So,
I began writing this post and things became a little familiar, so I went back
through recent posts and lo behold there was one on suicide from less than two
months ago! I debated doing another but decided that since the previous one was so popular and that I’ll be writing
this one with different/new content and in a different format, maybe I can get
away with it…?!

In
fairness, I think that people are a lot more tuned-in to these kinds of things
these days because there’s so much press around mental health and suicide in
particular that there’s a greater awareness and knowledge of the signs to look
out for but no one can know how it feels. So, I’m going to have a go at telling
you all – and I recognize that everyone
experiences suicidal ideation differently so I’ll only talk about my own
experiences in the hope that it will encourage people with different versions
to speak up too.
The
first thing I noticed when I was suicidal was tiredness. Not just a ‘can’t-be-bothered-to-get-out-of-bed’
type tiredness but a ‘too-tired-to-breathe’
tiredness. It wasn’t just fogging up my brain and leaving me in bed; it was
wrapped around my very core. I couldn’t say ‘well if I have some caffeine, I might
get some energy’ or ‘if I have another hour’s sleep maybe I’ll be ok.’ It goes
beyond that. There’re no options on how to improve it. There’s no chance that
it will go away. No chance that you can get energy from somewhere else. There’s
no escape.

The
final unavoidable thing in my life was the memories of the abuse. People talk
all the time about how you can move on from something, but you can never get
rid of the memories; and it’s so true! I
could never forget what he did to me. That feeling of hopelessness, that
something so negative has the potential to continue for the rest of your life…
well, of course I wanted to escape that. At one point, it felt like there were
triggers of the memories and flashbacks everywhere; as though people were constantly
talking about the things that reminded me of what’d happened. Hearing the words
‘abuse’ or ‘rape’ were huge triggers for me and when the memories became overwhelming,
I became suicidal. I couldn’t bear the thought that every day had the potential
to remind me of the worst six months of my life.
I was talking with the Richmond Fellowship Tyneside Team Leader recently and told her that whilst it's helpful to be reminded of your accomplishments and protective factors when you're feeling suicidal, it's equally important to feel validated. It's important that the person you ask for help from acknowledges why you'd be feeling the way you are and doesn't detract attention from that by purely focusing on the fact you blog almost has half a million readers (for example!).
I
think that I overcame my suicidal feelings for many of reasons but the key one
was that it felt natural to want to do
everything I could to stop myself from feeling like that. So, when I first
learnt the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) skill; Mindfulness, I believed
that if I allowed myself to ‘be in the moment’ then I’d be dead. If I felt all the
feelings that were deep inside of me then I wouldn’t want to be here anymore.
Now, though, I love being in the moment because it allows me the chance to have
all my achievements sink in. Learning new coping skills like Mindfulness, and
distraction and self-soothe helped me to see that actually, there’s other ways
to deal with the hallucinations and the memories. Ways that don’t include
losing my life.
I’ve
been incredibly fortunate in getting the right help for my suicidal ideation before
I succeeded.
If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal you can call your
local Crisis Team, the NHS out-of-hours service 111, or in case of an emergency,
attend your local A&E or dial 999