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“Evaluate yourself and your calling worthily enough, and be proud
of it.”
Sunday Adelaja
Even if you only really ‘know’ me through, I’m NOT Disordered or via my social media (@aimes_wilson on Instagram and Twitter), then you will likely be aware of the massive mental health relapse I’ve been going through for around a month. What you likely won’t know – because even those who actually ‘know’ me don’t all know! – is that this relapse is the result of a ‘psychotic episode’ that has mainly evolved around me having these two ‘delusional beliefs’ that have massively impacted my safety on far too many occasions and to far too great a degree of severity. In the last three weeks alone, I’ve had to attend my local A&E several times, have ended up in resuscitation, have been sedated, I’ve also even required surgery because my conviction of these beliefs has been so great, powerful, and overwhelming. These instances – and numerous other situations I’ve found myself in recently – have resulted in me engaging in some very difficult conversations with a variety of people, and it was one of these, that has led to this blog post…
The most upsetting aspect or comments from the conversation that
initiated my re-evaluation of my life, were around my pets; my two mini
Lionhead bunnies; Luna and Gracie, and my
latest addition, my Maine Coon/Rag Doll Mix kitten; Ruby. You can
probably guess what this means, but in case you can’t – in this conversation –
it was basically suggested that I seek temporary foster care for all three of
them due to the opinion that they currently weren’t being properly cared for by
me – mostly (as I understood it) because I was having to leave them so often to
attend, or be admitted to, hospital.
Now, it doesn’t really matter how long you’ve known me nor how
well you do, you’ll likely be very aware that these three very fluffy little
ones, mean a great deal to me and that they hold such an important position… in
my mental health – never mind my life on a whole/in general! Each of my pets
hold a special, important place in my heart and my recovery – they each seem to
symbolise a particular point in my journey that has come to be so incredibly
significant.
When my mental health first became poorly in 2009, I used to
hallucinate rabbits… But not in a good way. And professionals believe this was
due to my memories from when I was younger of when the two rabbits that we had
killed their babies seemingly because we (obviously without knowing or
recognising) interfered with the nest too often when we wanted to look at the
little ones. Being so massively, negatively impacted by these hallucinations, in
September 2017, when I was in Pets At Home shopping for my first cat (Dolly who I had
gotten because at my Mum’s, we’d had a family cat for ten years so I was fully
used to – and enjoyed – having a cat around!), I randomly decided to ask the
staff if I could hold one of the bunnies they had for sale… After crying when I
felt the very real, warm, furry, little head under my chin and realised that
this bunny – Pixie – was the
key; that she would be the one, best, solid and confirmational way for me to have
the ability to recognise reality; I returned the next day to buy her!
That significance Pixie held in my mental health recovery meant
that when she had to be put to sleep in April 2021, within days I found myself
on a bridge over a dual carriageway shouting at the Police that I just wanted
to be with my bunny. And, unlike when Dolly passed away and I got my new cat (Emmy) within a
week, it took months before I finally decided to get another bunny – and I
fully believe that complete difference in attitude and thought process, was
because of my special connection to rabbits and the meaning that having one,
has on my mental health. And so, around five months after losing Pixie, I
finally got my first mini-Lionhead, Luna, and – almost instantly – she bonded
with Emmy who, I think, had seriously really been missing having something little
and fluffy to follow around and to play with.
Unfortunately, their relationship didn’t last too long because the
following year, Emmy became poorly and was put to sleep in October 2022. I
think the largest upsetting part to the loss was the recognition that I had to
go home to Luna empty-handed and tell her that neither I – nor the Vet – had
been able to save her best-friend. I felt inadequate. I felt like a complete
failure and as though, in Emmy dying, I would fully understand Luna thinking of
me as being absolutely useless. And so, I decided that rather than rushing into
getting another cat, I preferred to try to build a better bond with Luna and
so, for the following three months, I became more easily able to stroke her –
to the point where she actually started jumping into my lap on the armchair – and
gradually, she allowed me to stroke her for longer and longer. Then, she
started taking this crinkly tunnel (typically for cats) and pushing it around
in circles and everyone (including me) used to laugh at her and think it was
just this new, cute, and funny habit; but I came to realise question it and
wonder whether it was the complete opposite…
When Emmy was put to sleep, I had asked the Vet what the best
thing to do would be for Luna and she had immediately replied “get her a
friend.” And so, when I started wondering whether her new thing with this
tunnel was actually about wanting some stimulation in having someone to play
with, I decided that getting a new bunny would be much easier to introduce her
to than a new cat and so, in January 2023, I got my second mini-Lionhead,
Gracie! Literally within hours of being introduced, I found them cuddled up
together with Luna licking Gracie’s fluffy head and lop ears and I felt a sense
– or a notion – of peace in the home; something that I realised had been
missing and I hadn’t experienced it since losing Emmy.
