“LET’S REMOVE IT FROM YOUR RECORDS, YOU’VE CLEARLY RECOVERED FROM IT!” | HOW I HAVE OVERCOME 8 SYMPTOMS OF BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER & HOW YOU CAN TOO

With every fall, I learn to stand, In the face of fear, I take command

Through the storms that try to break, I'll rise again, for my own sake

With fire in my soul, I'll light the way, In this journey of life, I'm here to stay

Feel the power, it's building inside, With every heartbeat, I won't hide

No more chains, I'll break them free, In this moment, I am me

I'll rise up stronger, no holding back, With my head held high, I'm on the right track

Rise Up Stronger: Beat-Creative

After around fifteen years of having a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) stuck to my records, I began questioning its validity a year or so ago and began seeing a Psychiatrist from Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust (CNTW). After around one year of appointments, on April 1^st 2025, the Psychiatrist told me he had finally concluded that I was right; I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD and that it would now be listed as ‘historic’ in all of my records! In ascertaining that I didn’t meet the criteria (which is to have at least 5 of 9 possible symptoms) we established I had just one and when I was diagnosed, it was with the determination that I had all 9! So, considering this meant I’ve recovered from 8 symptoms of BPD, I thought I would do this blog post to chat through how I managed it in the hope that it provides advice for others and also hope for those to know you can overcome BPD…

EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT DISPUTES IN MENTAL HEALTH | INCLUDING ARGUMENTS AMONGST PROFESSIONALS & HELPFUL LINKS

“The only part of an argument that really matters is what we think of the people arguing.”

Kim Stanley Robinson

 There was a point in my mental health journey – not necessarily the recovery part – where I had this sudden realisation that disputes were becoming so frequent that they were almost natural reactions to anything even slightly worthy of disputing. The development of that automatic response meant that I actually wasn’t even realising or aware that I was doing it half of the time it was happening! Through having Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) as a psychiatric hospital inpatient, I learnt a lot about properly handling yourself to be the best possible version of yourself during a dispute, as well as learning the whole saying of choosing your battles and these are lessons, I still stand by. I – and my mental health in particular – have benefited a lot from this improved understanding and change in attitude and behaviour so I wanted to spread the new-found knowledge to others…

WHEN & WHY IT STARTED, WITNESSING IT IN OTHERS, & HOW I CAME THROUGH IT | SELF-HARM AWARENESS DAY 2025

“Resilience isn't a single skill. It's a variety of skills and coping mechanisms. To bounce back from bumps in the road as well as failures...”

Jean Chatzky

This year, for Self-Harm Awareness Day, I thought I’d create this slightly(!) jumbled-up post and it is honestly, mostly a mess because I actually just found out it was this Awareness Day at about half three in the afternoon on the day of it! So, this post is basically full of bits and pieces about my experiences of self-harm, things related to self-harm which I’ve learnt and witnessed throughout my mental health journey, and advice I would give to someone who is utilising it as a coping skill…

HOW I’VE MADE IT THIS FAR | MY NEW BOOK IS AVAILABLE TO BUY NOW!!! | PART 2 OF 4

*This post is the second of 4 which will be posted every day for the following two days!*

Buy You’re NOT Disordered NOW!!

The three most obvious, go-to answers that you seriously just expect to hear when you ask someone how they have recovered from their mental illness: hospital, medication, and therapy. Fortunately – or unfortunately, I guess, depending upon how you look at it – for me, all three are true…

When my mental health deteriorated it did so in the form of auditory hallucinations, which I somehow ‘tolerated’ for around ten days before finally making my first suicide attempt. After passing out at school I was taken to hospital in an ambulance and then I ran away. The Police were called and when they found me when I had almost reached the nearby bus station, they detained me under section 136 of the 1983 Mental Health Act and I was pretty much thrown into their car and driven back to hospital where a Mental Health Act assessment promptly took place in a little room I’d never been in before in A&E. I honestly don’t’ remember much about it, just that I was told the Police could finally go and if I continued to try and leave the hospital then the staff were now allowed to restrain me, sedate me, and force me to finish the necessary, potentially life-saving medical treatment to counteract my suicide attempt.

