JOIN A RAPE & ABUSE SURVIVOR AT A HUGE GYNAE APPOINTMENT | VLOG & A COLLABORATION WITH AMAZON UK INCLUDED!

 

I found a strength I've never known
I've been thrown out, I've been burned

When I'm finished, they won't even know your name

You brought the flames, and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself

Ke$ha – Praying

On May 2^nd, I had to attend an appointment with Gynaecology to discuss having my smear under a general anaesthetic. I decided to film the day for two reasons: the first, was to provide empathy and advice to other survivors and those in a similar situation. The second reason was to give insight to those who judge people for not having this procedure. My general message from this? Don’t judge a person’s journey, when you haven’t walked in their shoes. In case there are people out there who are interested in this experience and don’t want to or can’t watch videos, I thought I would write a quick blog post about it too and managed to get a collaboration with Amazon UK for it! At the end, however, I’ve still also inserted the entire vlog from YouTube…

THE FIRST THREE MONTHS OF THE SHAKE MY HAND CAMPAIGN

You might remember, I wrote a blog post launching my brand-new media campaign; Shake My Hand on the date of its website reveal; June 17^th (if you missed it, you can read it here), and now – over two months later – I thought I’d give you all an update. I actually really enjoyed myself when I was going through all the social media posts, website articles, emails, and documents that have evolved and been created in the time since that blog post on the 17^th! It was pretty amazing to see just how much has been done and accomplished in that space of time, so this feels like a nice little post to hopefully highlight the power of hard work, passion, dedication, and determination…

HOW STAYING PRODUCTIVE WITH THE SHAKE MY HAND CAMPAIGN IS SAVING MY LIFE | WORLD SUICIDE PREVENTION DAY 2024

You may remember that a number of months ago (June) I wrote a blog post launching my new media Campaign; Shake My Hand (you can read the post here: MY JOURNEY TO CREATE A MEDIA CAMPAIGN | CELEBRATING THE OFFICIAL LAUNCH OF SHAKE MY HAND’S WEBSITE | ad | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)) so in addition to writing the content for World Suicide Prevention Day 2024 (WSPD) over on the Shake My Hand website (www.shakemyhandcampaign.com), I thought ‘how could I not write something for my own blog?!’ I also recognised that my news article for the Campaign was of a completely different angle than I would write for I’m NOT Disordered, but at the same time, I still wanted to incorporate Shake My Hand in this post. So, I’ve decided to talk about how staying productive with the Campaign is saving my life…

A COLLABORATION TEASER: WHY IT’S OK TO REWARD YOURSELF | COME ONLINE SHOPPING WITH ME ON WARDOW

“Shopping is a way of life. It’s the way I treat myself.”

Sarah Jessica Parker

As you might know from a two-part series (part one is here and part two is here) I published recently with St Oswald’s Hospice, I’ll be working on a huge collaboration with the charity that will be published on July 15^th 2024 and you’ll – hopefully! – be excited to know that across these three weeks prior to that, I’ll be publishing a couple of ‘Collaboration Teasers!’ With a huge part of the St Oswald’s Hospice collaboration being centred around the opening of the charity’s new retail store in Blyth (you can find all the details of that store here), I thought I’d make these Collaboration Teasers themed on retail and, more specifically, online shopping! So, for this Collaboration Teaser, I’ll be chatting through why it’s absolutely fine to reward yourself and then there’ll be some bits of my shopping on Wardow scattered throughout…

MY JOURNEY TO CREATE A MEDIA CAMPAIGN | CELEBRATING THE OFFICIAL LAUNCH OF SHAKE MY HAND’S WEBSITE | ad

So, I’ve decided to take a bit of a backwards move to what I had originally been planning to do. So that rather than have absolutely everything ironed out and then simply announce the creation of my brand-new media Campaign, I’ve decided to chat through the entire creation journey that has led to the Campaign’s website launch TODAY…

www.shakemyhandcampaign.com

Facebook: Shake My Hand Campaign

Twitter: @ShakeMyHandUK

Instagram: @shakemyhandUK

PICKING APART FOUR ABUSE POSTS | MARKING SEVENTEEN YEARS SINCE THE ABUSE ‘ENDED’

“It is through that brokenness that we find courage and strength. It is what empowers us to do great things.”