Luna seemed so much more settled and content too – the thing with
the tunnel completely stopped and everything seemed sort of… resolved? As
though this was how things were meant to be. But after just a month or two, I was
realising that for almost 100% of the day, Luna and Gracie were sat together in
a different room to whichever one I was sitting or working in. They were always
snuggled up together either sleeping or just sat there (often Luna had a lop
ear across Gracie’s head as though it were an arm cuddling her closer), or
they’d be washing each other, eating together, or – on the rare occasions they
were moving around – sniffing and exploring (still, side by side at all times!).
The happiness I was filled with in seeing Luna so excited and comforted with
her new little companion was one of the greatest, more powerful feelings I’ve
ever experienced; but I began to feel a sadness too… A sadness and loneliness that
came the recognition that yes, the addition of Gracie had given Luna company
that meant she had no real reason to come into whichever room I was in, but it
seemed that Gracie’s nervousness had also influenced Luna by way of her becoming
increasingly less and less great with being handled… So, finally, a month or
two later, I made the decision to get Ruby!
Regardless of the fact that my mental health started to
deteriorate in February 2023, I paid the ‘deposit’ for Ruby (as she was
advertised before being at the right age to leave her Mum and siblings) and when
she was finally old enough to come home in the May, I found that whilst I was
still experiencing strange (though professionals labelled them psychotic)
thoughts, they had become less scary and less dangerous – to the point where I
felt sure that I was well enough and fully capable of committing to having
another furry responsibility. I was also convinced that getting Ruby could only
help anyway and this was proven when my mental health and safety levels
stabilised for a good few months following Ruby coming home.
In all honesty, when my mental health began to decline again
around six weeks ago in the beginning of August, I didn’t put a great deal of
thought into how it – and the things I did in response to it – would impact
Luna, Gracie, and Ruby. But I think that this illustrates two important things
perfectly:
1.
Just how
poorly I have been: anyone who knows me, and my pets will confirm that they’re my
everything and that they hold such a massive importance to me and my life, and
so to recognise that I wasn’t even thinking about or considering them, is a
huge indicator that my mental health really was very unwell.
2.
The nature of
the deterioration: when my mental health first deteriorated in 2009 and I was
diagnosed with a Personality Disorder, I could quite easily either choose not
to consider the impact my behaviours were having on my loved ones or deem that
impact to not be significant enough to stop me from continuing with those
behaviours. With these psychotic symptoms though… it’s just not the same – it’s
like I’m so deeply overwhelmed by the strange thoughts and beliefs that nothing
else even exists.
This was actually such a difficult position to be in because whilst
I recognised that having not previously thought about my lovely pets and how my
frequent hospital admissions would be affecting them showed my mental health
really was poorly; I still felt a sense of guilt for this. I still felt terrible,
and this leaned itself into the re-evaluation process when the difficult
conversation that inspired it seemed to not only remind me of my pets; but it
was also as though this reminder meant I had to be soccer-punched in the chest
so hard that my heart physically hurt…
The fact that my levels of risk were high wasn’t because I was
suicidal or feeling deserving of self-harm/pain in any way as they would
typically when the Personality Disorder was the largest challenge. With the
psychosis symptoms, my safety was compromised purely due to me testing out the
‘psychotic beliefs.’ So, there was one about me being invincible and so I made
the decision a handful of times to do something that would prove – or disprove
this. The other belief was a little bit stranger… it focused on the idea that
there was magic in my wrist that had been ‘put there’ during one of the three surgeries
I’ve had since breaking it last year. This belief led me to hurting myself to
try to ‘see’ the magic and to ‘show’ all those who wouldn’t believe me, that it
really was there.