BLOGMAS 2022 | DAY TWENTY: A CHAT ABOUT LOSING TIME | YORK CHRISTMAS MARKET | IN COLLABORATION WITH VISIT YORK

Welcome to Day Twenty of Blogmas 2022!

Today, I’ve teamed up with Visit York (all of their links are at the end of the post) to bring you some photos from their Christmas Market which I attended at the beginning of the month, as well as some links for the items I bought at it. The actual content of this post about acknowledging when you’ve lost time and making up for it; was inspired by the fact that I went to the Market with my Mum, and after my experiences with my mental illness, we’ve both voiced the need to ‘make up for lost time’ by wanting to be together more often...

INDICATORS OF RECOVERY | REVEALING THE BLOGMAS 2022 GRAPHIC!!

“Choose thoughts that give you the emotions of being alive and excited about life”

Bryant McGill

With the start (December 1^st) of Blogmas 2022 on I’m NOT Disordered getting closer and closer, I’m getting more and more excited, and so I thought I’d have a quick chat with you all about how this has proven to be a good indicator for just how stable my mental health recovery is, in the hope that this post can help you can find your own indicators. I also thought I’d take this opportunity to encourage some more Christmassy excitement, so there’ll also be a reveal of the Blogmas 2022 graphic created (using Canva) and which will feature on all my social media accounts and in all the upcoming festive content here on I’m NOT Disordered…

A HUGE CHAT ABOUT THERAPY

So, the inspiration for this post has come from a very recent, disastrous first therapy appointment and so initially I was just going to concentrate on that experience, but I found myself thinking of so many more bits about therapy that I want to talk about too…

When the first Psychologist (as far as I can remember) became involved in my care/treatment, I was very much in agreement with the us vs them culture when it came to psychiatric service users and certain professionals (most often the Police and Crisis Team though).

That mindset mostly stemmed from instances where I had been a psychiatric inpatient, because I think that it can be incredibly easy to build relationships with others on the ward and then see them in a number of different situations that could lead to intense thoughts and feelings towards the staff. I mean, it could vary from seeing someone being restrained and being angry that they were being deprived of their freedom and choice, to seeing someone self-harm or attempt suicide and ending up full of resentment for the staff who had been ‘useless’ in protecting and helping that person.

So, needless to say, I saw cooperating as a sign of weakness and defeat, and I developed a fear that engaging with professionals would make me more vulnerable. After self-harming, so many people would ask why I hadn’t called for help before doing it and I’d say that I hated the thought of seeking help and then those I’d spoken to, responding in ways I didn’t want or expect. I mean, there were numerous occasions where people – in general – have voiced that someone can’t genuinely be suicidal if they’re asking for help; but then you’d make a suicide attempt, and the first question would be “why didn’t you ring such-and-such?!” And that ironic sense of being unable to do anything ‘right’ no matter what you do, can really add to the frustration and contribute to the us vs them outlook.

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT A MENTAL HEALTH RELAPSE

From the start of my blogging career, I’ve been very passionate about being honest and open about mental health and my experiences. But when I had my first ‘relapse,’ I massively struggled to talk about it. I worried that through I’m NOT Disordered, I had become a bit of a ‘poster-child’ for mental health recovery. I mean, I receive messages from readers calling me an inspiration. So to have to say that I’d been so well, but just like that, it was all ‘ruined;’ made me worry that readers would panic and loose hope. Eventually, however, I realised that there’ll be so many people out there going through mental health relapses and being afraid to talk about it; and I don’t like that thought because it means a greater chance of them not getting help and support. So, I thought I’d lead by example…

About a month ago – maybe a bit longer – I began experiencing a few things which were sort of similar to the past, but at the same time very different… They were these thoughts – these very strange thoughts… With them sort of being along the lines of the hallucinations I hadn’t experienced since my medication increase over one year ago, I kept quiet for a week. 

Throughout my mental illness, I’ve come across a number of professionals who – even when they were in the same role and working for the same organisation – have disagreed with one another with regards to the hallucinations. I’ve had some say the voices and visual hallucinations of rabbits were stress-induced – that when I was busy or something upsetting had happened, it made those experiences worse. Then, other professionals (who were in the majority, to be fair) believed it was more genuine and something which I actually needed medication for. And because my medication increase last year led to the hallucinations disappearing completely, those professionals seemed victorious.

