A GUIDE TO THE AFTERMATH OF ABUSE

“Don't judge yourself by what others did to you.”
C. Kennedy, Ómorphi

I struggled with the title for this post; I didn’t want to make it sound as though there’s some sort of structure or prediction to the aftermath of abuse. You could have two people go through the same type of abuse e.g. sexual, emotional, physical etc. yet their actual experiences and the impact they have is completely different. Some people don’t understand this and so I once had a Healthcare Assistant in a medical hospital say to me ‘being abused is no excuse; I was abused, and I don’t self-harm or have mental health problems!’ I hope that this post doesn’t leave anyone feeling the way that comment left me feeling – alone and as though I must be weaker. I think that my intention for this post is not only to aim it at those who have gone through abuse and encourage them to recognize that they aren’t alone; but also, to provide insight for those supporting someone or caring for someone who has been. I also just wanted to say that I did a poll on Twitter about whether to split this lengthy post into numerous ones or to post the entire content and the vote favored all at once; so, here you go:

So, I talk about the ‘aftermath’… I once had someone ask me when the abuse had ended, and I struggled to answer. I could tell you the exact date that the physical side of the abuse stopped (April 20^th, 2007) but for me, I sometimes wonder if it ever will fully ‘end.’ I guess it depends on what your definition of ‘end’ is and whether you’d consider the impact the abuse has had to be a continuation of it or just the result of it and a whole new chapter. So, for the purposes of this post, when I speak about the ‘aftermath’ it’s any time from the first instance of abuse – even where the abuse physically continues.

I think that the first thing to talk about is the emotions, thoughts, and feelings that someone experiences after abuse.

THE ULTIMATE ADVICE POST | 50 TOP TIPS ON MENTAL HEALTH FOR SERVICE USERS, PROFESSIONALS, FRIENDS & FAMILY

Yes, you read that right; fifty! I’ve enjoyed writing posts around tips, advice, do’s and don’ts so I thought the ultimate one would be to put 50 of them in one big post!

Please don’t take this post as condescending and think that just because I’m in recovery I think it makes me an expert on mental health. I don’t, think that; I just hope that my experiences can provide others with the advice that might spare them from going through some of the same hardships. I also don’t want people to think that these tips don’t recognize the strength it takes to do some of them; anyone who knows me – and my blog – will know how important I think it is to acknowledge a person’s bravery and courage in mental health.

WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BEGINNING OF POOR MENTAL HEALTH? (AND TIPS ON COPING WITH IT)

Earlier this week I met with my Psychiatrist for a review and to make plans on my medication reductions. She told me she was proud of how I’d come and that I’d managed my safety even though my anti-psychotic and mood stabilizer medications have been decreasing over the past month or two. It got me thinking just how much things have changed since the early days of my mental health deteriorating in 2009 and I thought that it’s worth recognizing that my readers with their own poorly mental health will be at different stages in their mental health journey. Not everyone is going to be in the same place as me and I think it’s important to produce content that can be helpful for everyone. So, here’s a little post about all of the initial aspects in the beginning of a person’s mental health deteriorating:

The initial panic & other emotions:

I guess that my mental health started to deteriorate before I started hallucinating in 2009 because when the abuse began in 2006, I had suicidal thoughts and began self-harming. I would imagine jumping out of a window in the building I was abused in or swallowing tablets, because I thought that was the only way to stop what was happening to me. I had no hope that it would ever end. I started self-harming when I developed the anger. The anger at the fact that he thought he had the right to hurt my body and I believed that I should be the only person who had the right to do that. So, I harnessed that anger and used it as energy to self-harm.

DO YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOUR ABUSER?

This post started as ‘HOW TO CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOUR ABUSER’ but then I thought ‘what right have I got to tell anyone to change their attitude on something so personal and important?!’ Also, I like to think of myself as a true believer in ‘treat others how you’d like to be treated and I would have hated it to have someone tell me how to change my attitude towards my abuser. 


Then I considered making it ‘SHOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOUR ABUSER?’ but I recently met someone who believes that ‘should’ can’t be a part of a healthy and happy life and I kind of like that attitude... Though, with this title, I liked that it gives readers some sort of control and power; they can choose whether to make changes. I thought this was important where abuse is an aspect of a person’s life that they – probably - have the least control imaginable. It doesn’t take long to realize that we can’t change what has happened to us; but the aftermath? Well that, we have a little more control over. As much as some reactions can seem knee-jerk and automatic, understandable response to a situation, it can end up feeling comforting to believe that you aren’t doing anything strange or abnormal and to think that anyone would feel like this in your position, can actually be reassuring.

FIVE COPING STRATEGIES FOR GRIEF AFTER FIVE MONTHS WITHOUT DOLLY

'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

-          Labrinth – Jealous

Firstly, has it really been six months since I lost Dolly?!

I thought I’d check-in with people because I obviously blogged about it so much in the beginning (here and here and here and here and finally, here) and then so much has happened since October 2018 that these other things have been what I’ve blogged about.