K. S. Ruff

In deciding to once again mark the anniversary of the ‘end’ of the abuse I experienced (April 20^th but I thought I’d put this post up now), I knew I’d set myself a challenge because with I’m NOT Disordered now being over eleven years old(!), there has been ample amount of time to have created and published numerous posts about the abuse. Which, for thinking about this post, had me asking myself: ‘will there even be any angles left that I haven’t written from?!’ And, when I searched ‘abuse’ in my post archive, I wasn’t at all surprised – and felt completely validated – to see an enormous list of blog posts of various points of view, using different approaches, and with numerous inspirations! As I scanned through them and found myself developing thoughts, feelings, and opinions on each, I finally thought of the idea for this post… I’m going to start with a few tips on how to cope with reading about abuse (for obvious reasons!), and then I’ve chosen the four abuse posts I remember most, and I’ve picked them apart – talked through my favourite bits, parts I’d like to change, any differences between their publication date and today, and things I’ve learnt from the posts…

I’M TURNING 33!!!

*This post is a bit of a follow-in from my previous post where I picked apart some of my Birthday blog posts, you can read it here*

Unfortunately – or fortunately, depending on how you look at it – there’s a huge mental health awareness date (Time To Talk Day) taking place on my actual Birthday of February 1^st, and since I have a really special piece of content already lined up to mark that date; I thought I’d post my Birthday blog posts beforehand. Now, a genuine ‘unfortunately,’ is that due to a new commitment (which I can’t quite talk about just yet) I’m unable to complete the thought behind my Birthday posts which was to split all my Birthday blog posts up and go through each of them talking about the bits that stand out, what has changed, what’s stayed the same… So, in addition to the previous blog post I’ve linked at the beginning of this one, I managed to write about my 26^th Birthday blog post and then I’ve put together a little reel at the end of the post…

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO INTERACTING WITH ABUSE SURVIVORS | (THE FINAL) PART THREE

You can read the first part of this series: 

http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2023/04/the-ultimate-guide-to-interacting-with.html

You can read the second part of this series:

http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2023/05/the-ultimate-guide-to-interacting-with.html

I’m proud of who I am,

No more monsters, I can breathe again,

And you said that I was done

Well, you were wrong and now, the best is yet to come

Kesha – Praying

Almost every time I’ve told someone I was abused there has been a comment along the lines of “I’m so sorry…” and in all honesty, no matter who the person or what the situation, it’s never really something I want to hear. I don’t tell people about it because I want them to feel sorry for me. I totally recognise that this comment or attitude is typically meant with the best intentions and is usually absolutely genuine; it can just still feel a bit condescending and patronising… I think it’s kind of similar to one of those things where sometimes the context of it doesn’t matter; it’s like you just almost automatically react/respond.

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT REPORTING ABUSE | MY JOURNEY THROUGH THE PROCESS, ADVICE, & HELPFUL RESOURCES

Inspired by the recent news story of ‘Andrew’ being removed from his royalty and military titles and ordered to answer to charges around sexual abuse in the US, I began considering how the survivor must feel to have received all of this news. Then, thinking about that, has led to this post about my journey through reporting the abuse I experienced, how I coped when my abuser told the Police he was completely innocent, advice I’d give, and some helpful resources…

“WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG?”

The very first time my abuser hurt me, I fought back, and I screamed. When he clamped a hot, sweaty hand over my mouth and muttered some very believable threats, I immediately knew that it wasn’t going to be the first time he did this. And that from that moment on, I couldn’t tell a single person about it.

