In planning and putting this post together, I realised that my last reader milestone was on my Instagram in February 2024 celebrating 1.3 million readers (you can see the Instagram Reel here) and that this means I’ve had over 100,000 readers in five months… Now, to put into context why I see this as such a WIN(!), when I first started blogging in 2013, I celebrated my first 100,000 (I even had a party, which you can read about here!) after TWO YEARS! These statistics got me thinking about whether this means I’m working harder than I was all those years ago and that became one of the inspirations for this blog post where I’ll be putting a lot more thought into what exactly this increase in readers means and how it has occurred…
In my previous
post, I talked about acceptance in connection with hallucinations and
something I said has inspired this post: ‘…people reading this who have never
hallucinated might not understand…’ It’s quite a common belief in mental health
service users; that those on the ‘outside’ looking in will never understand
what they are going through. I think that in fairness, those on the ‘inside’
might never understand what it is like for the people looking in. I’m not going
to lie, it’s taken me a long time to be able to see it from both sides because I
was so caught up in what was happening to me that when it/I was misunderstood,
I’d get angry and defensive. Natural though, right? Like, anyone would be like
that if they felt insulted… no matter what the situation.
I really hope that this post does
a couple of things: I hope that it doesn’t just tell ‘outsiders’ what not to
say but that it also tells them why they might be met with a certain reaction
when they do say these things; because I don’t believe they always mean to be
offensive. I also hope that it offers some assurance to the ‘insiders’ that
they aren’t the only ones these things are being said to, and that they aren’t
the only ones to feel insulted by them.
Since my first day (over a week ago!) of my
Digital Marketing internship with Docere, I’ve been toying with the idea of
writing a blog post about it because it’s become such a huge part of my life that
I just obviously want to share it with you all. So, I’ve been trying to think
of ways to… wangle it into I’m NOT Disordered, and the inspiration came when I talked
about the internship with my Mum…
I first found the vacancy on the Indeed site and it was just one of those jobs where I applied… just for the
hell of it to be honest! I thought I’d apply on the off chance that I’d get an
interview and get some more experience in interviewing. I think that
realistically, I didn’t believe I was in any way ready to work but it felt nice
to feel like I was giving myself the opportunity. When I got an email from
Docere and it began ‘we’d firstly like to apologize’ so I just sighed, but then
I read on ‘for the delay in responding to your application…’ And I had a little
cheer when I read that I’d been shortlisted for an interview! I’d applied for
so many positions in one night that I had to look back through the job
description on Indeed! When I discovered that it was one I was actually
interested in so far as to that I wished I was ready to take it on.
It’s
my God-Daughter’s Fourth Birthday very soon and it had me thinking about the
things I wish she could know now to save from her having to learn them the hard
way – through experience…
(I
decided to throw in some light-hearted lessons too because otherwise, it wasn't going to be a very fun post!)
1.Your heart has to be broken to strengthen it
It’s
no secret that I went through a very monumentus relationship break-up last year
(2018) and I remember in the early days of it, I would have panic attacks
whenever I thought about what had happened. Finally, though, I can see that the
heart does repair and even though you might still be able to see the cracks,
the rest of it will be stronger than before.
2.It’s
impossible to not receive ‘junk’ emails
I’m
one of those people who religiously goes through her junk e’mail inbox every time
I check my e’mails because I can’t stand it saying that I have sixty-odd unread
messages! I think the only way you could ever avoid spam would be by not being
online at all!
3.Asking for
help doesn’t make you weak
To
learn this lesson you’ll have your determination and independence tested. I was
someone who wouldn’t ask for help; no matter how dire the situation! Sometimes
that meant insignificant situations like being lost and refusing to Google Map
directions; and sometimes it meant not wanting to ring the Crisis Team when I
was hallucinating. Through my mental health, I’ve learnt that needing to ask for
help isn’t something to be ashamed of; in fact, it takes a lot of strength to
do so.
-Professor Lupin, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
TW: self-harm
For such a long time I felt this overwhelming, powerful, uncontrollable
anger towards my abuser and really, the entirety of the abuse, for so many reasons
that it felt like I was drowning in it.
I was angry that someone could be capable of doing what he had. I
was angry at myself for not fighting back each and every time. I was angry that
I was lying to my Mum, that I wasn’t in control, that he wasn’t being punished
for doing something wrong, and that I couldn’t think of an instance where I’d
deserved all of this.
