A LENGTHY MEDICATION CHAT

I remember in 2009 lying on my bed in my Mum’s home and listening to the whispered conversations downstairs between my Mum and – what felt like – every member of NHS staff! (Realistically, it was a few people from the Crisis Team, two Social Workers, and two Psychiatrists!) When there was a knock on the bedroom door I didn’t expect to see the six foot something Psychiatrist wearing running trainers with his suit! I sat up on the bed and he came into my abnormally, barbie-pink bedroom and sat on the futon in front of me. And then he said one of the sentences that has remained a pivotal moment in my mental health journey and you know, actually… my life! He said: “maybe it’s time we start you on some medication.”

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#5 BP Series: Pros and Cons

[Note: Please do not use this post to make a decision on whether to take meds etc. This is purely my evaluation of these things from my personal experience; it is not a generalization and should not be used to go against professional advice.]
 

Mental Health Medication

Pros

1. Improvement in your symptoms
2. Feeling like you have a safety net if things get really bad
3. Feeling validated as professionals acknowledge things are so bad that you need medication
4. Feeling more hopeful as things improve
5. Improved safety/risk to self

Cons

1. Side effects
2. Worrying that you're only 'well' because of the meds
3. The stigma of mental health medication e.g. if you're in a medical hospital and they ask what medication you take
4. Having the opportunity to overdose on them
5. The affects of side effects e.g. weight gain side effects might affect your confidence
6. The uncertainty of when is the right time to begin reducing them or coming off them altogether
7. Inconvenience with having to take them at times when you might be out or busy
8. (as with most anti-depressants) being unable to drink alcohol

 

 

A Mental Health Diagnosis

 Pros

1. Knowing there are others; you're not alone
2. Gaining a better understanding of your symptoms
3. Meeting alike people who understand
4. Professionals have a better idea of how to help you as they know what's worked in the past for others with this diagnosis
5. Feeling more hopeful to hear that people have recovered

Cons

1. Being viewed as your disorder and not as a person
2. Stigmas attached to your diagnosis; even within mental health, some professionals refuse to work with people with a certain diagnosis
3. Worrying as you hear of people taking years to recover
4. Feeling it's all hopeless if usual methods don't work in aiding your recovery

My point is, some usual methods don't work for everything they're meant to. Making a list of pros and cons doesn't help you make a decision based on which has the most points. It's the importance of each point and the significance it has to you. Some might say that silencing their hallucinations with an anti-psychotic (as I do) is worth the weight gain side effects, others might say they'd rather listen to some voices than lose control of their appearance. It's so important to tailor methods to yourself. Don't accept the status quo. Don't think that because the usual method doesn't work for you then it's hopeless. Modify it to make it work for you. We aren't all robots; we weren't built the same. What works for one may not work for another but you don't give up; you keep going and you keep trying until something does work. Because it will. Eventually, it will.