And I was right on both counts. Firstly, the abuse continued for maybe three or four occasions per week for the following six months. And secondly, I didn’t tell a soul for that entire time because ironically, the longer I stayed quiet, the more opportunity I had to come up with even more reasons not to report it…

1.       My abuser’s threats that he’d physically hurt me and/or have me kicked out of school

2.       The doubt that anyone would actually believe me

3.       The thought that I deserved it

4.       Wondering why anyone would even care

5.       The worry of what my Mum would do to him(!)

And the list could go on!

COME ALONG WITH ME TO MY FIRST SMEAR | HAVING A SMEAR AFTER RAPE & ABUSE

*this post includes a vlog at the end so please stick it out!*

The reason this is all happening:

Every day I’m NOT Disordered has so many views from new readers and so, to cater to any newbies, I thought I’d explain why having a smear is even a difficulty for me…

When I was fifteen, someone I had appreciated and who everyone else respected and admired, began hurting me (the ‘hurt’ being defined as sexual abuse and one instance of rape). For legal reasons, I can’t name him or even his career because apparently that would be an identifiable detail; but I can say that he was in a position of power and had a huge amount of control and influence over a massively important part of my life.

The influence of Jade Goody…

The first time I can remember becoming aware of smears was when Jade Goody died in 2009 after her Cervical Cancer spread to other areas of her body… Before Jade’s death, there was a trend in the UK with the decline of smears in women between 25 and 29 years old; but when her diagnosis was publicised, medical authorities reported a surge in smear requests from young women. As a result of this, the government health ministers reviewed England’s NHS policy not to screen for Cervical Cancer until the age of 25, even though it was set to 20 in the rest of the UK – the review didn’t change things though: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cervical-screening/when-youll-be-invited/  

Smear shaming & why there should be no place for it:

So, even though I was only 18 at the time of Jade’s death, the publicity surrounding it was everywhere – to the point that it was hard to ignore, and hard to remember it wasn’t exactly relevant to me and my age. Ironically – but kind of predictably – even being over two years since the abuse had started and I had been raped, I hadn’t noticed anything in the media about those topics; which meant that whilst everyone was concentrating on the importance of screening for Cervical Cancer, there wasn’t a whole lot out there about why some may struggle to undergo such a procedure.

TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE WHERE I WAS

With recently reaching one year of being free of self-harm, I asked on social media whether anyone had something they wish they could have told their self, one year ago and was flooded with private messages! And those messages were the inspiration for this post. A reason to consider what I wanted to say to all the people who were in the various places – both mentally and physically – that I have been…

To those psychiatric hospital inpatients…

Having spent many admissions in psychiatric hospitals, and with my longest admission being for over two years, I feel I have a decent amount of insight into the experiences of psychiatric hospital inpatients. So, I completely appreciate that you are so vulnerable to witnessing some upsetting, scary scenes with other inpatients and the staff on the ward. There’s actually like an entire movement of services and professionals who campaign and spread the word that being hospitalised can end up being a whole new trauma and a catalyst to actually worsen your mental health. So please know that I – and lots of others – can appreciate your position and the things you might hear and see.

To get through horrible psychiatric hospital admissions, I used two coping skills:

1.      Concentrate on you – as ‘easy’ as it can be to build friendships with fellow inpatients, remember that you’re in there for your own reasons

2.      Use the poor environment as a reason to be discharged – this could help drive you to engage with staff and your treatment plans and speed up your discharge

To those collecting their psychiatric medication from the pharmacy…

ALL THE QUESTIONS ABUSE BRINGS UP

We are problems that want to be solved,

We are children that need to be loved,

We were willing, we came when you called

But man, you fooled us, enough is enough,

What about us?

P!nk – What About Us

For me, abuse raised a lot of questions in my head – and sometimes out loud! – which I often, couldn’t find an agreeable answer. Sometimes, my answers would be deemed as ‘wrong’ by professionals, and sometimes professionals would give me answers which I didn’t believe or agree with. So, here are some of my questions and the answers which I either ‘correctly’ came to myself, or which have been provided by professionals.

