Thursday, 17 August 2017

HOW I TURNED MY HATE FOR MY ABUSER INTO DETERMINATION

By the time I'm finished, they won't even know your name

There are 28 posts in my 'Drafts.'

Looking through them is basically like you've glanced into my head every so often.



One of them was named TTIWICSBC - The Things I Wish I Could Say But Can't. It was going to be a little series of posts aimed at different people in my life - or who have been, in my life. People I'm unable to - for many different, complicated, confusing reasons - talk to. Things that I'm unable to say out loud and so the words float buzz around my head. [I changed my mind with 'float' because that implies that all is calm; and it isn't. Not all the time. Not where this is concerned.]

The post remains empty - but for the title and idea behind it...


Then I published Rebecca Lombardo's guest post entitled 'What I Wish We Could've Said Besides Goodbye' a while ago, and ever since, the idea behind that draft post has been playing on my mind. And then, by chance, as I was going to brush my teeth I went on YouTube and clicked on a video they had kindly 'recommended' for me...



It was Ke$ha performing her new song Praying.

I'd never heard it before but I had this strange feeling of deja vu. Like I remembered it but couldn't place it. Then I realised that it was because the words rang true. They were words - sentences - lyrics that have 'buzzed' around my head. They're the things I would've wrote in the draft post; had I sat down and given them permission to finally leave my head.



You see, I have this things about... you know when you see people on Facebook and things writing messages to relatives who don't have Facebook or to those who have passed? I get it. Being that I'm a blogger, and considering what I blog about; I get it. I get that writing it out of your mind and onto paper - or a computer screen - can be cathartic. But I also get why some people might say 'what's the point? That person's never going to see that message!' I get it.

So to those who think along those lines; know that the person these next words will be aimed at, is alive. And there is actually, (and to me, sadly) every chance the person will read this. And if that person does; they will know that these lyrics are directed at them. They're things that I can't say to this person in any other way - it is the person who abused me.

And there's so much of it all that is 'out-of-bounds-for-legal-reasons' that it gets infuriating to think that I do have this power ability to say something, but I can never properly use it. Because I can never be fully open. I could never talk about certain situations. Because his identity and his rights must be protected.

But, listening to this song... I'm reassured of what I've thought for a few months now - my recovery has still come along. I'm still improving; even when, from the outside, it may look like I'm still just going about my days in the same 'normal,' 'recovered' way that I always do... my thoughts, beliefs, feelings are all still recovering and growing. My attitude towards my abuser is becoming much healthier and much less self-destructive. You know that saying about holding onto hatred is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

There's this line in the song that goes: when I'm finished, they won't even know your name

This is my new outlook. I'd rather people know my name than his. I'd rather that people came to I'm NOT Disordered to be reminded that there is hope; and bravery, and courage; and not to be reminded of the bad people who exist in this world.



So; a while ago, if I'd picked out a song to aim at the person who abused me (and there's actually a lot of them out there that do) it'd be something angry. Something full of hate, and venom, and malice.

But after nine hundred and eighty nine days of community recovery; this is the song; and these are the lyrics:



Oh, and after everything you've done

I can thank you for how strong I have become

...

Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell

...

And we both know all the truth I could tell

I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

I hope you're somewhere praying

I hope your soul is changing

I hope you find your peace

Falling on your knees, praying

I’m proud of who I am

No more monsters, I can breathe again

And you said that I was done

Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come



I found a strength I’ve never known

I’ll bring thunder, I’ll bring rain

When I’m finished, they won’t even know your name



Sometimes, I pray for you at night

Someday, maybe you’ll see the light

Some say, in life you gonna get what you give

But some things, only God can forgive



[You can see the official video here]