In all fairness, I’m very much someone who has to learn things the
hard way in general, and so I think that’s why, when this conversation came up
and the person voiced their thoughts on having Luna, Gracie, and Ruby fostered
for a while, I was affected to such a degree. Because it was like a startling reminder
of reality, and it really opened my eyes to just how much I was struggling and
just how much that could affect my little ones. And often – well, a lot of the
time, actually – when my mental health is poorly, the most dangerous part of it
is that I don’t think about my own safety and wellbeing, but being reminded
that by doing that, I was affecting the wellbeing of my pets?
Well, that was a hugely difficult notion to come to terms with. I
say ‘difficult’ purely in terms of how upsetting it was; in terms of how
straight forward things were, it’s pretty damn simple. I could never do
anything that would harm any of my pets in even the most remote of ways –
including them not spending much time with me due to me being in and out of
hospital! But that said… Well, when I was self-harming due to the traumatic
memories of the abuse and the symptoms related to the Personality Disorder
diagnosis, it felt more like a choice or an option. In so far as, I – even
before having Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and starting my road to
recovery – recognised that self-harming was mostly a result of my decision to
do so. Don’t get me wrong – I 100% felt backed into a corner and as though any
other action or option wouldn’t be ‘enough’ (with the definition of ‘enough’ really
being dependent upon the actual situation I was in where I was faced with – or
influenced into – having to make the decision).
With this Psychosis though, and the belief around the magic; it
meant that I felt more certain that this wasn’t anything to do with choice,
having options, making a decision… It was something I simply had to do if I
wanted to prove my belief. And so, recognising the impact this and my hospital
admissions were having on my pets, was challenging because my conviction that I
would never do anything to harm them? Well, having that didn’t mean that
suddenly the magic belief was gone or that I could cope with it in a different
way. It’s like… When I got put under the care of the Crisis Team a few weeks
ago, and saw their psychiatrist who increased my antipsychotic medication, and
someone said to me “I don’t understand why you’re still struggling when you
have those two things.” I was honestly a little bit speechless because I was
sure that this person would have already known what I had now realised I was
going to have to point out; these things aren’t miracles – simply having these
two aspects in your mental health care doesn’t just miraculously or instantly
make you feel better!
This fact, has ended up being one of the most recent challenges
actually… Because when I was put on the medication increase, the psychiatrist
said it could be up to three weeks before I experience any benefit from it and
that it’s typically four to six weeks for it to be at its fully therapeutic
level in your body. This was actually a terrifying notion at the time, and I
ended up having multiple conversations with the Crisis Team about the
possibility of being hospitalised (in a psychiatric hospital) for the duration
of the time it took for me to start feeling better. But I was worried that I
might end up hating being in there so much that I’d lie and say things were
improving just to be discharged and that I’d still be unsafe.
What’s obviously so much more important than that reason not to be
admitted though, was the thought of Luna, Gracie, and Ruby… I mean, how would
the three of them be looked after if – worse came to worse and I needed to be
in the hospital for the entire three weeks before I felt better? How would they
cope without seeing me at all for that long? Would they forget about me? Would
it be fair to keep popping back to give them food and water but then have to go
straight back to the hospital? How much would our bond change? Would it be
repairable if it did?
Fortunately, since around day 6 of the increase of my medication,
things have started to improve and I’ve found myself becoming safer to the point
where, finally, being admitted to a psychiatric hospital is totally unnecessary!
And it feels like such a huge achievement to have not needed that intervention
– to be able to say that I’ve managed to get through all of this without
needing to rely on professionals to such a massive degree as to be admitted against
my wishes and then be surrounded by them 24/7. It’s also been really helpful in
my relationship with my pets because I feel that they’ve been such a huge
influence on me experiencing this sense of accomplishment. It’s left me 100%
convinced that I genuinely wouldn’t be here without the three of them – or, at
the very least, I wouldn’t want to be here – if it weren’t for those
three. And so, the way I’m looking at time now, is that I can use it to make
the most of being with my pets in spending so much time playing with them and
stroking them and talking to them. And I can use the continuation of our
relationship, as time and opportunity to show them my eternal gratitude for
their presence in my life.