EVERYTHING LOSING PETS HAS TAUGHT ME | PET REMEMBRANCE DAY 2021 | IN COLLABORATION WITH CATS PROTECTION

This post is in memory of Saffy, Dolly, and Pixie – my furry little lifesavers.

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”

Mitch Albom

Whether you know me personally or only through my social media or the content of my blog, I’d like to think you know that I’m the type of person who is forever looking on the bright side of difficult situations. And I think this is because I’ve experienced how it feels to allow myself to only see the difficulty of everything. To concentrate on the hardship and fail to find hope. And I now know what damage that can cause me to do to myself. I know it can leave me feeling as though I’d rather be dead than continue to experience it. And so, I’d like to take this Day as an opportunity – not to concentrate on the devastating impact of the loss of three very important pets since creating I’m NOT Disordered – but instead, to talk about the lessons I’ve learnt from the loss of Saffy, Dolly, and Pixie; in the hope that it will benefit others going through a similar hardship…

DON’T BE ASHAMED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SADNESS

This lesson came particularly when my lop-eared, Lionhead bunny Pixie was put to sleep in April this year (you can read more about her death here). Prior to losing Pixie, both of the most notable pets passing (Saffy and Dolly) were cats and for some reason, I think that even people without pets can be more empathetic to someone who’s lost their cat than they would for the death of a rabbit. I think that with rabbits mostly being classed as a ‘small animal’ a lot of people (especially those who haven’t owned a rabbit) see them as less significant. 

When I bought Pixie in September 2017 ( you can read more about adding her to the family here), the visual hallucinations of rabbits had just come back and spotting her in my local Pets at Home, I had the impulsive idea that maybe holding her would help me. I knew that I couldn’t touch my rabbit hallucinations because every time I got closer, they moved away. So, I thought that in holding and stroking a real rabbit, maybe I’d feel more grounded. And I was right; the next day I returned, bought Pixie and took her home where she continued to help me. She continued to bring me back to earth when all my mind seemed to want to fly away and ignore all of the very really challenging moments and situations.

A GUIDE TO DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOUR THERAPY

“If you plan on being anything less than what you are capable of being, you will probably be unhappy all the days of your life.”

Abraham Maslow

So, I was going to write a blog post about something and realised it would (as a few have recently) focus on Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and with this I wondered whether I’ve ever published a post purely about DBT. Having created I’m NOT Disordered over eight years ago; I think it’s understandable that I can’t recall absolutely all of the content I’ve produced over the years; and this meant I had to scan through my post archives to determine whether I’d be repeating myself. It obviously turned out that the one post I’ve centred on DBT was published in 2016 (you can read it here) and I think it’s safe to say that I’ve had at least a ‘few’ new readers since then! Besides, I intended for this post to be more in depth than ‘ten things’ so here’s all you need to know about DBT…

In 2011, I moved down South to live with my Dad (I was born in Dorset) and when a few things went wrong, I found myself being sectioned under the 1983 Mental Health Act and admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Whilst in the hospital, a member of staff spoke with my Mum and mentioned DBT to her. When she asked for more information the staff were surprised that she and I weren’t aware of the Therapy which is arguably the most important treatment for someone with my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)!

It turned out, the mental health Trust back home (Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust – CNTW) was seriously lacking in the services they provided for helping and supporting someone with a Personality Disorder. This meant that at that time, the Trust only had a handful of psychiatric professionals trained in DBT. Not only did this reflect on the physical treatment available, but it also had an impact on the attitude and approach of many of the staff when speaking with or caring for someone with BPD. As though having a lack of training and understanding was an excuse to be rude, discriminatory, and dismissive. (Fortunately, CNTW are now in a much better position in terms of their Personality Disorder services and the knowledge their staff have of the helpful attitude and response to use with someone who has BPD.)