I thought it important to write now after I was at my neighbour’s the other day; she has two cats and one is very fluffy. Like Dolly was. I love going to see my neighbour; we get along so well that it’s not as though I can avoid going to her home because of the similarities. And I can’t and I shouldn’t. If my mental health journey has taught me anything, it’s been that you need to face things head-on – don’t avoid them or block them out because they just come back to bite you. And it’s so much harder than if you’d just tackled it at the beginning!

Have I done that with losing Dolly? I thought not. I thought I’d blogged so much about it that perhaps it was all ‘out of my system’ but I guess I’ve learnt that grief can never really be out of any system! And it is because of this that I’ve had learnt some coping strategies to manage my grief into preventing it from becoming overwhelming. I realise that the death of my cat means very little to some people and it – by no means – makes me an expert of coping with grief but if one of my coping mechanisms can help just one person that I thought it worth putting them ‘out there.’

FIVE SONGS HELPING ME THROUGH MY MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS

I won't live inside your world

'Cause your punches and your names
All your jokes and stupid games
They don't work
No, they don't hurt
Watch them just go right through me
Because they mean nothing to me

-          Grace Vanderwaal – Clay

The huge catalyst for this recent ‘blip’ in my mental health was the news about my abuser’s new job role. It brought back all the old feelings about him – the anger, frustration, sadness… it all came flooding back, overwhelming me and taking over all of the positive thoughts and feelings. To come through the blip, I’m trying to regain some control over all those negative feelings and bring them in check so that they’re manageable and aren’t influencing my thoughts to self-harm or cause me to feel suicidal. Instead, I’m trying to adopt the attitude that no matter what he says or does, I’ll just get on with my life. I have to.

GOING BACK TO MOVE FORWARD

A while ago, a friend posted a quote on Facebook that dwelling on the past will stop you from moving forwards and enjoying the present. And I think I’d disagree… If we don’t face our past head on, then how can we ever move forwards?

Immediately after the abuse I turned to alcohol to block out the thoughts and feelings that I had been left with.  It was almost more difficult to cope with now that the physical act had actually ended because I sometimes felt that I had no right to be struggling. As though, if I was no longer being abused, then why should I feel suicidal?

There were so many feelings that I was trying to numb… I think I was in shock. Shock that it had ended when it had felt like it was going to go on forever. Shock that even though it had finished it was going to continue to affect me in a huge, debilitating way. And a delayed shock that the entire thing had even happened! I’m one of those people though, who believes that saying something makes it more real and so my belief that no one would believe me if I told them meant that I was just left to deal with this life-changing shock by myself.

HOW IT REALLY FEELS TO BE SUICIDAL

So, I began writing this post and things became a little familiar, so I went back through recent posts and lo behold there was one on suicide from less than two months ago! I debated doing another but decided that since the previous one was so popular and that I’ll be writing this one with different/new content and in a different format, maybe I can get away with it…?!

After having consulted on Richmond Fellowship’s Social Media Guidelines, I was recently asked to look at the Suicide Prevention Policy to provide comments on the different aspects of it. In completing the feedback form, I realized that it must be difficult for organizations to devise such policies when the chances are that the majority of staff developing these actually don’t have any experience in what they’re trying to prevent. And I guess that’s why Richmond Fellowship consult with Service Users – they recognize that we can provide an insight into such a difficult topic that could better their care of others. Thinking up signs that a person is feeling suicidal, has the potential to save the life of someone exhibiting those signs who staff might have previously ‘overlooked.’ And sometimes there are signs that only someone who has experienced feelings of suicide can point out.

'EMPATHY SHOULD BE A MENTAL HEALTH SERVICE PROVIDER'S BEST-FRIEND' | TIME TO TALK DAY

So, I’ve had a few comments today asking if I’m actually going to write something for Time To Talk Day 2019 since my two posts so far have been penned by others (haven’t seen them? (They’re here and here!) With the theme that talking about mental health will help rid us of the stigma, I thought I’d talk about why talking is just the beginning of things…

When I started experiencing auditory hallucinations I had never felt so alone. It sounds ironic but the second I started to hear voices, it felt as though I was the only person in the world. I think that a large part of this came from the fact that mental health – and most importantly; voice hearing - was rarely talked about in 2009 and so it held huge, stigmatized connotations and assumptions. I, personally, had only ever heard horror stories about my local psychiatric hospital so being admitted there was a huge shock to the system… and attitude! taught me that mental ill health doesn’t discriminate; it can happen to anyone and calling those people ‘crazy’ or ‘mental’ says more about you than it does about them.

It’s important though, that it shouldn’t take another person experiencing mental ill health to have some understanding of someone who already does! Empathy should be a mental health service provider’s best-friend; the ability to understand another person’s experiences is a difficult art in mental health.

TWENTY-EIGHT THINGS I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO FOR MY 28TH BIRTHDAY

And the world becomes a fantasy
And you're more than you could ever be
'Cause you're dreaming with your eyes wide open

Greatest Showman – Come Alive

Birthdays are one of those yearly events, like Christmas and New Years, where everyone responds to it differently. Half of people are excited and enjoy the celebrations where the other half dread them and struggle with overwhelming negative emotions. I’m with the first half! I especially love Birthdays because I like the thought of having an entire day dedicated to creating all of the positive emotions and memories that the person deserves all year round! This means I’m probably more excited for other people’s Birthdays than my own but I’m still majorly excited to be turning 28!