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In the conversation that influenced this re-evaluation of my life
and therefore this blog post too, I was asked “what are you gaining by doing
these things?” (‘These things,’ in this instance, meant self-harm or me
committing actions that could lead to my death.) And I think this is one part
to this post that’s going to sound like utter common sense, but which was
actually a really big and massively helpful lesson learnt… In one of the four
modules taught in DBT – Distress Tolerance – you’re taught the skill or tool of
‘Pros and Cons’ which is
where you’re encouraged to properly weigh-up a decision to do something in an
aim to minimise any/all of the impulsive behaviours (which are typically a
symptom of a Personality Disorder). In
this tool, you’re advised to consider the benefits and the drawbacks of an
action or decision so that in acting upon things, you are less likely to be
regretful and – the main intention – have a higher chance of staying safe.
That’s in so far as Personality Disorder though… So, with these
unsafe acts being related to the Psychosis, and my DBT skills already failing
with this anyway, I felt sort of hopeless in terms of how I would stop acting
on these ‘psychotic beliefs.’ Fortunately, though, this question around why I
was doing ‘these things’ was the key – well, that and the fact that the
increase in my antipsychotic medication that the Crisis Team had done was
starting to work! – because it led me to start asking myself that very question
whenever I was coming close to hurting myself by proving that I was invincible or
that I had magic in my wrist. I began thinking ‘what do I actually want to
happen from this?’ And the possibilities or likely results were never anything
I ‘wanted.’ Hospital, needles, Doctors, being sectioned, sedated, a visit from
the Crisis Team, surgery, restraint – and, more importantly and more powerfully
– time away from Luna, Gracie, and Ruby… And it was like, what else did I
expect to come from doing these things?! And if I didn’t want any of these
things to happen, why go ahead and act on these beliefs?
Aside from my safety though, this question also triggered me to
re-evaluate my thoughts and actions around the three largest commitments in my
life right now; my book (You’re NOT
Disordered; set to publish November 18th 2023), my blog, and my
job as Head of Marketing and Communications for Time To Inspire.
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So, firstly, my book. I’ve been writing You’re NOT Disordered for
over a year now as it had the original publication date of April 20th,
2023, but when I was sectioned in February, that put a spanner in the works. I
found that I was starting to feel stressed at the thought of trying to get the
entire book finished and put together in time for that date, and stress was the
last thing I needed considering I was already admitted to a psychiatric
hospital! So, even though I had arranged a publication party and had announced
the April date to everyone, I recognised that I’d sooner feel the notion that
I’d let people down than risk the impact that the stress of desperately trying
to still finish it in time would have on my already vulnerable and unstable
mental health. And boy, am I glad I made that decision!
The next stress to come with writing my book has been regarding the
proofreading of it – I’m taking this book so seriously to the point where it’s
beginning to feel like my baby! – because looking into having a professional do
it, it can be so expensive. However, I recognise that it’s helpful to have an
outsider do it because I might read it the way I believe it’s written rather
than how I’ve actually written it, for example if I’ve missed a word out or
phrased something the wrong way; I know how it was meant to be so I might not
pick up on the fact it isn’t! Ironically, though, upon finally accepting I was
going to have to read all these pages I’d just spent ages writing; I was
voicing my concern to someone who is massively ‘high up’ in the communications
industry and she offered to have her team proofread it for me!
The only downside of this, has meant that I’ve had a hugely
difficult deadline to meet so that the team have the time to do this task in
addition to their usual workload. I found myself becoming so stressed and
anxious about the fact that as the deadline grew closer and closer, I didn’t
feel as though I was actually getting any closer to finishing the book for it.
So, I ended up emailing the communications person to say that I was at the
point where I was no longer enjoying the process of writing the book because I
was getting so concerned and worried that I was going to miss the deadline. And,
in all honesty, having fun and not resenting the idea of writing You’re NOT
Disordered is a really important quality that I want this creative and
developmental process to have. Of course, the comms person – being as amazing
as she is – reassured me that they could even extend the deadline to so far as the
end of September if need be because she agreed, it was important that I enjoy
what I’m doing or else, why do it?