DBT, PRACTICAL ITEMS, & BRAVERY IN HOSPITAL ADMISSIONS | MY FINAL TENDON SURGERY

So, I was recently admitted to the Royal Victoria Infirmary (RVI) – a hospital under the Newcastle Upon Tyne Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust – for a final surgery on my thumb and it made me think and realise all the different elements you need when being admitted to hospital. And that they don’t have in evolve around packing a toothbrush and chargers for your phone!

Why I was admitted…

Unfortunately, I broke my wrist in November 2019, and apparently that injury can lead to what happened with my thumb on Boxing Day (December 26^th) 2019. I was using my thumbs to try to wiggle the cork of a bottle of Prosecco loose when all of a sudden, I couldn’t move my right thumb (you can read my first post about the injury here)!

It wasn’t as though it was sore, and I couldn’t move it because it’d hurt, I just genuinely couldn’t move it. It was so frustrating because I could feel my brain telling my thumb to lift up, but it just hung there, powerless, limp and lifeless. It was definitely one of those things where you don’t appreciate what you’ve got until it’s gone! I really hadn’t recognised just how important my thumb was to my general movement and ability to do things until I couldn’t use it.

14 THOUGHTS FOR 140 DAYS FREE OF SELF-HARM

"Every accomplishment starts with the with decisionn to try"

John F Kennedy

Today marks the one hundred and fortieth day since I last self-harmed, and I wanted to mark the occasion with a little (or big, we’ll see how much I end up rambling…) blog post:

 

1.    When I started to self-harm

I think that this thought was quite obviously going to feature in here somewhere! I mean, you don’t reach a milestone like this and not remember when it all started. I first self-harmed when I was fifteen years old, I had just been assaulted by a stranger and someone I trusted and respected offered his support… then he began using it as a cover to abuse me.

In my teenage mind, I had so many thoughts and reasons not to report the abuse that I felt completely overwhelmed and desperate for some relief. I think my initial thought process behind self-harming was that it might make me less attractive to my abuser. That maybe he’d be ‘put off’ by the cuts and then the scars. So, I began using a pin from a noticeboard to scratch at my arms and legs. The scratches were enough to draw blood but also enough that I could excuse them as cat scratches to anyone who might see them and ask questions.

My initial intention of damaging my appearance became a lot deeper and more intense; I started to believe that only I should have the power to hurt my body and thought that self-harming would prove this, and that it would leave me feeling more in control. I could take charge of how much or how little, pain I was experiencing.

BLOGMAS 2020 WITH I’M NOT DISORDERED | RECOMMENDATION FIVE: SELF SOOTHING | IN COLLABORATION WITH SUPERDRUG & MADE BY GEORGIA MAI | AD

Hello and welcome to recommendation number five of Blogmas 2020 with I’m NOT Disordered!

Today, I’ll be talking about the importance of self-care for your mental health and how vital it has been to stabilise my own. This post is in collaboration with Superdrug, so I’ll also be recommending some bits I’ve picked out from their website!

In 2011, my Mum and I found out about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) after a Psychiatrist mentioned that it was the recommended treatment for someone with my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She and I were baffled as to why I’d had the diagnosis for two years and had spent those years in and out of psychiatric hospitals, self-harming, and attempting suicide, yet we’d never even heard of DBT!

Unfortunately, the mental health services in my locality were very limited in supporting someone with BPD and there really wasn’t anyone specialising in treating someone with the diagnosis through DBT. It meant that when a suicide attempt left me on life support in intensive care, the professionals were sort of forced to transfer me to a specialist psychiatric hospital over 100 miles away from my home and my loved ones. It wasn’t that infuriating until a member of the hospital’s staff commented that if I’d lived in their locality, I would’ve had the treatment so much sooner. Postcode lottery.

MENTAL HEALTH & CREATIVITY | IN COLLABORATION WITH TIME TO CHANGE STORYCAMP 2020

We’ve reached the end of Time To Change’s Storycamp this year and the final briefing is all about creativity with the intention of content creators deciding on their own theme; but I liked the idea of just writing about creativity and how it can impact mental health…


I’d say that I’ve always been creative; when I was little, I used to love cutting things out of magazines and catalogues and making collages from them with my Nana. But I think my biggest creative outlet was through writing. I used to write so many short stories – mainly about horses because I was absolutely obsessed with them and took riding lessons for a while – that my Mum and Nana would read. I’d watch their reactions; a laugh or a smile, and it taught me the power words can have over the reader’s thoughts and feelings.


