Happy New
Year!
You’re probably inundated with blog posts celebrating the New Year; and they’re probably all from a very similar angle – as is probably the case with my doing a whole new logo and theme for I’m NOT Disordered… So, this year, to mark the beginning of 2023, I’ve decided to do something a bit different (hopefully!) on here; and I’ve picked out a few random – but memorable – bits and pieces from throughout 2022. There’s no real order to it, I wanted it to be kind of similar to opening a memory box in that everything is in a bit of a jumble, and you just ruffle through it to pick bits out and talk about them…
I’m NOT Disordered’s history of design (did you notice the new
logo?!):
I guess it was kind of obvious what I was going to write about
first…
I actually only just decided to give the blog a bit of a freshen
up in December! I mean, it’s something I’d thought about for a month or so, but
I really decided to just go for it in the beginning of December.
I started by first thinking about a colour scheme… I loved the
blue in the previous one, so it was really just the pink I wanted to get rid
of. Even since the beginning of I’m NOT Disordered way back in 2013, I was
conscious of ensuring that nothing about the design is off-putting to a
particular group of people e.g., would using pink be unappealing to someone
identifying as male? Back then, though, I wasn’t hugely convinced that blogging
would end up as being all that it is to me now; I definitely didn’t – for one
minute – think that I’d still be doing this almost ten years later! So, making
my blog attractive at the cost of me not liking the colours, didn’t feel
worthwhile and so it remained largely pink for the first few years.
Of course, not knowing that blogging might become a long-term,
important element in my life, wasn’t the only reason why I didn’t reinvent it
for a while; the other reason was that I didn’t know how to make changes. When
I first set up, I’m NOT Disordered, I was a psychiatric hospital inpatient and
had no real clue when it came to intense, more technical aspects of computers
and so, when my blog’s popularity grew, I found myself feeling the need to
improve it and make it ‘worthy’ of the attention it was gaining, and so I asked
one of the other inpatients for help in the design of it. And whilst I’m always
so grateful to her for the time and effort she put into helping me to make it
into everything I had wanted and imagined, it meant that when her discharge
from hospital was being talked about way before mine, I was left kind of
stranded.
Fortunately – or unfortunately depending on how you look at it – I
tend to be one of those people who has to learn things the hard way, so being
almost forced into learning how to do all of the things I wanted to with I’m
NOT Disordered, actually ended up being productive and rewarding! Don’t get me
wrong though; it was incredibly stressful too! I mean, the more readers my blog
got, the more I felt a sense of pressure to make my blog worthy of that
increased attention. And every time I looked at the blogs I followed, I found
myself inspired and influenced to edit my own blog’s design/layout etc… I like
to consider other blogs in the industry as influential rather than competition,
but I’d be lying if I said that I don’t feel the urge to ‘keep up’ when I see
other bloggers creating new logos or adding new features. So, the other stress
came from me ending up Googling hundreds of questions on how to do all of these
new complex and up-to-date functions. But, after the years of going through
that aspect of needing to put a lot of time and effort into things, I’ve not
only learnt how to cope, but it has also begun to really just end up becoming a
big contributing factor to the pride I feel when I see the final result… I just
hope you all like it too!
Favourite song of 2022:
I’m in a dilemma… It’s between Sia – Unstoppable and Ellie Goulding – Still Falling For
You
Reflecting on the 1 million readers’ party:
In November 2021, I’m NOT Disordered hit an all-time high when it reached
over one million readers (I blogged about it here), and so, in
January 2022, I hosted a party to celebrate (which you can read about and see
photos from, here). So, in
sitting down to write/type this blog post, it was one of the first things which
popped into my head…
Now, I’ve often talked about the party I hosted back in 2015
(which you can read about here) after my
blog reached over 100,000 readers, and referred to it as being The Greatest
Night of My Life. And whilst the moment I was dancing with two of my best
friends at the end of the party will stay with me forever, I had been feeling
kind of sad that it’d been so long ago. That even after seven years, nothing
had beaten it – or even came close to! So, when I began planning my one million
readers party, it was with the aim and hope of creating a celebration that
would beat that memory.