When did it even begin?!

The abuse I went through started so slightly and so quietly that hearing a ‘pin drop’ would’ve been a definite possibility. And it’s actually really strange that this is the case, because a part of me is really validated that since it had such a tiny start, it makes sense that no one realised what was happening to me.

When I eventually reported my abuse to the Police (which I’ll talk about later) they told me that the beginning of my abuse was ‘grooming’ so I guess I’ll start there…

Whilst I can’t tell you my abuser’s name, (which I’ll also talk about later!) I can tell you that he was in a position of power and that even without the abuse; he had a certain level of control and responsibility in my life. This meant two things: Firstly, that he was trusted and respected by so many people. Secondly, that those beginning instances of ‘grooming’ weren’t completely unheard of in others in his profession.

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE MEDIA & MENTAL HEALTH | IN COLLABORATION WITH TIME TO CHANGE STORYCAMP 2020

The latest theme for Time To Change StoryCamp 2020 is mental health and the media and I thought it might be a good opportunity to talk about my own experiences with the topic, the positives and negatives I’ve discovered, and my advice on dealing with those negatives of the media…

My first memory of the media

I guess that my first real recollection of the media and the impact it could have on the world was when my cartoons were paused to break the news of the death of Princess Diana in 1997 – when I was just six years old! I guess this meant that the first thing I learnt was that horrific stories could put a stop to fun and laughter. They could over-rule them, take priority and become the focus for everyone. I also saw how media can influence your feelings in projecting emotions appropriate to the content. Finally, with the circumstances of the Princess’s death being around photographers chasing her car (I realise this is debateable!) I saw the impact the media can have on a more practical level and that once you’re in the ‘spotlight’ you can almost completely lose any sense of privacy.



The lack of content on some topics

My next thoughts on the media have come through the abuse I experienced when I was 15. In 2006, when the abuse started, I felt that there weren’t a whole lot of stories in the media about abuse and rape. The lack of this content meant that the only reason I suspected what was happening to me was wrong was because it hurt so much! The absence of these stories also meant that I felt so alone in my experiences and thought I was literally the only person in the world who had ever been raped or abused. Feeling lonely with something like that can be so debilitating because you’re thinking that you can’t talk to someone as they won’t be able to empathise, understand, or identify in any way.

There was also a huge lack for content on mental health, suicide, and self-harm back then which meant that I was absolutely terrified when I started experiencing hallucinations and thoughts to self-harm and attempt suicide. I think that it stemmed from the fact that without any information to the contrary, I thought if I told anyone what I was experiencing and feeling I’d be locked away in a psychiatric hospital and medicated! I also didn’t know who I would even talk to in terms of professionals. Like, I didn’t realise you could speak to your GP or even that you could have therapy on the NHS.

THE RECOVERY TOOLKIT BOOK TOUR | RELATING TO THE BOOK & A COMPETITION

TW: this post contains discussion of abuse

Book blurb:

‘Have you left an abusive relationship?

Are you still carrying guilt?

Do you still think what happened to you was your fault?

Do you find dealing with new people in your life something to be scared about?

If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to the above questions you are not alone.

Many people who leave an abusive relationship behind are affected by that former relationship in many different ways. Perhaps you feel guilty when making decisions on your own? You may worry about what motivates others to befriend you? Maybe your children are having to re-learn who it is that’s the adult in the room now that your ex-partner has gone from their lives.

If this all sounds familiar then The Recovery Toolkit is the book for you. Written in an easy and accessible style, the book will take you on a journey that is part discovery, part guide.’

‘To start with, congratulations you are an amazing person. What? How can I say that as I have never met you?’

I was approached on Twitter to be one of a few Bloggers who were given an exclusive preview to The Recovery Toolkit and initially, I was sceptical that it’d be relevant to me personally as the book is a twelve week plan to support a person’s journey through Domestic Abuse. Then, in the book’s preface, the Author – Sue Penna, quotes George Orwell with “knowledge is power” and I realized that I could actually, probably take many things from this book!