As I got older, I began developing a fascination with the idea of working in Fashion and decided to opt for Textiles as an exam subject in High School. Unfortunately, the subject’s Teacher was probably the least encouraging person in the world! The criticism she was full of was never constructive, and she was forever filling my head with doubts on my ability in the subject. I became so sceptical that by the end of the exams I had lost all interest and passion for drawing or being creative in any way.

TIME TO CHANGE STORYCAMP 2020 THEME TWO: THREE THINGS

Every two weeks from June 1^st until August 24^th 2020, Time To Change will be giving those who have signed up to StoryCamp, a theme to use as inspiration to create content on. This fortnight, the theme is ‘three things…’ and I couldn’t decide on one topic I’d like you to know three things about so here are thirteen…!!

Three Things You Should Know About Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

1.       Having the same diagnosis does not mean everyone with BPD has the same symptoms.

2.       Those diagnosed with BPD are not attention seekers

3.       Even mental health staff have a stigma against those with BPD

Three Things You Should Know About Being Sectioned

1.       It feels like you have a sign on your head telling everyone you’re detained under the Mental Health Act

MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK 2020 POST ONE | THE IMPORTANCE OF KINDNESS

“Be the reason someone smiles. Be the reason someone feels loved and believes in the goodness in people.”
Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

For the first time since they began hosting Mental Health Awareness Week (MHAW) twenty years ago, the Mental Health Foundation made the decision to change this year’s topic in response to the Coronavirus Pandemic and subsequent lockdown. Originally, the theme was set to be ‘sleep’ but it has now been changed to ‘kindness’ with the Foundation’s Chief Executive saying that “now more than ever, we need to re-discover kindness in our daily lives.”

Originally, for the ‘sleep’ topic, I’d planned to feature a questionnaire with a number of different people every day for the entire week and although the change in theme meant having to scrap my brainstorming and ideas, I was pleased with the decision to focus on ‘kindness.’ I mean, in all honesty, I think it would have been a bit ridiculous if the Foundation hadn’t responded to the Pandemic which is having a horrific impact on a lot of people’s mental health. There’s always the possibility of three different attitudes with negative things; you can either block them out and pretend they aren’t happening, or you can accept them as real and put all your attention and focus on them, or – finally – you could find the balance and recognize the negative whilst also refusing to forget about the positives in life. I think that in their decision to change the theme, the Foundation got the balance right and acknowledged the impact the Virus is having whilst also putting focus on something positive.

FIVE THINGS THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC HAS TAUGHT ME

You may have read Martin Baker’s guest post on his five things? The actual plan was to publish a post with both of ours, but Martin’s was finished sooner so I decided to post it alone and before my own.


I was recently in A&E (Accident and Emergency) with suspected liver failure but it – thankfully – turned out to be a really bad bout of gastroenteritis(!) and I was talking to one of the Doctors about the pandemic. She asked why I’d self-harmed a little while ago and my reason was something that’s actually stopped happening because of the UK lockdown! We laughed about how there’s been positives (is that the right word?) to the entire Pandemic and all the consequences that have come from it. And this inspired these posts... I’m definitely one of those ‘look-on-the-bright-side’ type of people and I’m definitely a ‘glass-half-full’ girl so for me, I find it helpful to look for positives and benefits from difficult situations in order to make them more bearable and easier to cope with.


After over a week of the UK lockdown, I received a letter telling me that because of my Asthma, I’m in the ‘extremely vulnerable’ category and am more likely to be admitted to Hospital if I contracted the Coronavirus. The letter instructed me to isolate for a further twelve weeks from the day of receiving the letter! This meant that whilst a lot of people are probably on Week Two or longer by now, I’m only just onto Week One (I only received the letter on Tuesday 31^st March)! So, I really do need something positive to think about and thought that finally writing this post might be a good idea...

CAN TUNNEL VISION EVER BE A GOOD THING?