Unfortunately, even though it was a number of months later, the
pandemic and lockdown regulations weren’t quite removed and so a number of
people had to cancel their attendance of the party. In fairness, there were
probably only a handful of people who didn’t come who I wish had; other than
that, all the people who really mattered were there. And in a way, I came to
actually enjoy that fact because it ended up meaning that everyone got to
talking to everyone else, instead of just staying in their own little social
groups and not mingling with each other. I still, however, can’t shake the
notion of a kind of disappointment and sadness that the venue wasn’t absolutely
packed with people!
That small amount of unhappiness and lack of satisfaction, has led
me to planning a party to celebrate I’m NOT Disordered’s 10th
Birthday in a week…
Favourite Instagram accounts of 2022:
For funny pet posts and reels: Xena & Finn
For mental health related content: Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne & Wear NHS Foundation Trust
For all things fashion and beauty: Victoria (was @inthefrow)
For content about Eating Disorders: Cara Lisette
For stunning photography: Alex Harrison Magrath
For high street bargains (on her reels) and wholesome family
content: Kayleigh
Couture
For a down-to-earth Blogger: Em Sheldon
For mental health related Politics: Danny Bowman
For my best-friends: Sophie, Lauren, Martin, Georgie, & Ellie
Most popular blog post of 2022:
Working with my local Ambulance Service (NEAS), was one of a few
collaborations where it genuinely feels like a huge illustration of my mental
health recovery.
I mean, for the best part of three years – whilst I didn’t ever
have a ‘bad experience’ with NEAS – I was very ungrateful for the part they
played in saving my life (on every occasion they did!). And, of course, this
was really only because – for so many reasons and with so many motivations – I
very obviously, didn’t want it to be saved. I was so suicidal that it no longer
mattered whether the Paramedics and their Technicians treat me with dignity,
respect, and compassion (which they literally always did!); no matter how they
treated me, I would resent them. And, looking back, I do genuinely feel quite
bad about that because it really wasn’t fair on those professionals. Like, it
would have been so understandable if they had taken it as an insult and saw my
attitude and response with them as rude because they really had done nothing
whatsoever to deserve how I treated them.
So, with all of that history and previous experience in mind, the
fact that I’m now so well and stable in my mental health has meant that I can
finally show gratitude to those who have helped and supported me, and who
really did save my life. I think a lot of that new-found appreciation really
stems from how I feel about my life – like, if I was still struggling then I
might be hesitant to be grateful for someone making it possible for that to
continue. But, since my life is pretty ideal and positive and really something
I’m proud of right now, I have ample amounts of gratitude which I’m very eager
to voice and express! And it is that – the urge to say thanks – that has really
helped to motivate this collaboration with NEAS and the blog post that resulted
from it.
Now, my only real quibble with the post – the things I’d really
like to change – are the photos! I hate to say it, because it was an amazing
experience to have a photoshoot (for only the second time in my blogging
career) with two of the NEAS staff (their Communications Director and their
Mental Health Lead) and their photographer. I mean, I really, really, really
appreciated their belief that our collaboration was worthy of them going to
such efforts. So, I don’t want to sound ungrateful or like a diva, but I have a
‘thing’ about having photos taken, and I usually hate any that are taken of me
by anyone, but me! And a huge reason for this is that for a long time, I was
underweight; but then I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital and began taking
mental health medication that had weight gain as a key side effect. Putting
weight on, has left me feeling fairly self-conscious in photos – especially
where I’m not in control of the angle etc.!
I’d say that I was more appreciative of the collaboration than I
was wary of the photos; and one of the reasons why was because it made me
realise the risk that’s taken by both the collaboration partner and me in
agreeing to work together. I think that before this, my only real recognition
of this fact came when I worked with my local Police force, and I realised I
really needed to start being more careful with what I posted online; especially
in terms of swearing and commenting on controversial issues.
