Wednesday, 2 September 2015

If Memories Don't Go Away, How Can You Ever Get Better?

TW: I'll be using vocabulary that may trigger


                       



Once something has happened, you can't make it un-happen. That's it. And this bodes true for good things, although I doubt that's something you'd want to take back. Sometimes you do forget these things - even the bad ones. 
Not sexual abuse though. Or rape. No one tends to forget these things. Even if they have a positive affect on a person's life e.g. inspire them to enter into a particular career or take a particular life path that leads to success. More often than not, this isn't the result of such traumas.
Through lack of media publicity and sexual education classes, I had no idea that I was being 'groomed', 'sexually abused' and then 'raped.' I knew it hurt. In every way possible. It hurt. And I knew that the memories he'd given me had the potential to be fatal. They could kill me. Or, as some would say, my reaction to them could kill me. I have finally found my fight against this. So what that some are raped and go on to become High Court Judges that regularly sentence rapists. That's their reaction. They haven't had my trauma. No one has. 
And I haven't 'chosen' to react in the way that I have. I tried all sorts of ways to cope and self-harming was the only method to have a lasting affect. It made me feel better for longer than alcohol or starving myself ever did. I shouldn't have been put in a position where I've needed to rely on such coping mechanisms. And why, eight years after my trauma, am I still cutting myself and feeling suicidal? Because you can't make it un-happen. Because eight years later I can still remember what was done to me. And it's safe to say that will never change. So how can I possibly get better? Why would I ever stop hurting myself? 
Because life goes on. It has to. And as long as I have longer periods of time where I'm living and loving life, accepting opportunities, achieving and safe, then for now, that's fine by me. Because right now, at this point in my life/recovery, the memories are still potentially fatal. And all I can do is try my best to stop it happening or - at worst - delay it for as long as possible.



And why am I still in recovery when I have three new stitches in my leg? Because I tried to stop it happening, I got help when it did, I regretted it and I've learnt from it. 
When I felt more when I cut my leg than I did when I reached 100k, regardless of how my social media may portray this, it made me angry. Angry at HIM. I'm always angry with him. And this is what I've learnt from the stitches: him reading on here that I've cut so bad I needed stitches is not the best revenge. The best revenge is for him to read about me in the newspaper, see me on TV, or hear me on the radio talking about my recovery and successful blog with all of the opportunities it has given me. 
So let's start doing this: say a massive "fuck you" to whoever hurt you. Your smile really is the best revenge.