Pancreatitis

If you've noticed my absence from the blog then apologies but I've been in the local medical hospital. About two weeks ago I begun feeling nauseous and went off my food, then a week ago I got a sort of dull ache in my upper stomach on the right hand side but I assumed it was from retching as I'd started vomiting daily. A Doctor asked me to go to the GP on Tuesday so I went along and she examined my stomach and the Nurse who'd came with me said I went white when the GP pressed the area most painful. My pulse was also quick which, she said was either de-hydration or pain. So, she advised our Ward Doctor book me an ultra-sound scan, blood tests, possibly a camera down my throat (I'd vomited blood on one occasion) and she changed my anti-sickness to a one that'd worked previously. She also told the Nurse that if it got worse I should go to the local medical hospital. Later that day, I vomited blood and that night the pain escalated. I was vomiting up my painkillers so we waited until the vomiting settled and I took an anti-sickness and then took all of my painkillers while the night Nurse rang the on-call Doctor. He advised I go to the medical hospital but they didn't have the staff. I was in tears for literally an hour and a half and I got so desperate and worried that I called my Mum and told her what was happening so that she could call the ward and try and sort it for me. I was so angry that just because one of our girls has been temporarily put on the PICU and has to have our staff sit with her, we didn't have the staff to take me to hospital to get rid of my stomach pain! The Nurse appeared in my room though before Mum had a chance to ring, and told me that they would definitely be taking me first thing in the morning after handover because there'd be more staff. My Mum still called the Nurse and told her it was horrible to hear me crying like that. As my pain, settled I thanked the Nurse and tried to sleep but it was a disturbed one and I kept waking up and needing more painkillers. When I needed more at 6am, the Nurse said that I should let it build up again for going into Hospital so they could see how bad it was, so I did and at 8am on the dot I got a knock on my door from an NA telling me she was taking me in the taxi. We got rushed through triage in A&E as my pulse was 131 (should be 70 odd) and the Doctor and a Consultant tried to put a cannula in but failed so I had oral painkillers (dihydrocodiene and paracetamol then Diclofenac) and x-rays (which were normal) and bloods (which clotted). I was moved to the assessment area of a ward and I saw a Doctor first and then a Surgeon and then the Consultant. They eventually decided I had an inflamed Gall Bladder and possibly stones so I was sent back to the psych Hospital with anti-biotics and an appointment for today to have the ultra-sound scan to see if I had stones. So, this morning I went in for my scan and we ended up waiting back in the assessment area of the ward from about half 10 'til 4pm! I finally seen the surgeon I'd saw yesterday and he told me I had pancreatitis then asked what medication I took so I gave him the name of the anti-psychotic (Aripiprazole) and he googled it! It turns out my pancreatitis is drug induced by that tablet! So, the Doctor said I'd have to stop it (gradually, you can't stop Aripiprazole straight off) and I almost cried. It's such a hassle changing medications; you have to come off one and go on another at once and you end up on a low dose of both while one still decreases and the other increases and neither is any use for a time. When we got back to the ward the Doctor spoke to me and said my meds will be reduced from 15mg to 10mg until Monday when it'll go to 5mg and that 'maybe at some point next week, we'll start you on another one!' I was shocked! She was going to leave me without an anti-psychotic?! Did she seriously think I could cope?! What the heck! I had actually been planning on asking for the Aripiprazole to be increased if anything! She told me they couldn't give me one while I took another and I said she could as she had when switching me from Olanzapine to the current one and she told me not to argue with her so I told her she'd better leave. So now, I'm panicking how I'll cope for a week with barely any meds but at least I know I have my PRN, I guess it'll be a test to make sure I should still be on medication. . .

The BMI

When I first came to this Hospital, I was technically underweight but I didn't see myself like that. Now I've been here almost eleven months and I've gained 20kgs. I  can tell because I've gone up a dress size in my tops and bottoms and I feel a lot curvier. It's all because of my medication; the anti-psychotic I take (Olanzapine) is notorious for causing weight gain and it means as little as I eat, I still don't drop the weight off as quickly as I would have done without the meds. Today, I had to go to the GP for a health check that all the patients have to have, and they did my weight. His computer figured out my BMI (Body Mass Index) is above the 'normal' range, only slightly but still... He said there was nothing to worry about because I seem healthy enough and I don't look overweight but it was still a massive knock to my confidence. I've been unhappy about my body since some of my clothes didn't fit and the new size ten clothes I was buying online weren't fitting. And, I'm not ashamed to admit it, I'd got so low as to cry when I showered because the en-suites here have a mirror almost directly in front of the shower on the opposite side of the bathroom. I have stretch marks which no amount of scar cream will improve and I feel constantly bloated.
So, on returning to the ward from the GP, I asked to speak to the Doctor and I cried and told her I wanted my medication changing. Since, I tongued (not swallowing) my medication when I first came I was tried on lots of different meds so her reply was 'not again.' I told her it was difficult for me because the meds were working so well. She told me she doubted I'd be taken off them because she didn't think I was ready to get through things alone and especially now psychotherapy is in the not so distant future. She suggested referring me to a dietician and for me to use the gym more often and agreed we could discuss things in Ward Round on Thursday but I thought about it. I spoke to the girl I'm closest to and she said she thinks I look healthier now than I did when I came in and that she'd describe me as 'curvy' and that isn't a bad thing. It was nice because others have just told me to stop being stupid which isn't very helpful whereas, she validated my feelings and told me her own opinion. We talked for quite a while about it and when I thought about it I decided it wasn't such a massive sacrifice to make for the happiness I have now the meds are working and the safety I have. And also, the plan would be to slowly decrease my meds when I'm due to finish psychology so it's not like I'm on these meds for the rest of my life. And, when I get discharged (without medication) I can do as much activities as I like and I'll be rushed off my feet with College and hopefully I'll have a job so the weight will just drop off! And then the girl I spoke to pointed out that she can't remember the last time I saw rabbits (visual hallucination) and I realised that rather than the 2 or 3 I often had following me around, I now have none and the voices are so close to silent I can easily ignore them and when they're bad they're not as bad as usual. Being a size 12 is SO worth it!!