of view
ü Be
prepared to struggle for validation – feeling that others agree with you or can
at least appreciate where you’re coming from may not happen that easily or be
that straightforward
ü Be aware
of your language – this doesn’t necessarily mean swearing and being rude, but
it’s more about using the correct terminology and being clear and concise with
your point
ü Ensure
you have a good, strong support network – this will help in case your fight for
assertion leads to upsetting and difficult situations
Sentences of Assertion
- "I respect your opinion, but
I see things differently."
- "I’m not comfortable with
that, and I’d prefer something else."
- "I don’t appreciate being
spoken to that way."
- "This is important to me,
and I’d like you to hear me out."
- "I understand your point,
but I’m standing by my decision."
- "Please don’t interrupt me
while I’m speaking."
Why I did it
Now, that’s the background to this done!
The more recent direct cause for this incident with the bridge was
that over one week ago, I stopped sleeping properly when, whilst I was asleep,
I began to feel and hear something inside of me… Since the bridge, numerous
professionals have asked me to describe this and all I can say is that I have
this sensation that there’s something evil living inside of me and I can hear
its thoughts. Not voice. It doesn’t talk – in fact, I don’t know if it can! And
I can’t picture or envision any sort of shape or animal that ‘it’ could be.
Actually, if I try really hard; the best I’d say to describe how it looks is
like those Obscurus on Fantastic Beasts (the Harry Potter spin-off). I decided
to Google the definition of it for all those who aren’t fans/haven’t seen or
heard of it, and oh my goodness does it fit with a lot of things… It’s defined here, as a ‘dark, parasitic magical force that develops in
a young witch or wizard who, due to trauma, abuse, or fear, suppresses their
inherent magic.’
On reading that, my poorly
mind is suddenly thinking ‘oh my God, maybe I can do magic too?!’ It’s almost
as though my head is so vulnerable that anything which remotely makes sense
or seems to be relevant in whatever way, is slotting into me as a full-on
belief. A belief that is gradually making more and more sense as being true and
reliable to the point that someone will struggle to convince me otherwise, to
be honest.
5 Coping Skills for Psychosis & Delusions (By
Chat GPT)
ü Reality Testing
What it is: Actively questioning whether a belief or perception is based in reality.
How to do it: Talk to a trusted person (therapist, support worker, friend) about your
thoughts. Ask yourself, “Is there evidence for this belief?” or “Could there be
another explanation?”
Why it helps: It reduces the power of delusions or distorted thinking.
ü Grounding Techniques
What it is: Strategies that help keep you connected to the present moment.
Examples:
Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can
smell, 1 you can taste.
Deep breathing or mindfulness exercises.
Why it helps: It can reduce anxiety and confusion, especially during hallucinations.
ü Medication Adherence
What it is: Taking antipsychotic medication as prescribed by a doctor.
How to support it: Use reminders, pill organizers, or
ask for long-acting injectable options if remembering is hard.
Why it helps: Medication is often key in reducing the frequency and intensity of
psychotic symptoms.
ü Develop a Support Network
What it is: Building relationships with people who understand and can offer
emotional or practical support.
Who can help: Friends, family, therapists, peer support groups.
Why it helps: Isolation can make symptoms worse. Support provides validation,
grounding, and early warning if symptoms worsen.
ü Structured Routine
What it is: Having a consistent daily schedule (e.g., regular sleep, meals, hygiene,
and activities).
How to build one: Start small—wake up at the same time,
plan one or two meaningful activities per day.
Why it helps: Reduces stress, builds a sense of control, and lowers relapse risk.
During it
This belief of something evil inside me and its thoughts led to me
finally (on the night of the 23rd of August) coming to believe that
I needed to kill it off in order to regain both some quiet in my head and the
control of my whole body. For some reason, my immediate thought on how to do it
led me to this small bridge near my home which goes above a disused railway
track. I’d jumped from it a long time ago and was told I was lucky to have
survived so… At about 2am, I called the Crisis Team, and they actually phoned
back to triage me within twenty minutes! Triage concluded with the Nurse saying
that she was really concerned about this belief and my thoughts of the bridge
and was asking the assessment team to come and see me to conduct an assessment
to go on caseload or be admitted to hospital within twenty-four hours.
