Off
the back of my most recent self-harm I was put under the care of the Crisis
Team and when I had the assessment with them to decide whether they were going
to put me on their caseload, one of the staff said something to me that
inspired this post. She said; “I
know you look very put together, but I know that you’re good at doing that when
you’re actually really struggling inside.” It was really reassuring to discover
that they knew this because it’s something that, I think, it’s something about
me that takes a little while to learn and it’s something that’s kind of
essential when supporting me with my mental health. I told them that my CPN
(Community Psychiatric Nurse) always says I’m like a duck because they look
calm above the surface but underneath, they’re paddling furiously to stay
afloat. That’s me. It’s so challenging to be this way because I feel as though
mental health professionals are looking at me thinking ‘if you can laugh and
joke then you can’t be suicidal.’ And the hardest part is, I understand why
they’d think that way and honestly? If I hadn’t gone through what I have, I would’ve
thought the same of another person. I think that I cope this way because while
the abuse was happening, and I had all of the reasons that stopped me from
telling someone, I felt like I had to put on a ‘brave face.’ And coping like
that for so long – I didn’t report the abuse for two years – has meant that it’s
sort of become ingrained in me. Like a habit. Or a knee-jerk reaction.
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