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So, the inspiration for this post came after
I first submitted the manuscript for my soon-to-be-released book; Everything
Disordered, to Kindle Direct Publishing (KDP).
There were a few changes and corrections needed in terms of the sizing and
layout of the book (it has already been proofread by Emma Wharfe from St Oswald’s Hospice) and one of the
biggest and most obvious change was the design of the books cover. Having made a
little song and dance about the original cover design in using social media
posts to build up the release of it, I was dubious about making the change. I was
so worried that others would see me as inconsistent and unreliable. After
speaking about my worry and think about it a bit more, I came to the conclusion
that to feel the need to make changes in this way, shouldn’t be discouraged or
belittled. At the same time, having been a completely intolerant person to
change of any kind, I could understand others struggling with this…
HOW THE ABUSE HAS CHANGED ME:
1. My childhood impression of the world
was destroyed
I think the
first big change in my life was a combination of my trauma – the abuse – and growing
up. I had an idyllic childhood that was full of love and safety. I can’t
remember anything ‘bad’ ever happening until I was fifteen and the abuse
started. I’d love to give my children (if I have any!) a very similar childhood,
but with one difference: I’d make sure that their schooling gave them better
education around trauma and mental health.
2. The self-harm response
I think whilst it’s more than understandable, for abuse and rape to have a hugely negative impact on a person’s mental health; I can imagine a factor to increase the risk of this happening, is when the victim (or survivor depending on which way you see it) lacks the knowledge to even determine the abuse to be wrong and to know what to do about it. I mean, I’ll probably always wonder whether knowing those things would have provided a level of stability in some way. As though knowing the words ‘rape’ and ‘abuse’ would aid me in the aftermath for my mental health. That maybe I’d have coped in a much safer way.