Not long after the call though, despite not being actually
‘suicidal’ in terms of wanting to kill myself, I made my way to the
bridge. I was so convinced that if I did die, it would kill this evil thing before
it killed me, that as I climbed over the railing and onto the ledge, I had
absolutely no fear or the remotest of doubts that I was doing the wrong thing
and that it wouldn’t actually work. And this conviction led me to ring the
Police because I didn’t want a random stranger to have to find my body. Once I
told them my name and where I was, I asked them to tell my Mum that I loved her,
hung up the phone, closed my eyes, and jumped.
Helplines
Mind: 0300 102 1234
Samaritans: 116 123
SANELine: 0300 304 7000
National
Suicide Prevention Helpline: 0800 689 5652
CALM: 0800 58 58 58
Childline: 0800 11 11
Beat: 0808 801 0677
Frank: 0300 123 6600
SHOUT: 85258
Papyrus: 0786209697
For
additional resources, please see the blog’s Help Directory page:
Help Directory |
I'm NOT Disordered
The Medical Aftermath
The next thing I knew there was a torch light in my face and a
man’s voice shouting “shit! She’s actually jumped! Get Ambulance on lights and
siren!” And before I knew it, I was literally surrounded by Police (well, turns
out there was eight of them so not totally surrounded but it felt like it!), in
their florescent jackets, all shining their torches on me, and asking me what
hurt and at what part of the bridge I had jumped from. I could hear their
questions and I knew my answers, but it felt like I was in so much pain and total
shock that I’d actually done it that I just couldn’t focus or concentrate on actually
answering!
My pain was at the bottom of my neck around the back of it, both of
my hips, my left ankle, my left elbow, and my entire stomach. The strange thing
was, as horrific as the pain was in the beginning, it just worsened – the
Paramedics later explained this was because the shock and adrenaline was
wearing off and meant that it was all just hitting me and kicking in. It was
actually really scary too because I just kept thinking that it couldn’t
possibly get worse and then when it did, I was left feeling convinced I’d done
a ton of damage. But the scariest thing of all was that – despite all that pain
and fear – I could still feel this evil thing inside of me. I could still hear
its thoughts. And I still wanted it dead.
After what felt like forever – though I think it was only ten
minutes! – there was the sound of a siren and a blue flashing light lit
everything up, and then suddenly there were three (two came in an Ambulance and
the other was more Senior and drove a car) Paramedics there asking me what was
hurting (my answer was “both of my hips, my lower neck, my left elbow, my left
ankle, and my whole tummy!”) and checking with the Police what time it had
happened, how they had come to find out about it, and whether they knew from
how high I’d jumped.
After doing my blood pressure, pulse, and oxygen levels, I was put
on a stiff board and the three Paramedics, and two Police Officers carried me
out of the ditch that the train tracks were in and into an Ambulance. Then they
tried to get a cannula (a tube that goes into a vein so that they can
administer medication quickly and have it work quickly: if that wasn’t a clear
enough explanation, I found more information on them on the website of an NHS
Trust, which you can read here) in my
arm so that I could be given painkillers but my veins are terrible. So, they
explained they’d be taking me to Resus in A&E on blue lights and siren, so
we’d get there a lot faster and they’d be able to use an ultrasound machine to
find a vein and give me painkillers there. Until then, I just had to grit my
teeth and answer the questions of the Paramedic who stayed in the back of the
Ambulance with me on the spinal board on the stretcher with blocks on either
side of my head to keep my neck still.
When we got to Resus, there was a whole team of staff waiting –
Doctors, Nurses, a Surgeon, two Anaesthetists, and goodness knows who else! They
did as the Paramedic had said and used an ultrasound machine (I’ve found
information on what that means/how that works too, here) to
find a suitable vein for a cannula, gave me some Morphine and an anti-sickness
medication, and then took me for a CT Scan. Back in Resus, I began crying as I
started to think about the fact that I had acted on this belief about the evil
thing inside of me and it hadn’t worked – I could still hear the thing’s
thoughts and They eventually concluded that I’d cracked some ribs and had a
small amount of free fluid in my tummy, and I was allowed home.
