Less pressure to be doing something constantly, which means I can have a day in bed without it worrying people.
Not having to queue for my medication or having to take my night-time meds before eleven pm when I want to stay up late.
Not having to spend my time doing something that I don’t want to do or that I will not benefit from e.g. some of the groups in hospital such as ‘Current Affairs.’
Not needing permission to do the simplest of things; such as go outside, use a razor and see my Mum.
Not having to open my post in front of someone, who then decides whether I can keep everything.
No longer waiting for someone to look in on me so that hearing a noise in my home doesn’t mean it’s staff making sure I’m ok.
Fewer arguments in my day-to-day living. Less drama.
Not having to explain myself or beg for PRN medication when I’m especially struggling.
Being able to see my Mum and friends much easier than when I was almost 200 miles away from them.
That I can lay on the bathroom floor crying for over an hour and no one will know.
That if I don’t take my medication, there’ll only be a fuss about it if I tell someone or if it affects me.
I can self-harm and/or overdose and no one could know.
I can silently struggle with hallucinations and there not be anyone who notices and suggests medication or a chat.
That my best-friend isn’t two doors away.
That I have to rely on my kitten to make me laugh instead of actual people; no playing pranks on staff or mattress surfing down the corridor!
There are no materialistic consequences if I self-harm or overdose e.g. I don’t get put in an empty bedroom, or stopped from going out.
Not being able to talk to and get support from the best Doctor EVER! Which means having no professional that I can be 100% Aimee with or who understands me almost as well as I know myself.
Feeling surrounded by professionals who ‘know’ me even less than the hospital staff did.
Only I can stop myself. And sometimes, I don’t.