Then, I learnt what this means in reverse when an Officer treat me
so poorly and my complaint about him was a complete ‘stick-together’ kind of
response, so I made the decision that I didn’t want I’m NOT Disordered to, in
any way, be affiliated with an organisation who has staff that behave in this
way. And I think that as the reader count continues to climb to heights I could
have ever only dreamed of, that thought of collaborating with an organisation
or a person leaves me so much more wary. Having so many people read my content
has meant that I’ve felt almost obliged to put much more consideration into the
decision to collaborate; especially in terms of paying attention or researching
their reputation and the public’s opinion where necessary/applicable.
So, with all of that in mind, I felt really honoured that an
organisation so big and so important in society were matching their name with
my blog and considering its reputation to be good enough to collaborate.
Upcoming reasons to be excited:
ü
I’m NOT Disordered’s 10th Birthday
ü
A big step in my career journey (all will be revealed soon!)
ü
More exciting work on a project with the Newcastle Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust
ü
My 32nd Birthday (February 1st)
ü
Some more opportunities to travel in collaboration with various railway
companies
ü
The possibility of a new resource I have created being published
Thinking about Emmy:
While we’re here,
Can we all, spare a thought for the ones who have gone?
Merry Christmas – Ed Sheeran & Elton John
As Christmas grew closer and closer, I found myself thinking about
Emmy more and more often. Losing my lovely little Calico rescue cat; Emmy, in
October 2022 was probably the lowest and worst thing to happen in 2022. She was
poorly for about a week or two prior to having to have her put to sleep – which
is why I did a blog post titled: DEAR EMMY,
PLEASE STAY ALIVE. In all honesty, it’s so strange to look back at that post and to
have it pop up on social media or in conversation with people… It’s kind of
surreal to think there was a time where I was begging and pleading for Emmy to
not have to be put to sleep – like, now she’s gone; it’s hard to remember that time
we spent sort of in a really sad and difficult limbo. The post also makes me
really sad to think of just how desperate I had been to save her and how I felt
so completely like a failure when my ‘begging and pleading’ didn’t work/wasn’t
enough.
The notion that I’ve been somewhat inadequate in terms of saving a
pet’s life; isn’t a new thought, feeling, or experience because I believed this
once before when my first bunny; Pixie died in 2021. I had carted her backwards
and forwards to numerous Vets appointments and admissions and then, coming home
to Emmy without her best friend? I felt so completely useless and like an utter
failure. I fully believed that I had let Emmy down and was an absolute
disappointment to her; one that she really didn’t deserve. And I had that exact
notion when I came back to Luna without her best friend.
Having experienced these thoughts and feelings before and having
firstly, learnt to cope with them, and secondly; overcome them, I was filled
with hope that I could do that again in losing Emmy… And it kind of worked out
like this coping skill I learnt in therapy – that rather than immediately
acting on suicidal thoughts and feelings, you should try to cope with them and
distract from having your full concentration on them. The hopes and beliefs with
this are that sometimes, doing that, will mean that by the time you’re finished
with a distracting activity or whatever you’d chosen to do to cope, those
thoughts and feelings might be gone – or at the very least, easier to manage
and deal with.
So, I’ve used this coping mechanism for not only my thoughts and
feelings of inadequacy and failure, but also for when I think about Emmy
because even though I’m not thinking of bad memories from her being poorly, my
heart usually hurts whenever my head is filled with her. It’s like it’s
breaking all over again – splitting in two and having one half stamped on, and
the other just massively aching for its partner so that it could be made whole
again. Now, if these feelings and experiences happened a few years ago, I
wouldn’t have made it… But, with losing Emmy happening when my mental health is
so much more stable and well, it’s meant that I’ve been able to cope with the
heartache and devastation in a safe and healthy way.
It hasn’t been all about my mental health and my own strength and
coping skills, my ability to survive the loss of Emmy could also be massively attributed to
Luna (my little lop-eared, mini Lionhead bunny). The number of times I’ve said
to people (about Luna) that “I’d be lost without her,” is unreal! I mean, through
the majority of my entire mental health journey, I’ve considered myself so
unfortunate especially in terms of how often I put myself in dangerous
situations and yet I didn’t die… Until I entered recovery and seen the better,
amazing, exciting side to life. In doing that, I finally recognised that if you
think about how many times I attempted suicide and that I ended up on life
support twice, I’ve actually been really lucky to still be here now. And losing
Emmy, is of course an instance where I feel so very unlucky and devastated; but
(as another means of coping with this) I try to focus on just how grateful and
appreciative I am to still have Luna. She has been one of the most frequent
reasons in instances where there’s been a smile on my face during any of the
time after losing Emmy.