Like a lot of things around
the abuse, I feel as though there aren’t enough words in the world to allow
someone the ability to comprehend just how powerful this anger was. So, to put
it into – perhaps – an easier emotion to understand; it’s like when you’re so
happy that you smile at everyone you see. Or when you’re so proud of an
achievement that you want to tell the world about it…? It’s almost as though when
any emotion is overwhelming, you have to share it. So why should something like
anger be any different? I felt as though it was spilling over and out of my
head; landing on other people. But really, it was me. I was putting my anger on
others; I felt like I had to because at the time, it was the only way I thought
I could cope with it all.
So, something happened the other day. Something always happens!
After all, without something happening, would there even be a blog post?!
I got an email from Amazon to say that someone had reported that
the contents of my book were freely available online and so I may not have the
publishing rights. I mean, where are the words? Of course, I replied with an
astounded ‘it’s-definitely-my-work-and-I-can-prove-it’ e’mail before I had a
huge cry!
How could someone be so… spiteful? A lot of people use the word
jealous – saying that others tear you down because they’re actually jealous of
your success, your looks, your personality, your style, your hair… But as
someone who has regularly had people make assumptions of my emotions and
behaviours, I don’t want to presume that’s how this person feels; jealousy is
quite a strong word and conjures up many accusations against a person’s
character so let’s not go there!
1.“Now we just have to survive
this blizzard” – Frozen
Sadness
and suicidal thoughts are cold. They make you cold towards others because your
insides are so overwhelmingly freezing that you can’t help but let them spill
over when you’re interacting with other people. It doesn’t matter who those
people are. When your insides are so cold that you’re in an internal, permanent
blizzard; you don’t care – no! It’s not that you don’t care… there’s no choice
about whether to care or not. It’s not like you’ve decided not to! It’s more
about it not being there at all. That warmth is gone and some days all you can
do is breathe. Survive.
I’ve
just gotten to the ward from A&E and separating myself from the voices is
hard.
That’s
probably an understatement – it is near impossible.
But
I can do it. When they aren’t horrendously loud and I’m not massively tired; I can
do it.
Being
in Cygnet Hospital (Bierley) for two and a half years taught me a lot; and one
lesson I did learn was to always try my hardest to fight these auditory
hallucinations. Cygnet gave me new, safe, and healthy coping skills and I use
all of them. Sometimes they’re enough. Sometimes they are not. But I try. The
point is, I try. I don’t – though it might seem this way – go straight to the
paracetamol and self-harm.
In
a – perhaps twisted – way, this is a bad thing because it makes me feel
enormously hopeless when all my new coping skills don’t work. And I feel like
maybe it’s time to rely on other people to keep me safe and to help me to
quieten the voices. I can only do so much myself and if others can’t give me
that support, then I worry – and genuinely believe – I will die.
Join
me for a chat about how essential it is to blow your own trumpet when trying to
move up the ladder in the blogging world.
I think that it’s something I’ve learnt through my blogging career
because to get opportunities in this industry, you have to tell others about
you/your blog’s achievements in order to secure collaborations and – let’s face
it – gifts! Some bloggers talk about how their numbers (in so far as their
amount of readers) don’t matter to them, and it’s made to sound like those who
say they do are… blogging for the wrong reason, perhaps? As though you’re only
blogging for popularity and not because you enjoy it or benefit from it. Of
course, this isn’t true. The popularity of my blog is really important to me
but those of you who know me or have followed I’m NOT Disordered for a while
will know how much I enjoy blogging, all of the opportunities that come with
it, and what a hugely positive impact it has on my life/mental health.
Isn’t
it strange that hearing two voices can make you feel so alone? You’d think it’d
be the opposite – that they’d be good company. Or at least, company!
Instead,
it makes you feel like you’re the only person in the entire world I guess that,
in a way, you are.
Because
it’s the entire point of auditory hallucinations; you’re the only person who
could hear what you do. Except when you’re listening to this voice – or these
voices – telling you all of the worst things that you think about yourself, and
more(!) it’s hard to keep that perspective.
I
mean, how could you possibly keep in mind that you may be the only person what
you are but you aren’t the only person in the world; with 1 in 4 people
experiencing mental health problems at least once in their life.
It’s
hard though, being the only person to hear Annie and Albert makes me questions ‘why
me?’ ‘Why am I the only person to hear them?’ ‘Why did they choose me?’
It will come as no surprise to many of you for me to say that I’m
very well experienced in hospital admissions; both medical and psychiatric. So
this advice and top tips are based on both types of hospitals and hopefully
I’ll cover a variety of situations surrounding your admission.
