Thursday, 27 July 2017

HOW I KNOW THAT MY 'BOLT HOLE' HASN'T BECOME MY 'HIDEY HOLE'


"Don't tell me you haven't heard of that phrase!"
"Well, no!"
"A hole is somewhere you can go and hide; and 'bolt' is... like when you're running away."

Last year, I visited Scarborough with my Mum and since I've never shut up about the amazing hotel room we stayed in (at the Ambassador Hotel) it'd had the most incredible view but it wasn't until a day before we were due to leave that I actually started to make the most of - and appreciate - the chairs placed directly in front of the bay window. So when I found out I was going back to Scarborough but that it was to stay in a different hotel (the Crown Spa Hotel), I wasn't sure if I was going to enjoy it so much; I'd thought that it'd been that hotel, that view, and that little area of the room that had me feeling content and peaceful for the entire holiday.

 [mood lighting in our room at the Crown Spa Hotel]

I was wrong (obviously)!

But it taught me a lot (I know that sounds silly but bear with me, you'll see how/why) about the person I've become in my recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder because even though this different hotel had a much higher rating of 4 stars; I was more bothered about experiencing that feeling again. I wasn't bothered about the materialistic aspect. I didn't care if the reception looked fancy; or even if the staff were nicer! I just wanted that feeling. That feeling of content. That feeling of peace.

Scarborough is like Lorazepam. - that's the best way I can describe it.
When I was experiencing auditory hallucinations, I would be given a medication (Lorazepam) to help me to calm down and relax. It helped to manage my agitation when the names the voices called me, and the things they told me to do; was too hard to fight against using purely Dialectical Behaviour Therapy coping skills and techniques!














When it kicked in, it felt as though there'd been a VERY stormy sea in my head and it had all just settled. No crashing waves. No pounding ocean fighting against me. I'd breath a sigh of relief after having felt stupid and inadequate in my tiny little wooden boat, up against such a powerful force.

Scarborough was my Lorazepam. A positive replacement to medication.

Being in Scarborough; my mind felt totally blank but in a nice, clean way. It felt like a cleanse and as though my mind was rid of all of the toxic thoughts and feelings; my body clear from all of the aches, pains, and tiredness that are a daily occurrence in my life now...

Like I'd had the top layer of my skin taken off (in a pain-free way!) and now it was all fresh and innocent and had no traces of scars; only freckles from the Scarborough sun!
Note [to self]: when you find yourself about to start using chemical peels as a metaphor to describe your feeling... stop trying to describe it and tell people to just get out there and find it!





















You can read all about my struggle to find a 'safe place' that I could go to, mentally, when my emotions would become overwhelming and I'd have thoughts of self-harm, here:
http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2015/09/finding-your-safe-place.html

You can read all about my visit to Scarborough here: http://www.imnotdisordered.co.uk/2016/07/scarborough.html