Favourite Amazon purchases of 2022:
USB Charger
Plug with 1 Type C and 3 USB ports: £13.99
Makeup
Organiser Bag: £12.99
Power Bank
with LCD Display and Dual Outlets: £23.99
iPhone 12
Light Purple Phone Case: £8.99
Delirium
Trilogy by Lauren Oliver: £18.36
Earbuds: £4.19
A last-minute 2022 achievement:
For such a long time, I would completely refuse to blow my own
trumpet and to regularly talk publicly about things that might be deemed to be achievements
and successes. Growing up, my Mum was always really supportive and encouraging
and so I don’t recall ever having a problem telling her when I achieved a good
grade at school or was proud of a short story (because I used to write them regularly
when I was younger) and I don’t remember ever receiving a response that would put
me off doing that.
So, I think that the reluctance I developed to talk more about my
achievements, was actually massively influenced by the abuse I began to
experience when I was 15. And that might sound strange, but hear me out… My
abuser regularly put me down, insulted me and my intelligence (or, in his opinion,
lack of) and even went to the lengths of doing everything in his power to impact
my education – to give one of the greatest examples of this: So, I handed in my
work that was in preparation for some exams and it meant the teacher was going
to take a look and check I was on the right path. I later found out that the reason
I didn’t get any feedback was because the teacher didn’t even receive it; since
my abuser ‘offered to give it to her personally!’ And when he had the nerve to
interrupt three of my exams, so that I had to sit them in a completely other
building(!); I was pretty certain that I wouldn’t pass any of them.
On results day, my abuser even attempted to ruin the importance of
that and rob me of the rituals all of my friends were doing. But I had the last
laugh when I saw 7 C’s and 2 B’s (which meant I had passed all nine of my subjects)
on that paper and I was filled with this intense pride that bubbled in me until
I got to my Mum’s place of work and shouted that I’d passed, and she gave me a
huge hug and lifted me into the air, and then she took me around the building, telling
all her colleagues!
I was actually really relieved with her reaction. I had worried that
no one would understand just how huge an achievement these grades were because
no one knew about the abuse. No one knew I had overcome all of that too. But my
Mum’s response and celebration left me feeling as though she couldn’t be prouder
of me! It still meant, though, that after those results, I went back to feeling
as though I couldn’t stress how important – what might sometimes be referred to
as ‘little’ – achievements were for me in the two years between the abuse
ending and me finally reporting it.
When I made my first suicide attempt and was sectioned under the 1983
Mental Health Act and admitted to a psychiatric hospital (after the life-saving
medical treatment), I found myself telling the hospital staff about the abuse.
Even though I had thought that in doing so, everything would just magically get
better, that wasn’t the case at all. Whilst I have never – and will never –
regret reporting it, I won’t lie; things did – understandably – get extremely
difficult afterwards. And so it wasn’t until around three years later when it
was a little while after creating I’m NOT Disordered that I really began to
find some confidence and willing to acknowledge and talk about my achievements
and successes.
I think one huge reason why this happened was because I recognised
that if I didn’t – if I didn’t talk more publicly about my blog – it might not
continue to grow in popularity and I might not be offered so many amazing opportunities.
It left me agreeing with – and promoting that others believe it too – my Mum’s
wisdom of ‘shy bairns get nowt.’ And so, with this confidence and motivation to
talk about achievements – particularly to do with I’m NOT Disordered – I had no
reluctance to post on social media that Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear
NHS Foundation Trust (CNTW) had written an article about our Blogmas collaboration
(two of their most senior staff completed Q&A’s) in their Trust-wide
bulletin. I wrote in my social media posts about this achievement how it was particularly
special because in the beginning of my mental health journey all those years
ago, I spent at least three years so resentful of the Trust for saving my life
when I didn’t want them to; and now my blog is being featured in their
bulletin! It’s kind of overwhelming and feels like I’ve made a complete full circle
in my experiences, thoughts, and feelings about the Trust.