In my re-evaluation of my life, obviously writing this book came
up as a commitment to put some time and consideration into whether I was doing
the right thing in creating You’re NOT Disordered. The two largest arguments
defending my decision to continue writing the book were:
1.
How far I’ve already come with it – I’d say
that I’m just over ¾ of the way finished in writing it! In the Word document
I’m actually writing it in, I have notes and headlines for parts I’m yet to write,
and I thought that there was an enormous way still to go. However, I wrote the
headings down in a list all together – because they’re in different places in
the document e.g., some headings I need to write about are before bits I’ve
actually already written – and was pleasantly surprised to find that the list
wasn’t all that long! In weighing that up, it felt more justified to finish
what I’d started than to give up now and admit defeat because it would mean
considering all my hard work, all the time I’d spent writing as much as I had, a
waste and really, completely pointless. And I wasn’t prepared to do that.
2.
How beneficial I think it could be for others – with the
subtitle to the book being ‘The Ultimate Wellbeing Guide for Bloggers’ it’s
pretty obvious that the book has a very particular target audience – bloggers
(of any industry/theme/topic). And my idea for this book came from the number
of times I’ve searched Amazon wanting/needing an item just like this: a book or
journal which was specifically around blogging and the particular challenges
and instances that need some serious navigation that can come from it and
threaten or somehow compromise your mental health and general wellbeing. Eventually,
I got so sick of trying to find exactly what I felt I needed from this Guide,
that I began to wonder whether there was anyone else out there going through
the same frustration… And so You’re NOT Disordered was born and with it, came
the hope that it will provide help, support, and advice for anyone else who might
find themselves struggling through their blogging career. The world needs more
bloggers!
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One particular comment in the conversation that triggered this
blog post that was made was when the person said she had been wondering whether
blogging was keeping me stuck in everything that has happened to me… Because
I’m constantly writing about these things… The abuse and the rape, the suicide
attempts, Ambulances, being hospitalised, being on life support, Police, being
sectioned, self-harming, hallucinating, medication, Crisis Team visits,
therapy…
So, to go a little off-track here – there’s this episode in Grey’s
Anatomy where a girl runs away from where she’s been held captive for years.
And she’s talking to the Doctor in hospital about how she came back from the
hospital cafeteria and there was a movie on TV that her kidnapper had once let
her watch with him and this leads her to go on to talk about how when she was
with him, she couldn’t talk about her family and friends from back home and now
that she was back, she felt that she couldn’t talk about the abuse without
repercussions of concern and judgment etc. And I feel like this is really
applicable here…
When I was going through the abuse I experienced for six months –
for so many reasons – I couldn’t tell anyone about it. At that time though, it
was the most important thing to be happening in my life; it was the biggest,
most influential aspect of my life. It was impacting absolutely everything –
particularly who I am from my very foundations up! It was like it shaped me.
Defined me. And yet, I couldn’t tell anyone at all why I was becoming this
completely different person. I couldn’t explain why I’d become rude and
rebellious at school (it was partly to get someone’s attention to ask why I had
changed and partly because my teachers were respectful of my abuser). I
couldn’t tell someone why I had started drinking alcohol and smoking two years
underage and until the point where I didn’t know my own name never mind that I couldn’t
remember what was happening/what had happened (because I continued to do this
after the abuse) to me.
Now that abuse and rape are becoming more talked about topics in
the media, I recognise that the six months my abuse lasted for don’t amount to
a whole lot compared to those who have gone through these things for years and
years, but believe me; it can feel like forever when it’s happening to you, and
I won’t let this factor dismiss just how powerful an event it was on my life.
And, of course, in addition to the six months of the actual abuser were the two
years immediately after where I stayed silent. Prior to the abuse, I wouldn’t have
said I was outspoken exactly, but I can’t remember ever feeling silenced,
ignored, or disregarded; so – with all these reasons not to speak up and report
what had happened – circling around and around in my head like vultures, well
it added to me feeling even less like myself.