TIME TO CHANGE STORYCAMP 2020 THEME TWO: THREE THINGS

Every two weeks from June 1^st until August 24^th 2020, Time To Change will be giving those who have signed up to StoryCamp, a theme to use as inspiration to create content on. This fortnight, the theme is ‘three things…’ and I couldn’t decide on one topic I’d like you to know three things about so here are thirteen…!!

Three Things You Should Know About Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

1.       Having the same diagnosis does not mean everyone with BPD has the same symptoms.

2.       Those diagnosed with BPD are not attention seekers

3.       Even mental health staff have a stigma against those with BPD

Three Things You Should Know About Being Sectioned

1.       It feels like you have a sign on your head telling everyone you’re detained under the Mental Health Act

LESSONS LEARNT ABOUT RAPE & ABUSE | 13 YEARS SINCE MY ABUSE ‘ENDED'

TW: discussion of self-harm & suicide

I was sat on the bathroom floor with sharps in front of me and a strange, but sadly familiar, feeling in my entire body. My head felt full to the brim with thoughts to self-harm and an intense anger was gripping my heart. The scariest thing was that I didn’t know why, until I looked at my phone and saw the date; April 20^th. It was almost as though my mind and body were so well-adjusted to marking this day in some fashion every single year since 2007, that without even consciously noting the date, I still knew what it was!


Realizing the date, I found myself being left with a decision to make; should I go ahead and cut, or should I throw the sharps away and write a blog post about it?! Of course, I chose the latter, and not because it was the ‘easiest’ answer or the most straight-forward and without so many possible complications. I chose it because I had a choice and where there’s a choice, I will never choose self-harm anymore. If I’ve self-harmed in recent times, then it’s because I’ve felt it was the only coping mechanism robust enough to deal with whatever I was experiencing at that time.

THE POWER OF ‘NO’ AFTER RAPE

Trigger Warning: This post will contain discussion of rape and sexual abuse, if these topics are upsetting then please don’t read this post. If the topics become upsetting, then please seek professional support and advice!

You've got the words to change a nation
But you're biting your tongue
You've spent a life-time stuck in silence
Afraid you'll say something wrong

Emeli Sande – Read All About It

This piece was inspired by a little something one of my inspirations; Victoria from the blog and YouTube channel; InTheFrow. You can read her piece about the importance of saying ‘no’ to things like favors for people, event invitations, and other tasks and opportunities, here. The piece left me thinking about just how powerful saying ‘no’ can be to someone who has experienced the ultimate act of betrayal. The one act where ‘no’ is so essential that without it, the act becomes a crime…

In 2018 the Director of Public Prosecutions; Alison Saunders, made the heinous comment that unless you have clearly said ‘no’ to sex, it is not rape. You know when you’ve had this thought in your head and literally everyone has told you that it isn’t true and not to worry about it? Then someone confirms that thought and agrees with it? And it completely throws you because now you question the reliability of all the people who reassured you of the opposite?! One of the many reasons why I didn’t report the six-month-long abuse and one instance of rape any sooner was because I couldn’t remember ever saying ‘no’ or ever fighting back or screaming for help. I worried – no, I obsessed over – this fact and that if I were to tell someone, their response would be that I should’ve done one of those things in order for it all to have been illegal. I think that the utter shock that something that was rarely talked about at that time (2006)

WHY I SPEAK UP ABOUT RAPE AND ABUSE

I wanna sing, I wanna shout.
I wanna scream till the words dry out.
So put it in all of the papers, I'm not afraid.
They can read all about it, read all about it, oh.

Nothing to hide
Stife and I smother
Suffered and cried
Strife made me tougher

Emeli Sande – Read All About It

I hope that there are some people out there who’ll read that title and say; ‘why shouldn’t she speak up?’ but I’m more confident that there’s people saying ‘yes, why the hell do you talk about it?!’