Top Tips for A&E Professionals Dealing with
Mental Health
1. Ensure Immediate Safety
What to do:
- Remove potential hazards (e.g., weapons, sharp
objects).
- Separate the person from others if necessary.
- Use de-escalation techniques before considering
restraints.
Why: Prevents harm to the patient, staff, and others.
2. Conduct a Rapid Mental Status and Risk Assessment
What to assess:
- Risk of suicide or self-harm
- Risk of harm to others
- Level of orientation, hallucinations, delusions
Why: Guides urgent decision-making, such as whether hospitalization is
needed.
3. Use Calm, Non-Threatening Communication
How to do it:
- Speak clearly and at a reasonable volume
- Use a low, calm voice
- Avoid confrontational or judgmental language
Why: Helps reduce agitation and builds cooperation.
4. Stabilize with Emergency Interventions (if necessary)
Options include:
- Fast-acting medications (e.g., antipsychotics,
benzodiazepines)
- Physical restraints (as an absolute last resort and
following protocols)
- Involuntary hold under mental health legislation
Why: Stabilization is critical when someone is at high risk of harm.
5. Arrange Immediate Follow-Up or Transfer to Psychiatric Services
What this involves:
- Coordinating with crisis teams, psychiatrists, or psychiatric
hospitals
- Providing transport to appropriate care (voluntary or
involuntary)
- Creating a short-term safety and care plan
Why: Ensures continuity of care beyond the emergency setting.
The Mental Health
Aftermath
When I got home from
hospital, the first thing I did was pick my cat – Ruby – up and give her a hug,
and, burrowing my face in her fur (she’s a Maine Coon, Rag Doll mix so she’s
incredibly fluffy!), I started to cry. And all too quickly, it was the kind of
crying that makes you hyperventilate because you can’t catch your breath as
though everything you need for breathing is focused on keeping the tears
flowing! Like it’s doing that instead of making your breath!
When I’d finally
stopped crying and could breathe(!), I attempted to get some sleep until the
Crisis Team called to tell me that they’d be out to do my assessment in the
next hour. So, I quickly freshened up, swept the floor (I also have two house
rabbits so there’s constantly sawdust everywhere!), and mentally prepared
myself for a ton of questions that would likely be upsetting, triggering, and
difficult to answer.
When I answered the
door to them a little while later, I was relieved to see that I actually knew
one of them already from way back on my very first admission to my local
psychiatric hospital in 2009 and she was actually a Student Nurse there! So, it
meant I was instantly a bit more relaxed and – most importantly – more
comfortable and trusting in feeling like I could confide in them and be honest
and open about my thoughts and feelings. And obviously, this is absolutely key
in any sort of assessment related to your mental health and wellbeing.
So, we talked
through the issues I’d had with my sleep for the past eight days at that point,
and they asked how much sleep I was getting, and I figured out an estimate that
at the most, maybe three hours continuous sleep without waking up. I explained
that I feel that sometimes I need physical energy to fight things with my
mental health. Like, I need the physical ability to be able to dispute any
delusions and defy any thoughts or anything providing a reason to self-harm or causing
me to feel suicidal. They both agreed and said they could appreciate and
understand that thought process.
Then we talked about
the delusion about the evil thing inside of me and I explained that jumping
from the bridge hadn’t been about killing myself and being suicidal; but about
killing this evil thing. I told them that I wanted to do this because not only
was it affecting my sleep and all the results that had, but also because it’s
really not a pleasant feeling to experience the notion of not being in control
of my own body. Feeling as though something else is taking up room in there and
to the point where I struggled to let the hospital take blood tests because I
felt I didn’t have the right or the authority to give them blood that wasn’t
mine. That’s how controlling and consuming it is.
