Rebecca Lombardo (the author of this guest post) is best known for her book: It's Not Your Journey, her writing for The Huffington Post and The Mighty and the podcast she Co-Hosts: Voices for Change.
This post is one of three that Rebecca has kindly submitted in celebration of I'm NOT Disordered exceeding a quarter of a million readers! THANK YOU EVERYONE!
ENJOY...
ENJOY...
Rebecca Lombardo: http://www.rebeccalombardo.com/
Rebecca's Twitter: https://twitter.com/BekaLombardo
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bekalombardo/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEoyO6kjuytYquAmZLWt7MQ
Often when it comes to the world of mental health
advocacy, you find that you stumble into it head-first, having no idea how you
got there. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just unexpected, and it takes a while to get your
footing. Suddenly, you realize you didn’t leave yourself a trail of breadcrumbs to find your way back out, just in
case it all becomes too much for you. As
much of an honour as it is to help fight
against the stigma of mental illness and to be the voice of the voiceless, it
can be exhausting and time-consuming.
Sometimes your personal feelings fall by the wayside
because you’re so focused on the care of others. I know at least in my
situation, I’m terrified that one day I may have a serious setback again that
requires hospitalization. What does that say to all of the people that have
read my book or followed me on Twitter as I declare, you can do this! You are a warrior!
Do I look like a hypocrite telling them to keep fighting
as I’m curled up in the fetal position having not showered in 3 days? The whole
concept makes me feel like a giant failure. There have been times when I have
had to step back or not get involved in certain situations, not because I
didn’t care but because I needed to protect myself. I’ve seen some backlash
from those experiences, but I can’t let that get to me. As I’ve often stated,
I’m not a professional with a degree, and I’m
certainly not getting paid to offer my
advice, so unfortunately, there will be
times when I am not 100% dialled in.
Which leads me to my next point. How do
you cope with being an advocate when a loved one dies? In this case, it was my father, and I am devastated. It’s only been about five days. There are times
when being online helps me keep my mind occupied, so I’m not perpetually in grief mode.
At the same time, it can be incredibly difficult because you can’t participate
to the fullest, so you feel as if whatever headway you made is lost. You sit
back and watch as others are offered
opportunities, or people are looking for writers for a story, etc. and you just
have to allow yourself to say no. No matter how disappointed you feel.
Don’t get me wrong; this
is not a competition. We’re all on the same team, but there are times when
you’re struggling, and you just have to
sit this one out, and my brain has a real problem with that.
Last night, I sat down in front of the computer to try
to get a few things done. Before long, I realized I had been sitting there
staring at it for about 5 minutes, with no idea what I was doing. I couldn’t
remember a single thing I needed or wanted to do, and I just completely lost
it. I had a horrible panic attack that originated in my arms; similar to that
pins and needles feeling when a body part falls asleep on you. I had to drag
myself away and hope that my brain would be functioning better today. To a certain degree, it is, but I still feel a
nagging sense of panic.
I have things to accomplish today, such as this blog.
I’ve had the first two paragraphs written for three weeks. I like to think that
both my mom and my dad would want me to keep pushing forward to get to my goal.
I wish my mom could see me now. The person I’ve become. I know my dad was
proud, he told me so. I think she would be too.
So, as I take this little mental health break, I need
to try to understand that it’s OK to step away for a while. Even though we were
right in the middle of a whole bunch of projects, I’ll never learn how to
process grief if I don’t take some time to do it.
You may see me stumble and even fall for a little
while, and somehow I’m going to have to be OK with that. I hope you can be as
well.
A little while before my father got so sick, I started
a hashtag on Twitter #KeepTalkingMH I
think it’s appropriate for not only the month of May,(being Mental Health
Awareness Month) but for mental health in general. While I step back and focus
on me for a little while, don’t think I’m not terrified that it will get swept
under the rug and never heard of again. If I think long enough, I can find a vast
array of topics to cause me yet another panic attack. So, it begs the question:
Is being an advocate giving me additional pressures or am I burdening myself
with additional pressures because I’m an advocate?
I personally think it’s both.
So, I’m off to attempt to enjoy a day of nice weather and try not to struggle too much with my grief. It’s going to be a long road, but I’ve been on it before.
So, I’m off to attempt to enjoy a day of nice weather and try not to struggle too much with my grief. It’s going to be a long road, but I’ve been on it before.
For more on Rebecca's personal journey visit: http://www.rebeccalombardo.com/about
And to buy Rebecca's book visit: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0692509739/ref=cm_sw_su_dp
And to buy Rebecca's book visit: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0692509739/ref=cm_sw_su_dp