When the three years following me finally reporting the abuse in
2009 showed I had been hospitalised on over 60 occasions before finally making
a suicide attempt in 2012 that left me on life support; I was hospitalised for
2.5 years and after almost one year – in 2013 – I created I’m NOT Disordered. I
had felt as though I was starting to make progress and wanted to record my
recovery, and the psychiatric hospital I was in was over 100 miles away from
home so I hoped that my blog would be a more efficient and affective form of communication
with my loved ones. So, from Day One of my blogging career, I have vowed to
always be open and honest no matter what. No matter how difficult it is. No
matter how it will affect someone else. Why?
Because I’d spent too long either telling lies or staying silent. Either
way, I needed the release. I needed a loudspeaker so that I could tell the
entire world what had happened to me and all the things I had done to cope with
it. Why? Because our brains are like pressure cookers. Silence and secrets
build up and up and up until we explode. Or implode. And I felt like all the
reasons I’d stayed silent were due to the thoughts and feelings of others. They
were nothing to do with actually what was best for me and what would help me. Now
it was time to think of myself and recognise that being honest and open would
be a relief. A release.
I’ve honestly tried my hardest to still keep my blog’s content
balanced and to not concentrate on all the negativity and hardship that has
come with having a mental illness, being an abuse/rape survivor, and – as I was
for the first year and a half of my blogging career – being a psychiatric
hospital inpatient. Thing is, there’s a ton more minuses that positives to each
of these situations – never mind them all happening at once to one person! And
so, yes; a lot of my content has been emotional, full of anger, anxiety,
tension, and a whole ton of general suicidal thoughts and feelings. When I’ve
felt well and happy and recovered, however, I’ve created content then too. I’ve
talked about what has been helpful, the people and things that have saved me,
the ways in which I’ve saved myself – all in the hope that in doing so, it will
provide a number of positive affects on my readers. I hope that it’ll encourage
them to cooperate with professionals, to take prescribed medication, to engage
in recommended professional therapies, and to never lose hope or determination by
developing the conviction that they might never recover or improve in even the
remotest of ways.
To be completely honest (again!), being told by so many readers
that this mission to instil positivity and hope in them has been successful for
such a huge percentage of my audience, has honestly kept me going through some
really hard and genuinely life-threatening moments. As has the equally
enlightening notion of readers getting in touch to say that reading my sad
content has actually been helpful in a way too by it instilling a sense of
comradery in them by reassuring those struggling with their mental health
and/or memories of abuse etc that they aren’t alone in doing so. And that’s a
hard one sometimes… Because on the one hand, it’s kind of nice to know you
aren’t alone and the fact there are others out there who might have even the
more remote idea of what you’re going through can be incredibly comforting in a
way. However, there’s also the very obvious downside to this – that others
going through these things mean that there’s at least one other person in the
world who feels as terrible as you do. Who have gone through/are going through the
dramatically challenging and almost impossible-to-overcome-hardships that you
have experienced/are experiencing…
Another factor in the re-evaluation when I began thinking about my
blog, that came into my head, was that being a blogger has become a ‘bit’ of an
enormous definition of me. I mean, if I’m asked to introduce myself – no matter
what the situation or my position/role in it – I often have to stop myself from
just almost automatically blurting out “I have a blog…” or “I’m a blogger…” And,
in all fairness, having a mental illness and being a survivor of rape and abuse
means that I’ve seen the massively different (mostly in a negative way) the
definition of me can be. Also, you don’t have to be a long-time reader of I’m
NOT Disordered to know how proud I am of my blog and how honoured I am to have
so many readers and to be offered so many incredible opportunities. So, I
absolutely have no problem in defining myself with this and with that being
said, how could I stop blogging… just yet (because I recognise the time will
come that I do stop)?
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In May 2023, I landed a dream job as the Head of Marketing and
Communications for a Community Interest Company (CIC) named Time To Inspire (I actually
blogged more about it here: 5
THOUGHTS IN MY NEW JOB | I’M NOW HEAD OF MARKETING & COMMUNICATIONS FOR
TIME TO INSPIRE!!! | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)), who provide
help, support, and guidance to struggling parents – mostly those with a mental
illness and/or going through family-related legal proceedings. So – despite it
not requiring the dedication of a huge number of hours – it’s still a hugely important
commitment at the moment and so naturally, it came up in this re-evaluation.