I also told them
about how I feel that the psychosis and delusions are a lot harder and more
horrible than when I had the Personality Disorder diagnosis and was struggling
with those symptoms. Even though in both cases I’ve ended up risking my life
and hurting myself, it feels worse now because the self-harm and jumping from
the bridge were done somewhat under duress and not necessarily because I was
feeling depressed or suicidal. I was doing these things in response to the
delusion and what I find difficult is that when I do these things, it’s me who
ends up dealing with the consequences of whatever desperate act I’ve committed.
Finally, they
excused themselves and went outside to make a decision as to what to do now and
when they came back in, I was actually really surprised that they’d decided to
put me on caseload and under their care. I think the shock was because they
hadn’t really voiced being concerned or worried about me throughout the
assessment and the things I said, so I thought that meant they weren’t phased
enough to act on anything. They also suggested – without me having even
mentioned that I’d thought of asking for it – that they get me a prescription
for Zopiclone (a strong sleeping tablet) and for me to take one every night for
the following three nights. Then they said they would plan to re-assess things
for the following weekend (after being on caseload for a week) to consider
discharge; but that re-assessing things could also happen in the meantime.
I really liked, and
found helpful, the fact that they sort of presented this week-long plan to me
because it’s meant I have no unreasonable expectations and I know where I stand
with things and prepare myself in whatever way is relevant or necessary for
each of the different parts/stages to the plan. I also found it helpful when I
commented that I thought they weren’t worried enough to put me on caseload and
the Nurse I’d known said “we recognise we need to nip this in the bud before it
gets to the point where you need to be hospitalised.” I talked about how I
recognise psychiatric hospitals have saved my life and so I don’t want to be
ungrateful, but I also think they aren’t the greatest or most safe of places. That
short-term, they aren’t helpful at all. And actually, I sometimes think that
the most helpful thing about them is that they provide the motivation to
cooperate with professionals and services that are offering community support
because you don’t want to ever be admitted again!
How To Get Through a
Mental Health Assessment
I’ve used ‘mental
health assessment’ so that it opens up this advice to more scenarios than
purely being assessed by the Crisis Team so not all of the advice is even
relevant or necessary for a Crisis Team assessment…
1. Prepare Ahead of Time
- Write down
symptoms you've been experiencing e.g. emotional changes, sleep issues,
appetite changes, intrusive thoughts, etc.
- Include how
long they’ve been happening and how they affect your life (work,
relationships, physical health).
- Think about any
past mental health history, trauma, or treatments you've had.
Tip: Bring notes if you're worried that you’ll forget something
during the assessment.
2. Be Honest, Even if It’s Uncomfortable
- Share how
things really are, not how you think they should sound.
- If you're
feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, numb, or ashamed—say so. These are signs of
struggling, not weakness.
- Mental health
professionals shouldn’t be there to judge you and they can only help with
what you tell them.
Example: “I’ve been having thoughts I don’t want to admit out
loud, but I know I need to.”
3. Assert Yourself and Ask Questions
- You have a
right to understand what’s being asked and why.
- If something
feels unclear or uncomfortable, ask:
“Can you explain what that means?” or
“I’m not comfortable with that—can we talk about why it’s important?”
Tip: Assertiveness isn’t aggression—it’s being clear and respectful about
your needs and boundaries. Revisit the assertiveness tips and sentences earlier
in the blog post for more on this specific piece of advice.
4. Share Your Goals and Expectations
- Tell them what
you hope to get out of the assessment.
“I’m here because I want to understand why I’ve been feeling this way and what help might look like.” - This helps them
focus the assessment on a direction that’s relevant to you.
Why it matters: Mental health is deeply personal, so your voice should
shape your care.
5. Don’t Downplay or Minimize
- Avoid saying
things like “It’s probably nothing” or “others have it worse” because if
something is affecting your life or causing distress, it matters—even if
it seems ‘small’ when making comparisons.
Important: Professionals take you seriously when you take your
experiences seriously.
If You're Struggling to Speak Freely…
- Say: “This is
hard for me to talk about, but I want to be honest.”
- Writing things
down and handing them to the professional is also okay.
- You can request
breaks or ask to move at a slower pace.