“Vision? What do you know about my vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions, and send the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you. Now ask yourself, are you ready to see that vision?”

Huey Freeman

I’ve recently had a friend start struggling with their mental health and I’ve witnessed them go into tunnel vision where they were so set and so focused on one thing it was as though nothing I could say would even be heard, never mind have an impact! It was strange for me to actually see it because my Mum has always described me as having tunnel vision when I’m mentally unwell and struggling with thoughts to self-harm or with suicidal feelings. 


But self-harm and suicide aren’t the only aspect of mental health where tunnel vision is used; and they weren’t the first area I used mine in. The first time I can think of that I used tunnel vision was with the abuse I went through when I was fifteen, and I thought that no one would believe me if I were to report it to someone. My own conviction and the fact that it was consistently supported by my abuser and his comments on how everyone already thought me to be a liar and how no one would believe him capable of doing such a thing, cemented this belief. It turned any evidence to the contrary invisible and no matter how many opportunities I had to tell my lovely, caring, mum what was happening to me; I just couldn’t see beyond the conviction that she’d not only not believe me but she’d disown me for lying too! I was so truly lost in this lonely, isolating thought that had left me feeling so completely disregarded and forgotten about – the exact opposite of what was actually going on at the time(!) – that I almost wondered if I were the only person in the world. 

HOW I’M COPING WITH THE PROSPECT OF MORE SURGERY | IN COLLABORATION WITH NEWCASTLE UPON TYNE HOSPITALS NHS FOUNDATION TRUST | AD

http://www.newcastle-hospitals.org.uk/

https://twitter.com/NewcastleHosps

In January I talked about the connection between mental and physical health after needing tendon surgery at the Royal Victoria Infirmary (RVI); part of the Newcastle Hospitals Trust. For those who missed that post, on Boxing Day 2019 I was attempting to open a bottle of Prosecco by wiggling the cork out with my thumbs when all of a sudden, I couldn’t move my right thumb anymore! I thought it was dislocated and went to my local Minor Injuries where – after an x-ray – I was told that it was ‘fine’ and to ‘put it in warm water and slowly start moving it.’ 

After a few days that feeling that something was really wrong became intolerable and I took myself to the RVI. When I was being triaged by a Nurse I actually said to him “I feel like such an idiot for coming to A&E because of my thumb” because I honestly thought I’d just be laughed away and told to follow the advice of the Nurse in Minor Injuries but in fact, the exact opposite happened! The Nurse sent me to the RVI’s Minor Injuries and literally as soon as the Nurse there called my name and I stood to follow him to an exam room, he looked at my thumb and said “well, there’s definitely something wrong with that, isn’t there?!” I honestly couldn’t have been more grateful and comforted – which sounds strange that I was comforted by the thought of something being wrong but it was more about the fact that I’d been right the entire time and that I was especially right in coming to A&E. It was actually such a relief.

COMPLETE A WELLNESS RECOVERY ACTION PLAN WITH ME

“When the group developed WRAP, I was so impressed that I went home and wrote one for myself!”

– Mary Ellen Copeland

As someone who regularly puts almost her entire life out there for the general public to consume, I’m so interested in hearing/reading about the lives of others and seeing inside the most mundane of things! As someone who really struggles with completely mixed feelings of loneliness - sometimes all I want is to be surrounded by people and other times I can only tolerate the company of my pets – I mostly enjoy the YouTube ‘Get Ready With Me’ videos or ‘Speed Clean My Flat’ or ‘Come Shopping With Me’ because they enable me to have control over the company and how long it lasts! The important thing is the impact loneliness can have on a person’s mental health and so, in a desperate bid to help others experience the same positive things I feel when I watch similarly formatted videos. Though, of course I had to make my version mental health themed… Ever since I was discharged from the specialist psychiatric hospital in 2014, I’ve heard so many good things about Wellness Recovery Action Plans, but it wasn’t until recently that I – and my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) – realized that I’ve never done one! And as with most documents in mental health, it has the chance of triggering negative thoughts and feelings by making you think back to hard times so I thought that maybe it’d also be helpful to me to feel that I sort of have someone with me while I complete it...