Before my mental health illness, I had problems with ovarian cysts
and was hospitalised for those several times. But mostly, my medical admissions
stemmed from psychiatric reasons such as suicide attempts – namely paracetamol
overdoses. The antidote treatment usually lasts almost twenty-four hours so the
hospital admission is fairly lengthy and, inevitably, challenging. Often, I’d
struggle with the auditory hallucinations telling me to refuse treatment, run
away from the Hospital, or further hurt myself. Unsurprisingly, physical
hospital admissions provided me with experiences of mental health stigma. Many
A&E Doctors and Nurses have little training in mental health and aren’t
best equipped in supporting a person through a crisis.
It's
no secret that I've been having a shitty time recently...
Oh wait!
It
kind of has been...
I
wouldn't say I'd made a conscious decision not to talk about it on
social media or on I'm NOT Disordered; but I've definitely held myself back
whenever I've automatically gone to tweet about things…
On
Monday night (the 5th), I self-harmed - I paid a visit to A&E and had thirteen stitches. Just saying that sentence
makes me cringe slightly. The most common question, so far, by those I’ve told;
has been “why?” or “what do you think caused that?”
In
this post, I’d like to discuss my ten favourite women in the world, and why
they’re such an inspiration to me.
My
Mum
This
was an obvious one for me; my Mum and I are very close, and she has been one of
my biggest supporters through my mental health struggles and recovery. My Mum
is hugely independent; she has to have at least one hundred goes at doing
something herself before she asks for help! If I am half the Mother she is when
I have children, then my kids will be very lucky!
My
Aunt
I
don’t talk about my Aunt often on my blog because she lives in Dubai but she
makes the most incredible effort to keep in touch with the whole UK family. My
Aunt is very family oriented and, in a family, where drama should be our
surname, that takes a lot of strength! We’ll always be bonded by the fact that
we were the only two unable to say goodbye to my Nana. That’s a horrible thing
to have in common but it’s also a very powerful thing.
I recently started re-watching Greys Anatomy with Ronnie (who has never seen it before) and it inspired me to write this post! If you haven't seen Greys Anatomy you can still read the post but I recommend you buy the DVDs!! Hopefully one day soon it'll be on Netflix!
“Knowing is better than
wondering. Waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even
the worst, beats the hell out of never trying.”
-Meredith Grey
People
talk about attempting suicide – or self-harming – as ‘the easy way.’ And
‘giving in.’ When instead, it takes everything you have to fight the human
instinct to survive. We are not built to hurt ourselves, we’re built to fight.
Or flight. Not to ‘give in.’ Personally though, I think it takes a hell of a
lot more work to come back from that brink. To wake up and try.
The first thing that was said when I began experiencing
auditory hallucinations (in the form of a voice that I named ‘Albert’) was that
I should commit suicide. Every day for almost two weeks Albert would tell me I
was worthless, useless, and pointless; and that my death, would be a welcome
relief for everyone in my life. I say ‘two weeks’ because that was how long it
took for me to do what I was being told; hoping for peace and silence in my
head if it worked. I overdosed in early 2009 and was immediately sectioned
under the Mental Health Act when my attempt was not successful.
I’m
no travel blogger; so I figured that to tell you guys about my recent trip to
Scarborough with Ronnie (my Fiancé), and show you some of the many photos that he took, I’d talk about
something the trip taught me: mistakes and regrets.
I am not a stranger
to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are
But I won't let
them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest
words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Another round of
bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are…
Another round of
bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)
I won't let them
break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
- This Is Me - Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman
So
recently, I went to the cinema with one of my bestfriend’s (and bridesmaid),
Lauren; to see The Greatest Showman. I don’t want to include any spoilers, so
I’ll just say… it was incredible!
But
also… in it, Hugh Jackman plays a man who, massively, invests (not just
financially) in his ideas. When others tell him he’s wrong, or try to take
something away from his successes, he stands up to them and refuses to minimise
or ignore his dreams and imagination.
I’m sure this it quite common for writers/bloggers; but I can draw
inspiration for blog posts from the random of things. This post comes from a
‘challenge’ doing its rounds on Facebook. Every day for seven days, you’re
meant to post a black and white photo. It can’t be of a person and you can’t
explain it in the photo description/wall post. You also have to nominate
someone on day one (you’ll have been nominated yourself from someone else,
obviously!) to keep the challenge rolling.
Obviously, you’ve seen the title to this post I’m sure there’s no
need to point it out, but the ‘black and white’ aspect of the challenge
inspired me to write about black and white thinking.
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