Thursday, 12 June 2014

I'm Sorry I Hadn't Noticed

So, I've just approved a comment on my blog that said:
'Hello Aimee, I don't know if it's just me, but you seem quieter lately. Hoping you are well and just to say on behalf of your readers, we're thinking of you. Xx'
To the person who wrote this; thank you. And to all of the lovely people reading this; I'm sorry. I'm not even that sure if I had actually realised how silent (we don't use the 'q word' in psychiatric hospitals; it jinxes everything) I had been on here... I guess I tried to distract you all from the lack personal detail with guest posts and I'm humbled and honoured that, at least for one of you, this didn't work. Sometimes I (and often people with BPD in general) 'test' family and friends by subconsciously pushing them away to see how far they will go.
So, I guess the biggest reason for my lack of personal posts has been that the main thing that's happening in my life right now involves another person who has asked that it not be made public knowledge. As much as I'd like to keep you all in the loop and brag about how amazing this person is, I have to respect the person's wishes, regardless of how much I might feel like I'm doing you all an injustice by not telling you about this important time in my life...

So, I'll update you all on the rest:
My meds were changed because I was taking 300mg Quetiapine (anti-psychotic) at lunch time and it was making me so drowsy that I had a set naptime but as I'm getting better mentally, this means I'm missing out on opportunities. So, I now take all of my anti-psychotic at night and at first, this messed up my mood. I was so scared because no matter what was going on during my days I was having the same pattern in mood; I'd feel a bit fed up through the day, suicidal in the evening and hyper at night. I eventually found the courage to speak to the Doctor and I decided to speak to her during the suicidal phase so she could see how bad it was... And when she popped to my room later on, she got to see how all those dark, scary, horrible feelings had just gone. Thankfully, it was just because of the meds change so a few days later and the pattern had stopped!
My urinary retention has still been going on... The Doctor told me on Friday (6th) that if I didn't pass any urine that day I'd be put on five minute obs because she said that me refusing to pass a catheter was a form of self-harm. It was hard because I had so many reasons for not wanting to pass the catheter and they weren't all connected to my desire to go into kidney failure and die.  But my desire to remain on hourly obs was greater so I managed to squeeze out a few mls but that was it for the rest of the weekend. Then on Sunday night, the 'uncomfortable' feeling in my stomach became a pain and I was put onto fifteen minute observations as well as having my physical obs done every few hours. Monday morning, I saw the Doctor and I told her how utterly shit I felt; she told me that she knew I was really poorly because I usually try to convince her I'm ok and 'it's not as bad as it looks.' So she called Urology and they advised I was seen on the surgical ward at the local medical hospital. I went there expecting a bladder scan, some good drugs to pass a catheter and discharged back. What I got, was a long wait, a bladder scan (I had 825mls in my bladder) and a Doctor with a plan. I had to have a catheter and go back to hospital with it in for a few days... I've never had a long-term catheter so I agreed to it and after sedation it was inserted. I think it was barely in ten minutes and I was almost in tears, agitated and triggered beyond belief. I demanded it came out and asked to be discharged. Ultimately, I'm glad it happened because I now have the determination to try harder with inserting catheters myself so that I avoid a repeat of this.
I also want to avoid a repeat of this lack of blogging.