So I’ve compiled a list of things I’m excited for – not just things that’ll happen on my Birthday but things to look forward to in general… Some of them may seem ‘small’ or ‘insignificant’ but sometimes the littlest things have the biggest impact!

HOW I COPE WITH THE ANGER OF ABUSE

“You’re blinded by hatred!”

-          Professor Lupin, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

TW: self-harm

For such a long time I felt this overwhelming, powerful, uncontrollable anger towards my abuser and really, the entirety of the abuse, for so many reasons that it felt like I was drowning in it.

I was angry that someone could be capable of doing what he had. I was angry at myself for not fighting back each and every time. I was angry that I was lying to my Mum, that I wasn’t in control, that he wasn’t being punished for doing something wrong, and that I couldn’t think of an instance where I’d deserved all of this.

 Like a lot of things around the abuse, I feel as though there aren’t enough words in the world to allow someone the ability to comprehend just how powerful this anger was. So, to put it into – perhaps – an easier emotion to understand; it’s like when you’re so happy that you smile at everyone you see. Or when you’re so proud of an achievement that you want to tell the world about it…? It’s almost as though when any emotion is overwhelming, you have to share it. So why should something like anger be any different? I felt as though it was spilling over and out of my head; landing on other people. But really, it was me. I was putting my anger on others; I felt like I had to because at the time, it was the only way I thought I could cope with it all.

MY CURRENT FEELINGS ON THE ABUSE

A little while ago a reader asked me how I’d come to terms with the abuse – how I’d come to accept it and it got me thinking…

Can you ever ‘accept’ abuse?

And what does it mean to have ‘accepted’ it? Does it make it ok?

I think that what the reader meant by ‘accept’ was how I’d moved on from it. How I’d come to be unstuck from the flashbacks and memories.

Being in ‘recovery’ is – I think – about being safe with your emotions. Having the power to resist any thoughts or urges to self-harm; because it’s not that you don’t have them anymore. It’s that they don’t control you. Your life. Your relationships with loved ones. Your hobbies and free-time. Your work. Your confidence. So, I think that becoming safe with my thoughts and feelings has had a huge impact on my ability to move on from the abuse because it’s allowed me the opportunity to feel all the emotions, I’d been either blocking out, or overwhelmed by, since it started in 2006. And over the years, I’ve learnt – with the help of professionals – that a lot of my hallucinations come from pent up thoughts and emotions. It’s almost as though my brain becomes so overwhelmed with all these secret feelings that it just breaks and that creates a hallucination! I think I’ve become safe with my emotions around the abuse because of two things; medication, and sheer hard work!

WHY WE PUT THINGS IN BOXES

“Are you ready to talk about that yet?”

The inspiration for this post came when I was speaking with my Community Psychiatric Nurse. A little while ago she asked me for a list of the things in my life that have had an impact on my mental health. I listed things like the hallucinations, when I was bullied in High School… and the death of my cat; Dolly. We’re using each appointment to go through the list by discussing one thing at a time and at each appointment I’m asked if I’m ready to talk about Dolly yet! At yesterday’s appointment I had a realization; I wasn’t reluctant to talk about Dolly because I was worried that doing so would make me unsafe (that it would trigger thoughts of self-harm etc). I didn’t want to talk about the loss because I didn’t want to cause myself the upset. I wasn’t afraid of what that upset might cause; I was just reluctant to face the grief and sadness.

THE DO'S AND DON'TS FOR MENTAL HEALTH AT CHRISTMAS

I really wanted to write a post on how to support someone who struggles with their mental health around Christmastime but since I’m not one of those people, I don’t think I’d be the best person to give advice!

I’ve always been a Christmassy person and whilst bad things have happened at Christmas – one year I was in a Psychiatric Hospital, another we lost our family cat… I haven’t let them shape future ones. I get people asking me all the time how I ‘got better’ and how I can just ‘move on’ from the abuse and these other bad moments and I just think that I don’t have the choice! I mean, how could I give someone or something the power to ruin such a joyful time of the year? And some people will say that they aren’t ‘allowing’ it to be that way and that if they had a choice then they wouldn’t ‘choose to be sad on Christmas.’ But I don’t think it’s about choice; I think it’s about acceptance. Accepting these things have happened to you, accepting they’re in the past, and accepting that you have a future without them.

"I'M OK!" - THE BIGGEST LIE IN MENTAL HEALTH

lie

[lī]

VERB

lying (present participle)

1.     tell a lie or lies.

·          (lie one's way into/out of)

get oneself into or out of a situation by lying.

"you lied your way on to this voyage by implying you were an experienced sailor"

·         (of a thing) present a false impression; be deceptive.

"the camera cannot lie"

I believe that we’re at our most vulnerable when our mental health is suffering so when you’re torn open like that… when you feel like your heart has been exposed to the world, how can you tell a lie? People talk all the time about how some people will fake poor mental health for the sake of state benefits or for days off work, sympathy, attention…

Then there’s the lying from those who are genuinely poorly with their mental health…

“I’m ok”