When the abuse started in 2006, I couldn’t – for one second – imagine telling over half a million people about it; I couldn’t imagine even telling one person! In the very early days, I didn’t even recognize that what he was doing was wrong; I only knew that it felt wrong and the absence of sex education and media stories about abuse and rape, meant that I didn’t even know what it was called. I hadn’t heard those words before; I didn’t know what they meant. I didn’t know that what he was doing to me had a name and because of that, I didn’t know that I wasn’t the only person in the world being hurt in this way. Of course, all of these things would have changed if I’d just taken the chance and spoke up. 

His promises that no one would believe me and my own worry that if people did believe me, they would think I’d deserved it, made me completely reluctant to tell anyone what was happening though. I was already having suicidal thoughts about jumping from a building or overdosing and I knew that if I told someone and one of those possibilities happened then it would be enough to just tip me over the edge and solidify my belief that dying would be the only escape from the abuse. I’d lost all sight of how telling someone could do any positive or good at all. I couldn’t imagine anyone believing me and so I couldn’t imagine anyone being able to make it stop.

WHY RAPE & SEXUAL ABUSE ARE SO TABOO

ta·boo

[təˈbo͞o, taˈbo͞o]

NOUN

1.       a social or religious custom prohibiting or forbidding discussion of a particular practice or forbidding association with a particular person, place, or thing.

synonyms:

prohibition · proscription · veto · interdiction · interdict · ban · restriction · boycott · nonacceptance · anathema

ADJECTIVE

1.       prohibited or restricted by social custom.

"sex was a taboo subject"

synonyms:

forbidden · prohibited · banned · proscribed · vetoed · ruled out · interdicted ·

[more]

VERB

1.       place under prohibition.

I don’t think I talk about LEAPS a lot on here because we have a very strict confidentiality agreement – but for those who don’t know, Listening Ear And Positive Support (LEAPS) is a support group for people who are unemployed. The nature of the organization means that there’s a lot of private and personal things discussed at the weekly meetings, but this was something I said so I guess it’s my decision to make it public…. A while ago, I secured Lottery funding for LEAPS with one of our budgets being to fund a group session on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). So, the other day at the CBT session we were talking about ‘errors in thinking’ and I gave a personal example about how – for a long time – I blamed myself for the abuse I went through. I’ve known this group of all men for over two years now and it made me wonder why I feel like I can talk to them about this…

TWELVE THOUGHTS FOR TWELVE YEARS SINCE THE ABUSE ‘ENDED’

When I say ‘ended’, I mean that the physical side of the abuse finished because it’s so important to recognize that there never really is an end to abuse. I don’t say this in a hopeless way; but more as an acknowledgement that the memories, the thoughts, the feelings; they don’t just ‘end.’ 
Note: why am I not posting this on the actual anniversary? Because I'll be too busy having fun with my best-friend! 

1.        I’ll never forget the day I really first reported it

This is something that you may think I’ve spoken about but actually, I’ve only ever talked about my reporting the abuse to professionals and the Police. The reason I haven’t been able to talk about the first reporting is that it’s been hard to find a way to see it in a way that doesn’t reveal who my abuser was because - for legal reasons - I can’t do that. So basically, the first time I ever told someone what was happening to me happened after a huge argument with my abuser and something in me snapped and I thought ‘this is never going to end if I don’t do something about it.’ So, I told my abuser’s ‘boss.’ I was called a manipulative liar and it, obviously, left me completely convinced that I could never tell another person. 

2.       I can still feel unconditional love

I always thought, going through what I had, and dealing with it by dissociating, meant that I’d always stay cut off from the world. I – and others – put a lot of trust in my abuser and I actually relied on him at some point before it began so I worried that I’d never trust in another person again. That I’d never feel another feeling towards someone because I’d be forever scared that someone would destroy me the way that he had. It did take a long time to get to where I am today in terms of relationships but going into recovery helped me to appreciate all of the people who had been there for me through the hard days and in stabilizing my mental health, I’ve learnt how to build stable and healthy relationships.