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For those who are new here or have
missed my previous posts on it, in December 2019, I tore my EPL tendon in my
thumb while opening a bottle of Prosecco on Boxing Day(!) and had to have emergency
surgery. I then accidentally tore the repair and have been set to have a
tendon transfer surgery (where they take some of the tendon from my index
finger and use it in my thumb) ever since -
you can read about how I’m coping with the prospect of more surgery here.
My second
surgery hasn’t just been postponed because of the lockdown though, my Surgeon
is of the mindset that they need to get my thumb into as good a condition as
possible before operating on it. So, until the surgery, I’ve had to learn how
to cope with the pain and until the night of the 7th (of May), I was
managing with painkillers and my physiotherapy exercises. On the Thursday
night, though, I got the most incredibly overwhelming pain in my thumb and out
of pure desperation, I decided that I literally wanted to just cut it off!
Looking back, of course that seems like a… ridiculously stupid idea but at the
time, I was just so sick of the pain that I was willing to do whatever it took
to make it stop. I’ve been in physical pain before and have never
self-harmed because of it, so I just hope that this illustrates just how bad
that initial pain was. On the other hand, I’ve self-harmed a lot as a result of
psychological and emotional pain so maybe I shouldn’t be all that surprised
that I had turned to it as a coping mechanism for this physical pain.