An Update
Now, to bring you up
to speed with where I am now… I’ve been on caseload with the Crisis Team for
six days now and have come to find them really helpful. I’ve had three visits and
one phone-call check-in, and I actually haven’t taken any Zopiclone yet because
I’ve been worried how sedating it might be because I haven’t taken it for literally
over two years! And I’ve ended up having meetings and appointments every day
which I obviously haven’t wanted to miss.
The delusion about
the evil thing is still going strong unfortunately… And with the realisation
that I hadn’t been able to kill it from jumping off the bridge, on the early
hours of Tuesday (the 26th) I decided to try to cut it out instead.
It ended up bleeding a heck of a lot so I called an Ambulance and they found
that there were splinters and shards of glass stuck in it so one of the
Paramedics tried to pick them out with tweezers but it got really painful and she
said she could still see bits glistening and that I needed to go to A&E to
have it looked at and washed out properly.
In A&E, they
took an X-ray to see how much glass was in and how deep it was, but before they
could do anything about it, I began feeling unsafe – to the point though, that
I thought if anyone tried to stop me from trying to kill this evil thing, they
would get hurt too. So, I discharged myself and before I knew it, I found
myself walking to a nearby overpass (in my pjs and slippers and at about 3am!)
and on the phone with the Crisis Team to tell them how much I was struggling
and what my thoughts were. Unbeknown to me, whilst the Nurse was on the phone
with me, he was having someone else ring the Police and the next thing I knew,
a Police car came hurtling down the road with its lights flashing but no siren
(apparently that was so they didn’t scare me!).
They ended up
ringing the Crisis Team who said they would do an extra visit with me in the
morning and then drove me home. When we got to my home though, they asked if I
was going to be safe the rest of the night until the Crisis Team came and I
said that I didn’t want to lie and end up doing something, them find out, and I
look like a bad and dishonest person for lying. So, I said I couldn’t guarantee
my safety. They said they had a duty of care and that it meant they couldn’t
leave me now, so the female Officer got out the car to call their Supervisor.
When she got back in, she said I could either promise to stay safe and see the
Crisis Team or they would take me to my Mum’s (and it was just after 4am at this
point!)! Of course, I said I’d agree to be safe etc and as I got out the car, I
told them that I didn’t appreciate being blackmailed.
So, then on Wednesday,
I called the hospital to ask if there was any point coming back in to have the
glass removed when the cut had almost closed (it was deeper than it was wide)
and was told to go to Minor Injuries and the Plastic Surgeon would come to see
me. I ended up needing it to be re-opened and the Surgeon found that actually,
the glistening hadn’t been more glass but the tendon – that’s how deep it was.
Fortunately, I’d barely damaged it so what I had done was fixed and the wound
was stitched.
Then, the final part
to the update is the plan now: today (August 29th) I’ll be having a
Senior Medics review where some Social Prescribers and the Crisis Team are
coming to my own home to assess my medication regime. They’ll be considering
whether I need an increase of my anti-psychotic medication, an alternative one,
or an additional one. On thinking about what I’d like to happen, I think I’ll
be voicing the idea of increasing what I’m on because it was working really
well and it’s the best one in terms of side effects. Plus, I’d be terrified of
what would happen in all the time it would take to reduce my current one and
add the new one gradually. So, hopefully they take my thoughts and concerns on
board and use them in considering their decision. In this appointment, they
will also then determine whether I need to stay on caseload any longer or be
discharged at the weekend.
In terms of the
delusion, as I said it’s still there but today, I’ve come to feel that I’m
starting to accept its existence. Like, I don’t want it there and I don’t think
this acceptance will last forever so I still want something done about it, but
I’m coming to see that no matter what I do, I can’t get rid of it or even gain
any sort of relief or reduction with its intensity and the unsafe thoughts and
feelings that it’s influencing in me.
Finally, thank you
all so much – I may have created I’m NOT Disordered and be ultimately responsible
for its content, but you all have made it into what it is today. You’ve made it
into a platform where I can work through my thoughts, feelings, and experiences
in a safe and therapeutic way; and for that, I’m eternally grateful to all of you!