In making the decision to apply for this voluntary role, I did so
with the establishment that my mental health was well enough to commit to
having a job, but at the same time I recognised that it wasn’t stable enough to
have a full-time or – to be honest – even part-time, paid role. I knew that a
more formal job would be too structured, and I’d feel so much more pressured to
be well enough to complete every single shift. That’s not to say I couldn’t do
it – just that I’m not confident that I’d be able to and I’d rather not risk applying,
being offered an interview, starting a role, and then ending up having to quit because
that would go down on my CV and it would really stand against me when I felt
much more able and confident to apply for a full-time, paid role.
From my interview for this position with Time To Inspire, I’ve
felt some sort of natural, special connection to the company and to its Founder
and Director (who interviewed me); Alen Tomasic. It’s meant that when he pretty
much immediately offered me the role at the interview(!), I needed no time to
consider or to hesitate and think about the interviews I had lined up for other
positions. This one felt ‘right.’ It actually gave me the notion and left me wishing
this all could have happened sooner – even though that would be pretty impossible
since the company was only recently founded/created!
My gut instincts with things like this (and around my health and
the behaviours or health of my pets) is usually pretty accurate and so when I
found myself thankfully still learning a lot in this role and having
responsibilities that I’d always dreamed of one day having; my instinctual
passion was proven correct. I say ‘thankfully’ with the part about learning
because there are some people out there who might think that to have such a
senior role in a company/industry should mean you know everything because how
can you lead a team of staff when you’re still learning yourself? But I actually
really enjoy learning new things – especially when it comes to the communications,
marketing, publicity etc. industry – so it’s
important to me that no matter what my job title; I can still have the
opportunity to learn, grow, and develop. I’m very much a ‘always-on-the-go’ type
of person so to just sit still and be comfortable in my seniority really wouldn’t
suit me and my work ethic very well. And so, with all that being said, how
could I possibly quit?
That doesn’t mean the re-evaluation didn’t change anything or wasn’t
helpful with this aspect of my life and my commitments though because from it,
I found myself recognising that something needed to change in so far as how I have
been managing my time. Every day of the week I have been switching between working
on the book, writing a new blog post, and doing my ‘actual work!’ I’ve had no
real timetable or schedule of when to do what. I’d just do a few hours of the
book and then I’d get sick of that and check my work emails and then I’d go to
something else and something else and something else.
So, in this re-evaluation, I made the decision to focus the
majority of my weekdays to Time To Inspire work and then in the evenings,
nights, and weekends, I’ll do work on my blog and the book. In all honesty, it has
kind of reminded me of when I learnt Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and we
were taught all these coping skills that were safe alternatives to the negative
ones I – and the other inpatients – had relied upon to get through so many
horrible situations, thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Finding out about how
useful self-soothing and distraction can be for tolerating distress; was a double-edged
sword in that yes, it was incredibly amazing and helped keep me safe, but also it
left me feeling so incredibly stupid too. I mean, how could I have not thought
of these two very basic methods that had the potential to truly save my life
and keep me out of hospital?!
So, it’s the same here; how had I not already thought about working
during the day and doing these other activities ‘out of office hours?’ Like, surely,
it’s a no-brainer?!
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This re-evaluation of my life and all my commitments has really
been one of the greatest things I’ve ever done for my mental health and for my general
wellbeing. Anyone who truly knows me will tell you that I’m a bit of a control
freak in just about every sense of the word and in just about every instance
life can throw at you; and so, when this re-evaluation left me feeling more in
control of my life, it pretty much immediately became hugely beneficial for me!
I won’t lie, thinking all these things in my life through to such an intense degree has felt draining, but it’s genuinely been more rewarding and productive than it has been difficult and tiring. And so, I’d recommend everyone go through this process at some point in their life – but particularly for those who are at a relevant and appropriate point in their mental health journey/recovery…