My most-watched of 2022:
1.
London Has
Fallen on Amazon Prime Video
4.
Con Air on
Amazon Prime Video
5.
Pretty Little
Liars on Amazon Prime Video
Favourite read of 2022:
This, was an easy one: Delirium by Lauren Oliver (which you can
buy the trilogy of here)!
This actually isn’t my first time reading this book; another
inpatient in the psychiatric hospital I was in for two and a half years
recommended it to me back in 2013 so that’s when I first read Delirium and the
rest of the trilogy (in addition to Delirium, there’s also Pandemonium and
Requiem). And I think the reason I loved it so much was because it’s so far-fetched
that it was kind of like an escape from my reality of the ward, drama with
other inpatients, arguments with staff, difficult therapy sessions, medication
side-effects – all of that! I would do therapy and engage in the therapeutic
activity sessions with the focus that when they were done – when we had free
time – I could escape in my book. I could leave everything and be wrapped up in
this incredible book.
One amazing quality to the actual storyline, is that whilst it is
so incredibly different from reality, it’s actually pretty believable. I mean,
I’m trying not to really spoil the plot, but there’s a part to it about love
being a disease (as you’ll see in the blurb below) and they list the ‘symptoms’
and it’s like… It’s totally real – like, these things happen when you’re in
love – or out of love – so it feels somewhat practical and actually really
possible!
Blurb:
They say that the cure for love will make me happy and safe
forever. And I’ve always believed them. Until now.
There was a time when love was the most important thing in the
world. People would go to the end of the earth to find it. They would tell lies
for it. Even kill for it.
Everyone who turns eighteen must be immunised with a procedure
called the cure. Lena Haloway is looking forward to being able to live the
safe, predictable life the government claims the cure will bring. But meeting
Alex, an enigmatic boy from the Wilds, might just make her question everything
she’s been raised to believe.’
Favourite ASOS purchases of 2022:
Sporty
Slippers in Cream: £9.00
Hope and Ivy
Frill Sleeve Top: £20.00
Wednesday’s
Girl Teddy Coat: £27.00
Snake Design
Bangle: £3.50
I Saw It
First Leather Look Leggings: £15.00
Neon Rose
Moon Knit: £32.00
My favourite blog post for each month of 2022:
January: A GUIDE TO
EVENTS | MY ONE MILLION READERS PARTY!!! | I'm NOT Disordered
(imnotdisordered.co.uk)
February: HOW I MADE IT
TO MY THIRTY-FIRST BIRTHDAY | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
August: 19 OF THE
BIGGEST DON’T’S IN A MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS | I'm NOT Disordered
(imnotdisordered.co.uk)
September: THE LITTLEST
IS ONE!!! | HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUNA | I'm NOT Disordered (imnotdisordered.co.uk)
Items I want to purchase this year:
4500 mAh
Portable Charger: £30.99
Lola Design
Organiser: £12.99
Travel Makeup
Brush Set: £5.59
Coccinelle
Liya Suede Handbag: £299.99
Viktor and
Rolf Flowerbomb Eau de Parfum: £59.00
Public Desire
Over-The-Knee Boots: £39.99
Blog goals for 2023:
I read a newsletter from Victoria Magrath’s blog; inthefrow.com
and in it, she talked about the pressure there is to ‘finish the year in style’
(you can read the full piece here) and I think
that this is very much a huge issue in the blogging industry. I mean, I had
intended for this subtitle to be before a big list of actual goals, but then I
struggled to think up a lot and also started to consider how I might struggle
and feel really disappointed if I were to write a list of them and decide upon
some, and then struggle to achieve/meet them throughout the year.
So, rather than create a set of goals for myself and I’m NOT Disordered to accomplish in 2023, I wanted to say for you all to just be brave and honest and say when you aren’t 100% sure of any. And you never know, it might influence someone else to do the same and experience less challenge and pressure.
Most memorable moments of 2022: