Some people
may think I’m a bit eager with this blog post, but I think that it’s in my head
a lot at the minute because if my daily statistics continue at the very lowest,
I’m NOT Disordered should reach one million readers before the end of the year.
And figuring this out, meant that I’ve began organizing a private event to
celebrate the milestone. Which, again, has drawn my attention to the fact it’s
going to happen… When I was telling someone what the party was for, I was asked
how it felt – the notion of having one million readers – and I told her it was
surreal. But that’s not all that’s in my head around this momentous occasion…
Small beginnings should be recognized and remembered…
Instances like this – getting closer and closer to one million
readers – make me so grateful that I can remember the very beginning of I’m NOT
Disordered. For those who don’t know the story…
It was January 6th, 2013 and I had been a psychiatric
inpatient since summer 2012 after a suicide attempt left me on life support. I had
just had a 1:1 with my Key Nurse and we’d decided that I would start writing a
little bit about the abuse I’d experienced when I was younger every night.
Agreeing to do this felt like a massive step forward into recovery and it
inspired a sense of wanting to document it. So, when I got back to my room from
the 1:1 and saw my laptop lying on the bed, I realized that rather than
document my progress in one of the many notebooks I wrote in, it might be a
better idea to do it online.
I thought that at least that way, my loved ones – family, friends… could join me on the journey and be better placed at understanding what I was experiencing. I hoped that in doing this, they would be able to be even more supportive, they’d be able to help others struggling with their mental health, they’d feel more confident in speaking up about any difficulties they have too, and they’d be better educated in mental illness so as to dispel any stigmatized thoughts and opinions (because even your loved ones can have them!).
With those intentions in mind, I created an account with Blogger
and I’m NOT Disordered was born! Right there in my hospital room, on my single bed
– which was bolted to the floor – and with the laptop I was only allowed for a
few hours every evening once the therapeutic timetable was finished and with
those very genuine motivations. So, to look at where we (me and my blog) are
now? Sometimes it’s beyond surreal – sometimes, I’m speechless.
Remembering the 100,000 reader’s party & setting expectations:
Obviously and understandably, since I’m planning a new party, my
last one (which you can read more about here)
has definitely been on my mind a lot recently.
When I first began Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) in 2012 as a psychiatric inpatient, and was taught the coping skill of Mindfulness, I had so many hesitations about it (you can read more about them and DBT in general here) that I refused to engage in the entire module. Ironically though, I learnt more about it when I was discharged from the hospital and the new aspects of it and the realizations and understandings, I developed around it made the skill so much more appealing that I finally began to utilize it.
The main thing I learnt about Mindfulness was that you can use it
in a positive situation too! It’s not all about sitting with a terrible feeling
or accepting harmful thoughts and feelings and not acting on them. So, when my
100,000 party was finishing and the room was emptying, and I found myself on
the dance floor with two of my best-friends whilst the musician played Mr Brightside, I made a conscious
decision to use Mindfulness as a way to remember that moment. To remember
exactly how happy, peaceful, loved, and proud I felt. And doing that, has made
that memory and that event the greatest night of my life.
Of course, making that statement – that it was the greatest night –
has meant that so many other nights and events since that one in 2015 have been
measured up against it. And understandably, this one million readers party is
already being compared to it in regard to the planning of it and the purchasing
of certain products and items (I’m trying not to say too much because I want
the invited people to be surprised)!
I guess having the ‘bigger-and-better’ attitude which I have and
usually illustrate best through Blogmas(!), has really enhanced this habit of comparing.
Being aware of this though, has meant that I’m cautious of setting expectations
and standards too high in that they put some sort of pressure or stress on me
to meet them. I’d rather enjoy the planning stages and have fun buying bits and
pieces for the party.
I’ve also decided to make this party a fair bit different because
similarly to my blog content, I’ve learnt a lot over the years and a lot of
things have changed… I think the main aspect here is about the number of guests
I’m planning to have. On the 100,000 party there was 100 guests, but to
celebrate reaching one million readers, I wanted something more intimate – which
is why I chose a venue which only caters to 50. I feel that one lesson which
has affected this change, is that I’ve learnt – over the years – the people who
are really important and who have been there for me and supporting I’m NOT
Disordered the most…
The importance of everyone from the start and everyone I’ve met
along the way:
Starting to blog whilst a psychiatric inpatient meant that the
majority of people in my life were staff and it turned out their only real
interest in my blog was when I mentioned one of them by name! I remember one of
the Ward Managers leaving and he was asked a question and he said that he didn’t
want to answer because he knew it would end up on my blog! I cried and later confronted
him about it and attempted to explain my blog’s importance to me and that it isn’t
for – or about – moaning and complaining about staff.
Having such little support for my blog in those early days, wasn’t
an enormous detriment to me and my blog because I wasn’t hugely serious about
this new venture! I didn’t imagine it’d become such a huge part of my life and
actually, I’m grateful for that lack of reassurance and encouragement because
it meant that right from the offset, my blogging was fueled by my own
determination, dedication, and passion. And that really set me up into a good,
productive position for the rest of my blogging career.
Of course, being discharged from hospital was a bit of a shock to
the system in general – but also because it meant I was suddenly surrounded by
a lot more people. Not just friends and family, but I also now had a better ability
to access other organisations, companies, and charities, which would be a
window to collaborations.
Even if you haven’t read, I’m NOT Disordered for very long, you’ll
know that I’m a fan of collaborating with others because I really like that it
sheds awareness on the collaboration partner and their connection to mental
health. Whilst my collaborations have meant that I’ve come to meet or connect
with so many more people along my blogging journey, I’ve always tried to stay
loyal to those I’ve worked with. And this has meant so many different journeys with
different people and different organisations, which has left me feeling very
well supported.
I’m so grateful for that support because whilst I didn’t really
need it in the beginning, since I’m NOT Disordered has become bigger and
bigger, it’s also become a lot more serious and important. And inevitably that’s
meant that I’ve learnt a lot over the years so having company and support
through those learning curves has been really beneficial in making those scary
moments a little less distressing. So, I’d like to look at my one million
readers party as an opportunity to thank some of the most important people in
my blog’s life.
Will I’m NOT Disordered ever end?
If you’ve read, I’m NOT Disordered since the beginning you’ll know
that there was a time when I actually closed it down and stopped blogging (you
can read the post about it here).
One huge reason for ending
my blog was that I was being discharged from the psychiatric hospital and I
felt as though I were at a crossroads. Firstly, I worried that I’d not be able
to create as much content if I didn’t have daily ward dramas. Secondly, I
wondered if it’d be like going backwards or holding onto the past if I were to
take my blog with me into this new chapter of my life.
My decision lasted just one month before I cancelled the deletion and
started typing (you can read my first post after that break here) and
I haven’t looked back since!
I don’t regret taking that break because whilst it did mean I missed
blogging about some bits and pieces, ultimately; it gave me even more
dedication and passion (if that’s possible!) for doing this. I had seen what life
was like without I’m NOT Disordered, and I didn’t like it too much. And that
experience has meant that I’ve grown a thicker back bone in that I’m so much
more robust and defiant of any hardships or instances which have the potential
to ruin my attitude and leave me hesitant to blog. It’s like I can now weigh
them up – I can put into perspective how terrible something is and consider whether
it’s powerful and deserving enough to ruin my blog and everything it means –
not just to me, but to others now too.
It might surprise people but, whilst there’s been so many
challenges in the years since that temporary stop, and there’s been a lot of moments
that’ve taken a lot of time and effort to get through, I don’t think I’ve ever
really regretted my decision to start blogging again. There’s never been a
moment where I’ve felt it was a mistake.
Recognizing that, and then considering that my blog is coming up
to its ninth Birthday, I’ve questioned whether an end will actually come to I’m
NOT Disordered! I mean, I honestly can’t imagine not being a Blogger. Like, it’s
something that scares me about when I’m ready for a fulltime job; how would I
fit blogging into my schedule?! It’s obviously not a reason not to work, it’s
just something that the prospect of, upsets me…
The two biggest learning curves in creating content:
In creating this blog post, I’ve had to look through some older blog
posts and doing this, had me comparing them to my most recent pieces. On comparison,
I began thinking about why there’s been such an enormous change in the content
I create in considering the lessons I’ve learnt and how I learnt them…
1.
Using and creating images
One of the greatest ways I learnt to develop my own images for my
blog posts was through my Digital Marketing internship where I was taught how
to use Canva. It’s a few years later now,
but I’m still learning functions of the site and the different creative
services it has to offer. And I think that having images in your blog posts,
can really lift the content – particularly where it’s heavy in text. Having
visuals can encourage someone to stay engaged in reading a lengthy piece.
2.
The importance of titling your piece
This is obviously something I’ve really learnt or discovered just
naturally over time. I think a big inspiration for this change has been seeing
so many other Bloggers come to the forefront of the media and I made the
observation that two could literally post very similar content, but the
popularity could be impacted by how the piece is titled. Like, titling it ‘things
I’ve learnt about…’ can have a lesser impact or encouragement for the reader to
show interest in your piece, than ‘everything you should know about...’
Party outfit planning(!)
So, I’m a very big fan of clothes, handbags, shoes… And an even bigger fan of ASOS(!) so I used their site to create some little mood boards of my favourite items of theirs which I’d love to have as my outfit to my one million readers party…
Floral
sequin midi-dress: £180.00
Puff
sleeve mini-dress: £120.00
Pleated
trapeze mini-dress: £50.00
Oversized
T-Shirt dress: £28.00
Lace
insert mini skater dress: £38.00
Tiered
ruffle maxi-dress: £40.00
Asymmetric smock mini-dress: £38.00
Midi
skirt spot print: £22.00
Midi
skirt in lilac gingham print: £35.00
Midi
skirt in silver sequin: £120.00
Mini
skirt pink boucle: £25.00
Embellished
skirt in gold: £33.75
Embellished
tiered midi skirt: £80.00
Tiered tulle midi in lilac: £40.00
Chakra
multirow necklace: £4.80
Tiny
heart pendant in rose gold: £21.75
Four
layering necklaces: £12.00
Ear
cuff moon and star design: £4.00
Wishbone
necklace: £10.00
Necklace
in star design: £4.50
Sterling silver double ring pendant: £18.00
Square
back court shoes in bone: £35.00
Platform
heeled shoes in pale pink: £44.00
Tie
leg mid-heeled shoes in blue: £35.00
Pointed
heeled shoe in rhinestone: £110.00
High
heeled court shoes in forest green: £25.00
Platform
mid-heeled sandals: £40.00
Platform
heeled court shoes in black with red hearts: £46.00
Valentino
cross-body bag: £105.00
Studded
cross-body bag: £85.00
Cross-body
bag in silver diamante: £100.00
Floral
print scarf: £27.00
Leaf
hairband: £10.00
Leather
watch in grey and rose gold: £67.50
XL
scrunchie in blush: £10.99
Missing everyone who should be here…
Having lost my lop-eared, Lionhead bunny Pixie not too long ago
(you can read about her death in April of this year here),
I’m still thinking a lot about those I’ve loved and lost… I think that at
special moments and milestones like this, thinking of those who you wish were
here to experience it alongside you, is a very understandable and common
notion.
My Nana (who died before I started blogging) was a huge fan of my
writing – right from my little, short stories when I was younger! So, I’d have
loved for her to be here and see that I have so many readers and that my
writing has proven to be so successful and popular. I feel she’d say, ‘I knew it.’
Recognizing how lucky I am…
Thinking of myself as ‘lucky’ was something which – for a long
time – I couldn’t have ever imagined that I would one day say…
A lot of my suicidal thoughts and feelings stemmed from an anger
and upset over how many bad things had happened/were happening, to me. The
abuse, the hallucinations, losing loved ones… some might argue it’s just part
of life, but because I held a lot of blame towards myself for the abuse, those things
felt like a punishment specifically for me. And spending so many days, weeks, months,
and then years, feeling suicidal, self-harming, and being in and out of
hospitals, I felt so hopeless and had very little belief that I would ever
recover.
Even when I started blogging, I wouldn’t have imagined branding
myself as lucky in terms of that too. I mean, there are so many bloggers out
there these days, that I was incredibly lucky I started I’m NOT Disordered when
I did because it meant I had a niche – without even having to try to find one!
Collaborating with so many different people and organisations, has
resulted in me receiving some gifts, and being given some amazing opportunities
which I may not have had if I hadn’t started blogging and working so hard at my
mental health recovery. Putting so much time and effort into my work really
helps me to feel deserving of these honorable experiences, yet there’s still a
luckiness there that my hard work is paying off.